>> Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I have a huge problem in my life and cant find 2 solve it all by myself. Iam married for about 2.5 years and we have a 1.5 year old son. You see i got pregnant right after getting married :) The problem is i left my homecoutry ( in europe) and came here 2 marry someone i didnt know very well. I loved him and trusted him. Now hes not a bad person but he made a lot of mistakes. So slowly my love 4 him died. Now we have talked it through and he finally sees the things he did wrong and that he has 2 change things so i could be myself and happy. All well so far but no matter how hard i try i cant get myself 2 love him again. I appreciate him and respect him but i dont want him near me ( like cuddle), kiss me or anything else. Hes like a friend 4 me now and i just cant change that. What should i do? Iam so unhappy like this cause i wish i could fall in love with him and be like a normal couple again :( If i live with someone i dont love or feel atracted 2, i know it will lead me 2 fitnah :( But also i dont want to destroy him by leaving and i dont want my son 2 grow up with his father being away. I really hope u can give me a good advice. Jazak allah khair
Dear Mother of One,
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. But, as I've previously mentioned before, none of the aunties here are married….so we can offer you our advice, but we really have to count on the sisters reading this, too, to add their own input.
Now, I do want to say Ma'shaAllah ta'baraka that you "concealed" your partner's mistakes in the letter. The only thing is I can't really tell if you mean something like almost getting involved with another woman or if you just mean that he made some bad choices, like siding with the in-laws against you, not letting you keep in contact with your friends/family, etc.so I'm just answering in general.
Whatever he did, though, you said that you felt like you couldn't be yourself (or who you really are) and it's obvious that it hurt you.
Well, sis, let's do a small exercise.
Let's imagine that 'hurt' as having a kind of 'physical presence'…..Let's imagine it as a burning fire. (You know the amount of hurt and pain- you decide if it is a big fire or small one).
Can you smell the fire burning? Can you feel it? I really want you to close your eyes and just imagine for a second that you touched that fire. OUCH!
Would you hold on to that fire for longer than those few seconds that it took you to register the feeling of pain? (I don't think so!)
When it comes to pain, we can choose to hold on to it or to let it go. You can choose to be rooted, frozen in that pain or to let the pain melt away. You have to accept the fact that no matter what your husband did, it's you who decides if you are going to keep touching the fire or if you are going to let it go.
And you need to let go of that fire.
I want you to take a few moments and write down all that caused you pain. Think about it. Accept it. Consider his reasons and why those choices were made. And then, take that paper and rip it up or throw it away….and imagine the hurt flying/blowing away.
And say it out loud: "I have decided to no longer hold on to this pain. I have decided to let it go. I will give this relationship another chance, for the sake of my child, etc..
IF you truly want to move forward and live in this moment and not in the past (and not be stuck in the moment that your husband made a mistake), you need to be committed to today. You need to be willing to commit to your marriage. You can't be thinking about 'ending the marriage' and then hoping it will somehow 'begin all over again'. You need to believe in your marriage.
And the truth is, your marriage life is not over….Not if you both put your heart back in it, your dedication and you promise to work on it.
You already said that you asked your husband to change and you talked about it and he agreed. That's a great step on his part.
It's time to give him that chance. It's time for your relationship to mature and grow to another level, where both of you are free to be yourselves. It's time to restore your marriage and move past the past!
#1. Accept that you are both human
There is no one perfect on this earth. Everyone makes mistakes.
Think about that. Consider the fact that you also make mistakes. How many times have you sinned against Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala? How much are you in need of His forgiveness? Don't you hope that Allah looks at your good deeds and overlooks your mistakes? Well, why don't you think about the good things your husband does? Remember, Allah promises His forgiveness to those who forgive others.
2. Work on your imaan together :
If you want your relationship to flourish and deepen, then you've got to build it something greater than him and you. Great love doesn't come from 'simple human desire'. It comes from a greater love- love of Allah. Build your relationship for the sake of Allah and you will find it reach a different level. Really make your niya that your entire marriage is for the sake of Allah...and that every day is a chance to get closer to Allah.
Try listening to a lecture about Allah's Names at least once a week, reading at least one page of the Qur'an together every day and its translation, praying at least one prayer together. Try coming up with "What I’m thankful for" lists together….Try talking about your favorite companions and stories of the Prophet together (sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam.)
3. Decide on boundaries.
You and him are 2 different individuals. You are partners but you do have different ways of doing things. If he "was too controlling and didn't let you clean the room the way you wanted to or something like that", you need to decide whose area is whose domain. You are free to suggest and help each other, but both of you will not "control" each other and will have your own respective domains that you are in charge of .
Or, if his mistake was related to the in-laws….set boundaries with that. "The next time so and so calls (e.g. mother in law) and says something impolite to me, we are going to explain to her graciously that each person has their own way of doing things."
4. Rekindle the Romance:
Before I say this, let me explain something. If you're comparing your marriage life to what it was in the first few months, realize that it will always be different. As the experts always say, there is a difference between "being in love" and "love", itself. A marriage that lasts is built more than the 'happy feelings' from the honeymoon days.
But that doesn't mean that you can't bring back the romance.
- Consider having a romantic retreat. Taking a few days and traveling to some new place and exploring it together
- Decide that the weekends are your date days…You guys can go to restaurant or a park and have a barbecue.
- You probably don't want to do this, but go the extra mile. Dress up, even if you really don't want to. Leave him some small notes where you sincerely thank him/whatever…Send him a nice nasheed and see how he responds. Bring back the excitement. (He might feel a little hesitant because he knows that he hasn't met your standards/ disappointed you.)
- You said that you do appreciate your husband and that you still do respect him. Well, that's great. Keep building your appreciation and trust for him. Every day, think of something that he's either done for you/ or does for you that you are grateful for, whether it's going out and working to support the family, throwing the trash, picking up the baby when you're tired and playing with him, complimenting your outfit, noticing your mood, buying you that thing you crave...'
- Do some activities together!