My Best Friend's Getting Hitched.

>> Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Asalamualaikum Little Aunties (:

I am a teen and I have re-discovered my Islam for three years now, Alhamdulilah. I think I am doing pretty well, I try my best to be the best Muslimah I can be. I love Islam so much, I love to have Iman rushes, they make me so…happy…Alhamdulilah. Last year, I met someone like myself, she had the same goals as me and always greeted me with a loving smile. We would always drive to seminars together, and talk about Allah. As the year went on we became really close. She always told me she loved me like a sister, I always told her I love her too. I really did, and I really do. Anyways, one day her parents told me about the man (Husband) they found for her daughter. My heart broke. I don’t know why but I don’t want her to get married. I don’t want her to have to spend time with him. I couldn’t admit it to myself until now, but I wanted her to myself. I feel really selfish. Reeaaally selfish. Especially because I can sense a hint of excitement in her voice. And I cant explain my feelings. I honesly cant explain my feelings.I don’t understand why I feel this way towards her…I think its hindering my relationship with Allah. And I don’t want that…because I really love Allah so much. I want more that anything to please Allah and be really close to him. I cant seem to understand myself. I really don’t know what to do now…please help me.


Dearest Confused Cupcake,

First of all, I want to reassure you that you're absolutely normal. I know the media spins the word 'homosexuality' a lot- so much- that many of us end up harboring fears/worries that we're not normal. If that happens to you, just ask yourself "Did you ever feel attracted to women before you met your friend?" I bet you didn't...

You know why?

This actually isn't really about her. This is about YOU.

You see, as human beings, we fear change. It unsettles us. You were used to- comfortable- happy with your life....All of a sudden, your 'best friend'- the person who understood you the most- is getting married and you feel like you're being left she's leaving you behind.... You're scared of what's going to happen and you're scared of being alone. Who are you going to hang out with now? Is she going to forget you? What are you going to do now?

So, naturally, you just don't want her to get married.

I'll let you in a little secret. When my twin had a proposal, I also didn't want her to get married. I felt terrible all the time- guilty that I wasn't sharing in her happiness- lonely- sad- but most of all scared...worried that if she got married, I'd be stuck all alone. So believe me, when I tell you that this is normal.

That said, hun, you do gotta stop for a second and just breathe in and breathe out.

1. You have to understand that 'marriage' doesn't necessarily end a friendship. She can still be your best friend. I have very close married friends. Maybe you won't see her as much, but friendship isn't based on your marital status. It is based on being there for each other. Be there for her now and you will find her there for you. Support her/ offer to go shopping with her/ help her pick her wedding invitations and dress/ whatever....Because that's what friendship is based on: communication, trust and support.

If your friend finds you at her side, helping her through her own mixed up and tangled emotions, chances are your friendship is truly going to blossom into an even maturer friendship..a friendship based on mutual support..a friendship where you give rather than 'receive'... a true sisterhood. Besides, believe me, if she's not working, when her husband is at work and she's stuck at home all day, she's going to wish that there's someone to talk to..and if she finds you at her side, she's going to turn to you again :)

If you, on the other hand, refuse to let her voice her excitement about this new stage in her life- if you sit down, all clam shut and sulky- you're the one ending the friendship. Seriously, ask yourself: "Is her marriage taking her away from me or is it my own actions that are doing that?"

2. Think about 3 reasons why this marriage is a good thing. Stop thinking about why you're unhappy. Sit down and consider things from your friend's point of view and think about why this is a good match.

3. Trust that no matter what happens, you will never be alone. Allah is always near the believers (in His mercy, power, etc.). Not only that, but think about just 2 years ago- before you knew this sister. Who sent her to you? Allah! Be grateful to Him and be open to His plan. Maybe if you're thankful and turn to Him, He will also send you more amazing sisters :)

I mean, since you're a teen but you're driving, it seems like you might be starting university or have started it already? Maybe you'll meet some other new sisters next semester who will also be very close to you. You can try joining the MSA or whatnot :)

Also trust that your turn will come and that one day you will also marry, inshaAllah...:)

And finally....
 4: Don't ever build your life around one person alone because, no matter how wonderful or perfect that person is, that person is just a person....One day, they will be gone (whether they pass away or move somewhere or you end up growing in different directions). Remember these verses:
Everyone upon the earth will perish, (26) And there will remain the Face of your Lord, Owner of Majesty and Honor. (27) So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny? (28) Whoever is within the heavens and earth asks Him; every day He is bringing about a matter. (29) So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny? (30) (Surat Ar Rahman).
This is something difficult to do when "Allah" seems like an abstract Being. That's why it's important to read more about Allah's attributes to understand just how Perfect He is. Talk to Him about your own feelings.

This is also a good link for you to read.

I hope inshaAllah this helps you a bit!
Lots of love,
Little auntie

Asalamualaikum Little Auntie <3 JazakAllahuakaiiirrrun <333 yes, thats exactly how i feel. Im glad you understood me when i couldnt understand myself, im relieved. Alhamdulilah :) And your right, i was scarerd. Reaalllly scared. It turns out, she was scared too. Even more scared than me. She talked to me about it and started crying. I told her what you told me, that we would still have time for each other and that change is okay ^_^ She told me about her husband-to-be and she seems to really love him, he is a really good muslim MashaAllah. i am happy for her, now that i can stop thinking about myself...i really am happy for her. And i told her that. And heres the best part. i got a proposal. actually, i got two! and my parents really likes one on the men for me... AllahuAkbr...inshaAllah Kair :) Make dua for me And my Friend ^_^

6 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Anonymous,  October 12, 2011 at 8:37 PM  

It helps:) Even though I havent felt the way she feel, I could find some meaningful point here.

Shireen Baig October 13, 2011 at 12:21 AM  

First off, let me rant I posted this long comment on this post through Internet Explorer and it just didnt let me grr!

Secondly, I'll try writing it again :P
To the confused cupcake (iloooove ur name)
As DLA said it's quite normal to have such feelings when your bestie is getting married. I finished college about 3 years back and I live now in a different country so when I came here I stopped making friends altogether, like I just had acquaintances thats all. About 7 months back I met a girl at the islamic centre and we've been best friends ever since then, around september she got hitched and i felt like 'Great now I've to lose a friend'.. The reason why i didn't make friends here was not to lose any but I forgot that distance and time does not affect friendship it only makes it sweeter. and what do you know two weeks later i got hitched :P LOL. my point that friends DONT change, my best friend from college lives in another country and i met her once in 3 years yet we know we are still close. Then there's internet and apps that make it so easier to constantly be in touch.
in short, don't worry you'll be okay. Just remember, that we cannot attach ourselves too much with anyone. cannot be dependent on them only on allah :)

HannaYoo October 14, 2011 at 7:45 AM  

Alhamdulillah for this thing! :))

I used to be like this before. I mean, there were those times that I hate seeing my super ever best friend with our other friends. But i realized that it's not good. Good thing we're still the best buddies until today and Inshaallah will still be. We love each other even if we don't see each other that often.

Anonymous,  October 14, 2011 at 9:16 AM  

aww it felt so great to see you guys' name there- to see OUR name there! haha! Alhamdulillah! i voted i voted! :D

Anonymous,  October 17, 2011 at 7:46 AM  

Masha'Allah sister, you are not alone in this! A close friend of mine just got married a couple of months back and I was slightly upset too that things are changing. It's true though that once people are married, they disappear for awhile but insha'Allah I'm sure if you were to contact the sister, she would reply!

Also, like lil auntie said, get yourself involved in the MSA or other Islamic activities so as to expand your network and keep your mind off your friend for a bit. I'm sure there are many wonderful sisters out there, just like your friend that you have yet to meet. I live in a different country from my close friends but al-Hamdulillah, I'm amazed to have found equally beautiful sisters in the community I live in now al-Hamdulillah.. so don't worry be happy insha'Allah :) I'm sure if you are in her shoes right now, she would want the best for you too right? :)

Little Auntie October 19, 2011 at 7:08 PM  

the One Who needs Reminders, ma'shaAllah!! What a happy ending :D mabroooooooook!
Umm Khalil, jazakillah for sharing your personal experience, too :D
The sister wrote back to me and said that alhamdillah she had a talk with her friend and her friend actually admitted she was also scared of losing their friendship and they promised not to :) AND she even got a proposal, too, ma'sahAllah!

Anon- hehe, thanks for voting for us!!

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Asalamu aialkum!
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