He loves me...He loves me not....?

I've recently come back to Islam and I'm very much confused. I've spent the last four years in a relationship with a guy. I've talked to him about making this relationship right and he said he would marry me, but in a year, inshaAllah because we have some problems right now. The problem is that a part of me is not so sure right now that I should marry him because during our time together we had two serious fights when I found out he was talking to another girl behind my back. I was very shocked and he said he would never do it again. But then it happened one more time. I told him then that I was done and that I could not be with a cheater. We parted ways but then he begged for my forgiveness. He told me that he loved me only and that he didn't even know why he was talking to the other girls. He's also introduced me to his family before, so I know that he was serious about me. His family are all very sweet and like me. A part of me desparaetly wants to believe that we are meant to be together, but another part isn't really sure what to do.
Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

I know I took foreveeeeeeeeeeer to respond,  but I just didn’t know where to start. This is going to be one jumbled up e-mail. Sorry about that! 

Sweetie, it sounds like you're really confused.  Our feelings can sometimes cloud our judgment and make things seem even more confusing. 


I can't tell you if he is the one for you, but something tells me, that deep down inside, you might already know the answer?

Is he the one for you?

If you were to answer that question- really fast- you know, react to the question, what would you say? I don't want you to justify his behavior. I want you to tell me what you may already know. I mean, the truth is, you've been with him for 4 years! Enough time to get a degree from university. 


 You know him better than I do, better than his family does, and better probably than he knows himself…..

Is he?

If he is, well, you need to keep in mind that dating is haram in Islam.  So, if you believe that he is the one for you, whether or not he has told your parents or his parents about it, you still can’t do anything….no touching hands…no calling him..no talking to him  (without a wali)... ….nothing....until he says those *magical words*: “I do/ I accept”. (Yes, the marriage nikah words.) I know you said that won’t be until a year inshaAllah, but until then, Islamically he is considered a ‘stranger’ to you.

Hey, think of it as 'really giving him a chance to see if he can stay committed to you-- see it a real real fresh start, one based on Allah's blessings, inshaAllah, because there won't be any 
haram!

Think about it. You’re that special! Only someone who is serious about you and serious about starting a future with you –-- only that kind of person- can even daydream about  calling you up in the middle of the night…hanging out with you....holding your hands...

---

On the other hand, if you’re thinking, “I’m really not sure if he is the one for me/ I don’t know why I gave him a second chance…."

I’ll tell you right now…..There's this saying that goes- 

“I won't let someone be my number 1 who makes me his number 2”. 

What do you think you are in his priority list? ( I really am asking....). I mean, of course his and your and all of our 'number 1' should be Allah, the prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa saalm, our parents....but after that, where are you?


 I want you to realize that four years isn’t forever. Yes, it’s a long time, but it isn’t forever. Marriage is going to be forever.  If you have one doubt about this relationship, it might be better to just 'stop it'. Why build your future on a risk of whether or not he will stay committed? That is the most basic aspect to a relationship, isn't it? 


I mean, just ask yourself a major question here: can I trust him 100% not to cheat on me again? What if it happens again?  What would happen to me? Will I be able to emotionally deal with that? What if ....what if...he doesn't change? 

Can you trust him? Will you always check his cellphone and his msn chats, etc.?                                                                      
    
You also need to keep in mind that  ‘love’ isn’t the ‘be all and end all’ of everything. 

A young man might claim that he loves a woman but hits her/or beats her. Would it really matter if he  "felt feelings for her" or loved her, then?

The question was never whether this man loved you or not.  It wasn't even whether you 
loved him or not.   The question was whether he would treat you right...whether he would treat you like he loved you.

You see, I hate to break this to you (I really do), but when you accept ‘his excuse’ about ‘loving’ you- you are saying that ‘you will accept any of his behavior as long as he loves you’. GIRL. You are worth more than that. You deserve more than that. The condition shouldn't be about his ‘love’ for you. You are loveable! Who wouldn't love you?! :D It should be about his behavior, because that’s what you’re going to be dealing with day in and day out. He should be 'showing you that he loves you'...not just telling you. 

The truth is this....

Sometimes (and this is what is supposed to happen Islamically)- two people marry each other, not yet completely in love. But these two people treat each other right- in a  courteous, respectful, sweet manner and their loves grows…..until they are in love with each other.

On the other hand, if you guys are crazy in love together, but you don’t treat each other right, that love will fade away….

So the issue isn’t about love. It’s about behavior. There's a big difference. 

In other words- he's supposed to be the guy that you go and cry to. He's not supposed to be 'why' you're crying!

  So sister, I think you need to seriously evaluate this relationship. You need to think about the marriage questions. If you get into a fight, how will he treat you? What does he think a wife is supposed to do? What kind of behavior does he think is accepted/ expected from him? What is a relationship to him? 

You get me?

 What does marriage mean to him? What does it mean to YOU? What kind of a father will he be? 

You need to also ask yourself this very tough question. When you think about keeping your relationship, are you thinking about 'him', or are you thinking about 'who you want him to be'? 

You can't think about 'who you want him to be' because that's not who he is. You have to think about 'him'. Take him as he is right now. Is the one you want 
to marry?

                        
More importantly, I think you really need to ask yourself (and you can ask him but with a wali present) about his 'values'? I mean if you want to have a good future together, that's what you need to know. Forget about the 'sweet memories/your shared history'- at this point in time, do you have a common vision? Do you share the same goal? Do you believe in the same things? You said you've come back to Islam, ma'shaAllah, and that's wonderful to hear.


Has he?
What if you want your daughter to wear hijab and he doesn't? What if he doesn't pray his 5 prayers? What if you don't want music clips in your house and he does? Even if you 'fell in love with' him before, if you don't agree on the role of religion in your life, you guys might drive each other crazy...(Besides, you really should marry someone who does want to be religious). .You really need to address these issues when you meet him with your wali,inshaAllah.  


One thing you can try is praying istikharah, too, inshaAllah. Remember, marriage is half of one's deen. 


Well sister, these are my thoughts on the issue. Hey, I told you it would be jumbled up. inshaAllah the other sisters can help, too :) And maybe you can ask someone more knowledgeable, too, inshaAllah :)

Before I go, though, I want to remind my sisters here that relationships outside of marriage are not permissible and  there is no way that Allah will bless a relationship that goes against His Laws. The door to repentance is open now, though...:)  May Allah guide us :D






Lots of love,


P.S. Animated Icons from: Here :)

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He's my whole World.

Assalamualaikum my dear sisters,
I have a huge problem and I don't know how to get myself out of this situation. I'm engaged with a brother but i keep on thinking about him most of the time. You could say that he is the centre of my life. I listen to a talk about "False attachment" in the youtube and I admit that I have this strong attachment with the brother (he is not even my husband yet :'( ). Alhamdulilah, we never contact each other since we agreed on not having each other's phone number or email address and try our best to observe the boundaries. If we were ever to deliver any news, we have to go through a third person. I'm actually very happy because the brother is a very good muslim. We couldn't get married yet due to some problems. InshAllah Allah knows the best time (Pls make doa for me if there's khayr :D ). The problem is not with him but with me. I'm sad to say that i'm far from the remembrance of Allah swt. When I pray, he is the biggest obstacles for me to concentrate. I know I have a sick heart and I even try to fight it but its hard for me to get out from this cycle. I'm scard if my actions now will affect my life after marriage. Its even sad when i hear this statement from the Quran "Yet there are men who take (for worship) other besides Allah, as equal (with Him). They love them as they should love Allah. But those of Faith are overflowing in their love for Allah (2:165) " Frankly, this brother distract me from the remembrance of Allah swt and i started to become restless. I might not make a strong statement that I love the brother just like i love Allah swt, but it is reflected through my actions and thinking (what occupy my mind the most). I'm afraid to say that the price of getting married is higher than i thought. I want to be close and remember Allah swt.

Wasalam.
Sister Cookie.
(p/s: Sorry if its too long for u to read, may Allah bless u all :D )

Wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!

Dearest Sister Cookie,

Awww your e-mail made me smile. Congrats on getting engaged! I'm sure it's very natural for a fiancée to think/dream a lot about her future hubby, but it's great ma'shaAllah that you have evaluated how much you think about him and how much you think about Allah. Your e-mail gives me personally a chance to reflect on myself and evaluate if Allah is really first in my life or not, so thank you for that. And girl, that a’int long. I don’t know what you think about our posts, LOL. But seriously, InshaAllah the readers can also evaluate themselves :)

So what can you do?

Well, I think you should start off with just reminding yourself of the facts. When you find your mind wandering, remember how much you really know about him. Are you thinking about something you actually know about him or are you thinking about something you want?

It's like right now, while you’re in this engagement period, he's like a 'ghost'- a shadow of himself.

Okay, that sounds positively eerie.

Let me put it in a different way. Right now, he's like this beautiful country that you've heard about and you dream about visiting.But as many tourists discover, every city has two sides to it. The side we see in commercials and the side the ordinary citizens have to battle with....;)

I’m not saying that he’s some kinda monster. NO WAY.

I’m just reminding you that he is not perfect. (In fact, I honestly think that he's the center of your attention right now because you are not married and you haven't experienced the very normal human side of him, yet. LOL.).

And, as positively cruel as this sounds, (don't hate me!) remind yourself that marrying him will not give you the 'perfect life'. Because the perfect life is not for now. It's in jannah.

See, I don't know if this is a reason why he's become the center of your life or not, but many girls often mistakenly look at their fiancée as the solution to all their problems (maybe the family is a bit strict at home/ parents just don't 'get it'/ whatever) and they imagine that by marrying them they will achieve ever lasting happiness. Unfortunately, that's not the reality of the matter.

Allah says in the Qur'an:

That We created man in toil and trouble. (90:4)

Single or married- we've all got our own problems to deal with, SubhanAllah.

The only One who can guide our hearts and grant us happiness actually is Allah.

Okay, besides reminding yourself of those things, what else can you do?

Make a "Why Do I Love Allah List"



Think about it.

Who is Allah?

He is the Most Loving, the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful, the One who loves to Blot out Sins, the Forgiver, the One Who Accepts Repentance, the One who Answers the Call of His servants (supplications) …

He is the only One who is Perfect.

He is the One has decreed that His Mercy prevails over his Wrath (related by Muslim and Bukhari.)


He is the One who is more merciful to us than a mother is to her baby (in a hadith related by Umar bin Al Khattab).

I think we often say that but we don't even realize how merciful that is. If we look into the animal kingdom though, we can see amazing amazing examples of mercy . I watched this amazing video once of a female mother bird who puts her life in danger for her babies. "The mother bird who sees an enemy approaching will quietly leave her nest, (actually) place herself in front of the enemy, and start to flutter on the ground, striking it with a wing, making painful cries, and trying to convince the enemy, while staying beyond its reach, that she is helpless (so that it will come to HER!). As the enemy tries to catch her, it gets farther away from the nest (her little babies)." Quoted from here:

In a hadith, it was said: Allah divided mercy in to 100 parts and he kept 99 parts with Himself, and sent down one part on the earth, and because of that one single part,His creation are merciful to each other, so that even the mare lifts up its hoof away from its calf, lest it should trample on it.'(Bukhari)

I mean think about all the mercy around us-- that's just one tiny part!

Think about the mercy of the Prophet- how he forgave the Qurayshi Arabs after all they did to him. Even though they plotted against him. Boycotted him. Abused him. Yet, what did he tell them in the end? "There is no blame upon you."

Now realize that the Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam's mercy still pales in comparison with the Mercy of the Most Merciful, who chose to begin every surah (except At Tauwbah) with that name.

He is the One who decided how to record the good deeds and the bad deeds in the most merciful and kindest way imaginable. He declared that whoever intended to do good deed but didn’t do it, He would write it down with Himself as a full good deed, and if the person intended to do it and did it, He would write itdown with Himself as from ten good deeds to seven hundred times, or many times over.

Whoever comes [on the Day of Judgement] with a good deed will have ten times the like thereof [to his credit], and whoever comes with an evil deed will not be recompensed except the like thereof; and they will not be wronged. (6: 160)

He showers us with blessings day in and day out. And we sin against Him day in and day out. And yet He stretches His hands out, ready to forgive us.

Allah is our Supporter and Al Hadi, guiding us every step of the way.

He is Al-Mujib- the One who answers the one in need if he asks Him and rescues the yearner if he calls upon Him. He wants us to call on Him.

He Who responds to the oppressed when they call on Him and removes their distress, and has appointed you as inheritors of the land. Is there another deity besides Allah? How little you pay heed! (Surat an-Naml, 62)

He is Near- just a dua away.

And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.

He remembers us! Imagine you went to a university made up of 1, 000,000 students and you weren't even an amazing student. Just a regular student. And the Chancellor of your university actually would personally call you- remember you- say your name? How great would you feel? Now think about Allah who is the Creator of every single thing...And yet, out of His billions of creations (the people that passed, the people to come, the people now, and all the other creations), if you remember Him, He remembers YOU. 

 I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assemble better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.

He is Ash-Shakur: The One who is Ever Appreciative. He is the One Who appreciates your deeds, however small they are, and doubles the rewards for you in this world and in the hereafter

Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "A prostitute was forgiven by Allah, because, passing by a panting dog near a well and seeing that the dog was about to die of thirst, she took off her shoe, and tying it with her head-cover she drew out some water for it. So, Allah forgave her because of that."

He is the One who cares for every single one of his creations and wants his servants to look after each other.

On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Messenger of Allah (sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam) said: Allah (mighty and sublime be He) will say on the Day of Resurrection:
O son of Adam, I fell ill and you visited Me not. He will say: O Lord, and how should I visit You when You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: Did you not know that My servant So-and-so had fallen ill and you visited him not? Did you not know that had you visited him you would have found Me with him? O son of Adam, I asked you for food and you fed Me not. He will say: O Lord, and how should I feed You when You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: Did you not know that My servant So-and-so asked you for food and you fed him not? Did you not know that had you fed him you would surely have found that (the reward for doing so) with Me? O son of Adam, I asked you to give Me to drink and you gave Me not to drink. He will say: O Lord, how should I give You to drink whin You are the Lord of the worlds? He will say: My servant So-and-so asked you to give him to drink and you gave him not to drink. Had you given him to drink you would have surely found that with Me.It was related by Muslim.

He is our Protector: … it is Our duty to help the believers. (Surat ar-Rum, 47)

He is the One who Loves:

On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Messenger of Allah (sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam) said: Allah (mighty and sublime be He) said:
Whosoever shows enmity to someone devoted to Me, I shall be at war with him. My servant draws not near to Me with anything more loved by Me than the religious duties I have enjoined upon him, and My servant continues to draw near to Me with supererogatory works so that I shall love him. When I love him I am his hearing with which he hears, his seeing with which he sees, his hand with which he strikes and his foot with which he walks. Were he to ask [something] of Me, I would surely give it to him, and were he to ask Me for refuge, I would surely grant him it. I do not hesitate about anything as much as I hesitate about [seizing] the soul of My faithful servant: he hates death and I hate hurting him.

It was related by al-Bukhari.


Did you know that it is said that the Throne of Allah shook for the death of a companion?

Umar narrated that the Messenger of Allah (salallahu alaihi wasalam) said: “This (i.e. Saad ibn Muadh) is the one at whose death the Throne shook, the gates of heaven were opened for him and seventy thousand angels attended his funeral. It squeezed* him once then released him.” [Sunan An-Nasai, Hadeeth No. 2057. Graded 'saheeh' by Shaikh Al-Albani in Saheeh Sunan An-Nasai, Hadeeth No. 2055]

According to the Darussalam commentary, "The Throne shook" means that it shook in the delight of his welcome.]


Don’t you want that, sis?

Can you imagine?

Allah is pleased with them, and they are pleased with Him. (Surat al-Mujadala, 22)

I bet you do....And the thing is.....these are all general reasons. I'm sure if you examine your own life thoroughly, you will find so many more blessings and favors that Allah has given you. You'll find how much He has been there for you :)

So it's time that you occupied  yourself with some more Islamic activities.

- Why not take the opportunity now to learn some more about Allah's Names? What do we mean when we say that He is the Provider? (Who gave you your fiancée)? What is it mean that He is Al Lateef? You can maybe make some kind of goal. "I'm going to learn 20 Names of Allah" before I get married. I highly encourage you to check these videos out…I mean these totally helped me grow in my love for Allah =)

http://journeyafterpurpose.wordpress.com/tag/amr-khaled/
http://journeyafterpurpose.wordpress.com/2008/08/11/amr-khaled-99-names-of-allah-al-kareemever-generous-or-the-noble/

- Dedicate some time to listening to the Qur'an and listening to Islamic lectures

-Make a ‘why am I thankful to Allah’ list =)
-Make a conscious effort to do some more dhikr.

InshaAllah sis, you’ll find yourself putting Allah first. inshaAllah the other sisters can share their advice,

With love,

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A Gift To You My Dear Sisters... (:

Dearest sisters, 

We love to have you ask us questions. We love that you can trust us to give you advice.

 We love to have you smile. 

We love you for the sake of Allah.

And we want you to smile - we care.

Sometimes it's all too easy to forget that Allah loves us more than we can imagine.

It's all too easy to forget how forgiving He is. And how much He cares. He is, after all, the best of planners and He will always plan for us the best things, inshaAllah.

I put together this little video just so that you can somehow understand that Allah loves us so much, and He is always listening to our Dua.

Please think about these words carefully:

Do not lose hope in your dua.

Don't worry - just pray.

When the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray. (:

Keep hoping. Keep praying. Keep Smiling. Keep Shining. InshaAllah.

Lots of love, 

The Little Aunties (:

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He Got Engaged.

You see I’m in a little situation and I think I may need some help. This is the first time I have ever openly discussed this with anyone so I will try to make it as simple as possible.

I know I am only 18 years old but I have already started thinking about marriage (my sister got married at 19 so I think it’s about time for me) . I have this very nice friend of mine who teaches me the quran and I really love her from the bottom of my heart(if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be a hiijabi today). Anyways, so my Qur'an teacher has this brother...and my Qur'an teacher told me about him. She also hinted a bit about marriage...She talked a lot about him, and definitely made it clear that he was looking for a wife.

Well, to be honest with you, after hearing all about him,  I kind of fell in love with him.. without even knowing him! I fell in love with him because I loved my Qur'an teacher so much. I didn’t see him or his family for a long time while I was in Jordan but 2 weeks before we were coming back home, his mom invited us over for dinner at their house. When I was there I learned that he just got engaged and that they are planning his wedding soon. I was CRUSHED when I heard this ...

When I came back home everything seemed fine, but a couple days ago I was on facebook and I came across his name and I just remembered all the feelings I got when I used to love him and I think I still do. But the thing is that he is engaged and I would never ever want anything bad to happen to his engagement. I have no idea how I should move on because honestly I was almost sure that we were getting married.

I feel like this entire situation seems silly, I mean how can I fall in love with someone I have never met?! (in a way I kind of did because S always talks about him! I mean always)But I really am hurt that he never became my fiancée. He was honestly like my dream guy. Please help me.

Sincerely,
Confused n HeartBroken.

Dear Confused n HeartBroken,

My darling sister!! First of all, can I offer you a big ole’ hug?  

I read your e-mail and I felt so terrible for you.  I can completely understand how ‘you could fall in love with a person’ you didn’t meet because of all the great things you heard about him and because he was your Qur’an teacher’s brother. Heck, if my Qur’an teacher had a bro, I probably would dream about marrying him, myself. So yes, I really don’t think you are acting silly at all.  

In fact, I actually almost had something similar happen. I met this wonderful woman once. Her name was Mariam. She was religious, sweet, and from the very first moment, she made me laugh and put me at ease (which is not something that happens easily for me when I am talking in ‘arabic’- I prefer talking in English).  I clicked with her. Then, she described her brother who was also ‘religious’ and smart and funny and who memorized the Qur’an……she was hinting a bit about marriage.  And yeah…I was thinking,  “HELL YEAH”:P.

But you know what?

I realized later that her brother was NOT Mariam as a man. He was a different person. I didn’t end up meeting him, and he might have been a wonderful person, but I learned the lesson. I had only to look at my own brother. He’s totally totally different from me. Granted, he’s 14 and I’m 23, but despite having the same parents and many of the same qualities, we are different people.

I also learned that just because he was a wonderful person, didn’t mean that he was ‘Mr. Right’ for me.

And that’s what you have to come to terms with. You have to realize that you were never actually in love with her brother. You were in love with an idea that took the shape of her brother. 

It was all an ‘ideal’ image that your mind drew based on the limited information you were given by the well- meaning people around you. (Your Qur’an teacher, who maybe really did think you were going to marry him).

It’s actually probably BECAUSE you didn’t meet him, that you were so in love. Trust me. Almost every time a suitor came to me (I’ve had like 3 or 4), I would start to slowly get excited’/ ‘daydream’ about the person…and I would, in my mind, build a future with this person using the  information I had (which was almost always ONLY GOOD StUff).

It was only when I met them and actually talked with them (with a wali present) that I was confronted with the fact that they were real people. People  with faults, just like me.

People with their own baggage. People with annoying habits. People with demands. Things they wanted. Things they didn’t want.

And even though, they were good people, we honestly would have ‘driven each other nuts’ if we had gotten together. 

So, right now, he seems like the man of your dreams, only because that is exactly what he is.  A dream.

All this time, when you were you thinking about 'him', you were actually thinking about 'who you want him to be'- and who you actually want. Not ‘who he actually’ is.

Since you actually never talked to him, you never had a chance to discover his all too ‘humanness’ or the qualities that might have ‘turned you away from him’.

Does this sound really abstract to you? Let me put it in simple terms.

You were so in love because he was exactly what you wanted! Using the info you were given, you ‘shaped’ him in your mind, you get me?

Ok, you’re not convinced.

Let’s try a different way.

Ask yourself-

·         What did you actually love about him? Was it ‘his qualities’ or actually….

·         What he could have offered you?

 Were you thinking of what you would be with him? Were you thinking “we will build the perfect Muslim home, he’ll teach me Qur’an, etc. etc.”Were you thinking of who YOU will be with him?

If you really were thinking of what you would do ‘together’ and the ‘person you would become’, and that’s what really was the driving force behind wanting to marry him, realize that marriage doesn’t actually transform you into who you want to be. It actually exposes who you already are. All your quirks, and also *bad habits* emerge.  It’s really hard work, you know?

If on the other hand, it was the qualities he had (like how he treats his mother/ etc.), don’t worry, my sister!!  You will find those qualities again in a different person. A better person. Someone meant only for you. Someone who's dream girl is you...

Trust in Allah. Trust that He would never let you down. Since you are looking for a halal relationship, marriage, you will inshaAllah find Him on your side.

Turn to Him. Make dua. Tell him “O, Allah, you know how much I wanted to marry him. Please bless me with someone better, who you love and will love me” or something like that. Open up to Allah.

And give yourself time. You can’t be expected to get over all your feelings at once…..you spent a long time, envisioning a future with him. It will definitely take time to get over him…

But you should, however, block/ delete him on facebook so that you can’t see him/ don’t open the wounds all over again..

Oh and you know, your Qur’an teacher maybe also really wanted you to marry her bro…..She may really have been convinced that you guys would be together, but SubhanAllah, Allah has the perfect plan for everyone. Maybe her bro had been planning the whole time to marry that woman. Maybe things happened suddenly. Whatever the case, we just have to remember that even though things didn’t go according to ‘our’ plans, they go according to Allah’s Plan- and He is the Most Wise and Compassionate.

Remember....

" Verily, when Allah withholds, He actually gives, because He did not withhold on account of miserliness or stinginess, but rather He looked at the benefit of the servant. 

So the fact that He withheld is actually His choice for the servant and His excellent decision.” 

I hope things get better for you, dear sister. You can always write back to us. Lots of hugs !!

 The little aunties

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I Don't Want to Marry a Stranger!

I really don’t want to marry a stranger….and I don’t want to marry my cousin, either! I know dating isn’t allowed, but I just can’t imagine spending my life with someone I don’t even love yet alone know. I’m only 17, so there’s still time before I get married, but I can’t help thinking about this.
Hopeless Romantic

Dear Hopeless Romantic,

How about you marry my cousin and I marry yours? LOL! I’m just kidding! Seriously, though, marriage in Islam is a beautiful and sacred partnership. Husband and wife are described as garments for one another and Allah calls their relationship ‘a sign’:

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect. (30:21)

You’re not alone in your fears though. Many of us harbor the fear that our parents are going to shove us at a random stranger who we’ll only meet a few weeks before the wedding night….and who twenty years later, we’ll be wishing we never met.


Fears aside, let’s try to look at the marriage process a little more realistically.

How does the marriage process really work? Usually, it’s a community effort. No joke. What basically happens is that when you feel ready for marriage or sometimes when your mother (or real aunty) feel like you are ready for marriage (but you just don’t know it yet-LOL-), operation “Get her married” begins. Yup, the word starts spreading throughout the community. Other mothers pass the word. Neighbors join. Mothers of neighbors join. Neighbors of mothers of neighbors join…LOL! Somehow or another the entire community discovers that Helpless Romantic, X, Y, and Z are all eligible bachelorettes. Next, the community rolls up its sleeves and starts looking for Mr. Charming for each one. Essentially (and ideally), they look for someone with the same status, an appropriate age gap, similar education, similar level of religiosity, etc.

The next step is a little more interesting. Once they find someone who appears suitable, they give him your wali’s number. When he finally gets the nerve, Mr. Potentially Right calls up your wali. If your wali decides he’s worthy enough to meet you, you two get to meet. (Insert: dramatic music. Just kidding!) Before he comes, though, you should pray istikhara and make lots of dua.

Of course, while Daddy or Big Brother ( literally! or whoever your wali is) is present, you two start talking. You ask him all kinds of questions- about his child hood, his family, his views on: religion, money, parenting, etc. And of course you ask him about himself: what kind of traits he admires in himself, what he wants to improve, his pet peeves in general, his hobbies, etc. (Check out the The Big List of Questions! for a comprehensive list of questions- be careful though that you don’t bark these questions at him but that you work your way around them)

You don’t necessarily ask him all these questions in the first meeting. And that’s just it- you don’t only need to meet once. So long as you follow the Islamic guidelines and you have a wali present, you can meet a couple of times just to decide whether or not you think he really is suitable.  (After this, the ‘background criminal record check begins’—well, at least in my family’s side, lol. Seriously, usually your family will ask a few people who know this person’ what he’s like/his good qualities/his not so good qualities’, etc.)

But anyways…are you going to be singing  in the rain while all this  is happening?  Probably not. Are you going to be sighing all the time? Probably not. Are your toes going to curl? Again, probably not. (What is that supposed to mean anyway?!) You’re still going to feel your heart flutter a bit, excitement, nervousness, fear, etc but you’re not necessarily going to be in love with this person. Not yet. Is that really a bad thing, though? They say love is blind and for a reason. Do you really want to pick someone only with your heart? Wouldn’t you rather pick someone with your heart and mind?  That’s basically what Islam promotes. It doesn’t say ‘just marry anyone or any random stranger’- it says pick someone carefully. What’s so wrong about that?

  Also, don’t forget that in the Islamic way of getting married there is the nikah, or the “signing” of the contracts, a time period, and then the wedding night. It’s up to you- nowhere does it say you have to sign the contract and live with the person the very same night. You can take as long as you want to get to know the person (after you’ve signed the contract if you don’t want a wali to be present) before you decide to live with the person.  

But you know what? What you need to focus on, Hopeless Romantic, is not about marrying a stranger but that the person you do end up marrying doesn’t end up becoming a stranger! Honestly, cooperation, patience, open communication- these are all things  you need to focus on improving in yourself so that when you do get married, you don’t find yourself resenting Mr. Right.  I mean: let’s be honest with ourselves- right now, does your family really know YOU? I mean, the real you? Or are there some members in your family, who you’ve been seeing for the past 17 years everyday, who are just complete strangers to you? I’m not talking about “Oh- my brother is some weirdo from Mars” either…if you know what I mean?  

We’ve been brought up in a culture where the “magic kiss” transforms people’s lives to the better and “happily ever after’ is around the corner. Little Miss Aunty is going to tell you something….

Marriage is not all about holding hands and smooching under the patio with happy healthy kids jumping around.

  Marriage is a lot harder than that.

I once heard the expression: Love is not only a noun. It’s a verb. It requires doing. Every day. I also heard another quote that goes something like this: “I can’t tell you if you married the right person. I can tell you that if you treat him like the right person, it’ll work out”.

The truth is life changes us. Even if you marry someone you fell in love with, they could end up becoming a stranger as time passes. When you have phone bills, school fees, a roof that’s leaking, a sick child, and you can still smile at your hubby and laugh, then that’s true love.

And that kind of love requires work.  

Wishing that you find 'true love',

P.S. One really great series that deals with this issue from A-Z was written by sister Megan Wyatt. You can read the most important article, “The Fairytale that Never Was” or you can start from the beginning, which is also VERY important:  The Stupid Glass Slipper

P.S.S. While we’re on the subject, you should also check out “ Ten Ways to Marry the Wrong Person (Great link! Very good advice).

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