My Sister's Being Forced to Marry....

>> Thursday, September 12, 2013

Asalamu aialkum! Well, first of all… CONGRATULATIONS to littleAunt's Wedding!! Mabrok mabrouk!! I am soo happy for her/you  little Auntie!! ;))))))  *jumpy*   I'll hug to this if I could! still… mabrouk!!  Wishing you, only the BEST. =DAlright alright… I have this sister of mine who like you is getting married too.. But I think the difference is… she doesn’t like the guy. No. I’m SURE, she doesn't like the guy. (it’s a long story, when I say Long I mean REAL long) it starts with my grandmother, she’s the one who prefer that man for my sister.. Because, as I heard, of his parents. ( a distant relative which she dotes upon)  there might not be a problem, except that; the guy smokes (my sister is asthmatic btw), drinks  alcohol, and party loudly (although he’s a muslim), doesn't really have a job right now.. in short, not the kind of man you would willing to get married with..  Uh, yeah. There’s evidence already.. We've seen them but not virtually though) Pictures.. We've see pictures.. (Is it wrong that we did some digging? No offence to him.)  We handed out those evidences that we gathered, to our grandmother and she was like.. ‘So? young people do stupid things” and was like “The wedding is STILL on! “ and we were like “!??????” yeah… we were SPEECHLESS. We thought our grandmother was processed or something. Kidding. I know, I’m sure she has a reason. But really!?  My father tried to talk his mother out of this but, she wouldn't budge. She still thinks this is what’s best for my sister, for all of us. (I don’t see her point, really. Maybe you could?)  My sister fought her battle with all her heart.. Tears after tears..  Swollen eyes after swollen eyes.. Eye bags after Eye bags (joke?)..  She became someone else after she’s slowly realizing that this is a losing battle, She’s cranky all the time!. Sigh~ I could only pity her.. I wish I can help but.. I’m just a kid. Just a kid with nothing yet a say in this family. Here comes the problem… She accepted that she has to do It. She will have to be a sacrificial lamb. That there would be a wedding. but she claimed that she would never ever take part in consummating the marriage. That she’ll save her dowry for divorce. That she will act like there’s no wedding happened. Now, what should I say to her? Doing that is like a SIN, right? Once He become her husband, it’s customary the she obliged HIM no matter what, right? I don’t want her to commit this sin, If ever. Told you it’s a long story! This is not even the half of it. =D but I really need help, I love her and this kid want to help ... =( Concern bystander

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barakatoo,
First of all,our  thanks a lot hunny bunny for your sweeet words =) Hug and LOVE received! Jazakillah khairyan <3 nbsp="">

Second of all, I was so so so sad to read what you wrote about your sister. Your grandmother really doesn't have the right to do that, at all. From what you've described, there is nothing whatsoever particularly  to like or look forward to about this guy...(and no, that was totally completely correct to do a little digging! One should take 'bi al asbab' or use the means available to them when embarking on a big decision like marriage)...Maybe your grandmother finds his mistakes 'simple', but she's not the one marrying the guy. 

So here's the thing....
I can't really discuss the fiqh issue of whether or not your sister could do that, but I can give some advice:

I really really want you to tell your sister that NOBODY CAN FORCE HER TO GET MARRIED WITHOUT HER CONSENT. Yes, she has an alternative plan, but the reality is that she doesn't even need that plan.
Islam has made the woman's consent a condition for a marriage.
At the time of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), a woman came to him and said, “My father has married me to my cousin to raise his social standing and I was forced into it.” The Prophet sent for the girl’s father and then in his presence gave the girl the option of remaining married or nullifying the marriage. She responded, “O Messenger of Allah, I have accepted what my father did, but I wanted to show other women (that they could not be forced into a marriage). 

Tell her: don't give your consent!  

a) She needs to tell your father or WALI she will not go through with the marriage. The marriage requires her father's consent and not her grandmother's.She can show her wali the pictures and explain that even if young people make mistakes, this person is in no way attractive to her: not his personality, behavior, looks or anything.
b) If she doesn't want to that, then she can simply have this man somehow informed that unfortunately, it ai'nt working out. She can say that due to some things she has discovered, she will not be able to carry on with the matter. She can send him an email/ she can have someone tell his parents/ anything. If he gave her a gift, she can return it with a small note..It will be pretty clear that it is over.
c) She can appeal to the Imam about her situation and have him talk to your parents and grandmother.
d) If all that fails for some reason, the day of the wedding, she can stand up and say "I'm sorry, but I cannot do this."

I know that she thinks she has a plan....but unfortunately, most of us come from places where cultural expectations would be against her. How much you wanna bet people will be saying: "Hey, that's the girl who got married for one month and then got divorced. Wonder what was wrong with her". The  reality is that if she follows through with her plan, she would be sabotaging any real chance of love (later on). Besides, and more importantly, there is no reason whatsoever to be torturing one's self....not even one day.

Please tell her this before it is too late! 

10 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Anonymous,  September 12, 2013 at 3:38 AM  

Assalaamu alaykum. I agree to Little Auntie.

A husband is a guardian/leader of a wife. For me, after my marriage, I tend to meet whom my husband meets, tend to go where my husband goes, tend to do acts of worship he does(like praying witr, certain dhikr..). I strongly believe a husband should be the one who can be her model.

I pray for her.

Anonymous,  September 13, 2013 at 4:11 AM  

I agree with Little Auntie. After reading the post I feel appalled and really concerned for the sister getting married. She needs to believe in herself and do whatever it takes for her to not go ahead with the marriage if she is certain she doesn’t want to marry him.
I realise how influential some relatives can be in many of our lives but we have to draw a line somewhere! Yes, it is respectful to please your grandmother and obey her commands but not when they go against Allah’s will and Allah has willed that BOTH party’s consent is required for a marriage to be consummated.
If this sister thinks that she will easily be able to escape this marriage by getting a divorce ASAP, I think that’s a very naïve approach to solving this problem. If your grandmother is being SO pushy and fussy right now, what makes you think she will let the shame of a divorced grand-daughter be put upon her? She will try her best to not let this divorce happen and what if the guy is going to be totally against the divorce as well? How can this sister be sure that she will be able to get a divorce ASAP? She can’t! So many problems arise when people consider divorce. Her in-laws will be distraught and angry at the sister for not being honest about her feelings from the start. It makes it harder for both guy and girl to re-marry (much harder for the girl in most instances). If she will go back to living with her parents maybe they will be unhappy with her as well and won’t take her back. Either way, divorce is a MISERABLE thing and should be used as a LAST resort IN a marriage, it shouldn’t be considered before a marriage!
Perhaps the grandmother thinks that once this guy is married he will become a better person and will sort himself out. Maybe she is right? But she can definitely be wrong and it would truly be a NIGHTMARE for anyone to be married to a person they almost hate and who doesn’t act in accordance to Islam. Why would you allow that? The sister should contact the guy and be very clear about her feelings and request him to tell his parents to break it all of as well.
Lots of duas, J xxx :(

Anonymous,  September 16, 2013 at 7:28 AM  

Assalamu Alaikum. Hi, I'm Aminah. I was that sister being forced to marry. I appreciate what my little sister did. I'm grateful for the insightful reply and comments. Its true I don't want to marry that person. It so happen that my father already gave his consent and accepted the dowry, and they have also set the date. When they realized the gravity of my aversion to this planned alliance and its not only rebellious side of my youth talking, these things i mentioned have been cemented. My parents cried a river when the time came that my hostility was near boiling point and confronted me with how they realized they were wrong to be forced into agreeing to this and they gave me the choice between being selfish and breaking up the wedding or try my parents save-face. I was appalled by the choice they were giving me. Its like being given a choice between saving yourself or your parents. While I looked upon their sobbing faces, I reluctantly agreed to what they wanted all the while trying to push down the bile that's threatening to come out. I have never seen my parents cry like that in my entire 21 years of existence. they told me how they have to certain fondness with the guy. its just that my father wants to avoid the sin of breaking an agreement between muslims at my expense. I realized the gravity of all this and I try to forget everything while they prepare for the wedding. My parents expressed how heartbroken they will be if I choose to runaway. I'm afraid to be the cause of their high blood. They have hypertension and I fear what might happen. so, i get on everyday praying that my parents be reminded of the right thing to do...*sigh*

Anonymous,  September 16, 2013 at 7:32 AM  

P.S. I meant they have *no certain fondness for the guy. My father dont even want to be in the guy's presence whenever the guy comes to the house to visit. How my father hates seeing me cry my eyes out. Its just that he already agreed and he wants to honor his words or risk gaining ALLAH's wrath if he doesn't deliver his side of the agreement.

Little Auntie September 17, 2013 at 5:14 AM  

wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo,
Oh sister, I just feel terrible for you. I can't imagine what kind of situation you are in- feeling like you are either saving your parents or saving yourself- and it's so noble that you would choose to save your 'parents'...
But hunny, it is NOT a sin to break off an engagement if you have a Shariah reason:

It is only if you have no Sharirah reason to 'break off an engagement', is it considered that you have broken a promise.

But the reality is that the Sharia commands us to marry those who are righteous and pious...and this person does not fulfill what Islam says!

Little Auntie September 17, 2013 at 5:17 AM  

Meaning, your father would not have sinned if he were to inform them that he cannot continue with the matter>>>

Just think some more, hunny :) Please.

Love you!

Aminah September 17, 2013 at 11:34 PM  

Alhamdulillah. Thank you for responding. I am badly in need of sincere and un-biased people to talk to.

I've read the article. My parents adamantly believes that the guy is the right one for me because they know his parents well. His father and my father are 2nd cousins. and his parents have impeccable reputation where being amiable is concerned. Despite showing the evidences I found thru his FB and relaying the testimonials his friends made about him they still refuse to break the engagement. And because my proof are not exactly enough to break it. My 'rents, granny and the rest of the clan think he has the potential to change. coz this kind of alliance and apparently my violent reactions are not new to them. But I dare not depend my future on mere potentials. Is that too much to ask? or am I wrong to think so? Ya Allah..talking about my impending doom is always hard for me. If only I could be numb to all this pain.

my parents are also under too much emotional blackmail. They were told that if they dare break it, they would be the sole cause of the breakage of the bond within our clan. People will not look kindly upon my parents. they were also told that the older brother of the guy was forced to put a stop to his own engagement because they offered a lower amount of dowry to that girl (and the girl and her family knew about it) because their family chose to concentrate their resource for the dowry they gave my father.

so the 'kindness' his family has shown upon my parents weighs too much in their conscience. :(

seekingpatience,  September 18, 2013 at 4:48 AM

Sadly this is all too common. :( Sister,I pray that you get through this inshallah. It's not fair for you.

Anonymous,  September 20, 2013 at 2:40 AM  

This counsellor is very experienced and excellent at solving problems mA.!premarital/c2271
Please contact her. She is away for two weeks but I’m sure she’ll be happy to help as soon as she returns.

Aminah September 22, 2013 at 4:37 AM  

Thank you very much sisters for all your support. I feel very much uplifted. Alhamdulillah! May Allah bless you all. Love you all sisters for the sake of ALLAH. :)

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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