The Non-Muslim Guy Friend Crush Thing.

>> Saturday, October 29, 2011

I live in America, in a city where there aren't that many Muslims. I know that we're not supposed to have a relationship with a guy before marriage. Alahmdillah, I have not done that. I love our religion and I love explaining it to people. My problem though is that I kind of have a crush on a guy who isn't Muslim. There are also some rumors that he may like me, too. A part of me wants to believe that we are meant for each other, that maybe I'll help him convert to Islam. Another part of me knows that he's not interested in religion and maybe even doubts God's existence. I'm just kind of in a crossroads right now. How do I get over this crush?

Dearest "Crushed",

Tell me about it. Our brains know one thing and our hearts say another....It can be real really confusing when you're in that kind of situation, especially with the popular media's emphasis on "love". "He drives me crazy. But I can't live without him." You know, the whole love is a drug kinda thing. Sometimes, you actually find yourself wanting to be swept up in that 'craze' want to 'fall into this *delicious torture* as the media depicts it. You want to be 'in love'. (Note: when I say "you", I do not mean you, personally. I'm talking about any sister reading this :P)

That's why, we gotta throw out those 'romance books' and 'romantic comedies' away. (Note: When I say away, I do not mean under your bed but seriously far away. It's fun making notes, hehe :P)

But anyways, before I go off on a rant here, let's get back tot he topic. How do you get over this guy?

1. Well, think about it this way. What is it that you really like about this guy? Is it how special he makes you feel? And maybe how beautiful you feel when you're around him? You see, I think it's really easy to fall in love with the special way a person treats us. So, this guy makes you feel special and different and pretty and all that..And you really are all that, but you're that without the guy. The question is, do you really know that?

2. Don't think about the similarities you share with him and just think a bit about the differences. And what those differences entail. You need someone who will honor and cherish both sides of you as an American Muslim. Someone who will understand your sense of humor but who will also help you wake up for fajr time. Someone who will eat brownies with you while you listen to a nice Islamic lecture. Someone who will want your children to learn about Allah, teach them how to pray and at the same time, do the hokey pokey and all that. You get what I'm saying? Someone whose love for you will exceed this world- who will do their best to protect you and let you achieve the gardens of bliss in the Hereafter. Someone who wants to be with you under the Throne of Allah with the prophets.

3. Don't give it too much importance. It's just a crush. As cruel as that sounds, just keep reminding yourself that this feeling is going to go away. That's what crushes do. They fade with time :)

But, in the meantime, what you can do instead is try and busy yourself with something. Why not take the time now to seek knowledge? Or get a new hobby- graphic designing/ blogging/ poetry writing. The more things you have to do, the less time you have to daydream about him.

What about "converting him"?

Well, honey, dawah is a great thing to do, but remember, there is a way to do it. If you really want him to learn more about Islam, you can make dua for him and ask your brother/ some brothers to talk to him about it/ invite him to any MSA events. But whether or not, he does convert, it's not up to you...It's not about how much you talk to him. Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala guides whom He wills. I know how tempting it can be to think that "but, maybe he'll understand from me...he'll convert for me"...but sweetie...remember our post on "the best intentions?"

Remember, he's a non-Muslim and if you do get into a relationship with him, then you are deliberately setting yourself and him up for disaster (heart break). I mean, besides being haram, you are being unfair to him. Think about that :)

And finally, the truth is that we cannot always help our feelings, crushes included. But we can control our behavior. In Islam, we are held accountable on what we do with those feelings- if we act upon them. So maintain your modesty, resist the urge to flirt or do anything of that kind, and pray for a wonderful husband :)

Lots of love,

9 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Anonymous,  October 29, 2011 at 10:01 PM  

I really like this one! I can relate.

Well. in the very end, he's not a Muslim. thats tha hardest part of it.

anyway, maybe some of you could also say something about my situation. I have a crush or maybe like that to someone (He's a Muslim) definitely, he is. He was the reason why I wore my hijab. until I learned that we have to do everything for God's sake alone. Alhamdulillah! I mean, he is good-looking, smart, and really faithful. He is the one who inspires me when it comes to academe and of course, when it comes to religion. Isn't it bad If I include him to my prayers? that i hope hes the one for me. I know him for almost 6 years. We rarely talk to each other in person (you know, once in a blue moon.) Isnt it bad if I assume that maybe he likes me too?; AND he never took advantage of me. I just dont know if I just like him or may be love. I just pray the best for him. And I thank God that I was given the chance to meet him.

Anonymous,  October 31, 2011 at 12:46 AM  

I am stuck in such a weird situation. I have this guy friend from college, who I DO have a crush on, but i dont like talking to him on cell, despite of the crush. I always delete his number from my cell, yet he texts me again after some time/days. The problem that I am facing where it's getting hard for me to stop this "Cell Phone contact" thing is that he is a really good and well informed Muslim, and that he talks to me ONLY about religion. His religious ideas, his religious feelings, his religious outcomes. And that's it. Somewhere deep inside I know I shouldn't be talking to him EVEN IF ITS RELIGION yet I do- sometimes out of courtesy and sometimes because I am overwhelmed by my "crush" feelings. Ugh! I don't know what to do. Sometimes I think of just texting him to tell him that it's not right for us to talk even if its only about religion, but then I think how badly he will take that. And I cant afford that probably because he studies in my college. So.. What a weird, twisted situation.

Little Auntie October 31, 2011 at 6:01 AM  

To the first and last anonymous-
Sisters, it's wonderful that you guys want to be better Muslimahs and that you are working on it, but if you truly want to be the best Muslimahs you can be, it starts with making the RIGHT decision of who will be your support buddy. You see, it is definitely an important thing to have support on your path to becoming more religious, but you have to be smart about who you choose to be that person.

Please read the following question and answer that are somewhat related to your questions here:

Anonymous number 2, inshaAllah I'll be answering you in a more detailed reply soon.

Anonymous,  October 31, 2011 at 9:57 PM  

JazakAllah Lil Auntie! :)

Anonymous,  November 1, 2011 at 1:49 PM  

what about the general horrible, painful feeling of missing someone. someone you've stopped talking to because it's not gud. even tho he had feelings too. it's been ages. and i try to distract me. but i miss him. i'll never go back tho i want to. my faith needs to leave him. sometimes i want to knwo if he's okay. i care about him and i miss him. he's probs forgotten about me now though.

Yasmin November 2, 2011 at 3:52 AM  

this is the Most confusing situation specaily when ur in so called "LOVE" its hard to think about something else its like blocked in ur mind and heart but when he breaks ur heart u realize How Stupid u were u left ur religion for such Guy who dosent care ??

its hard to think dis way now wen ur so IN love but aftr getting hurt u will come to dis conclusion

Little Auntie November 7, 2011 at 3:34 AM  

Anonymous, hun, that feeling is terrible and it can make you cry...but more often than not,you are missing 'a moment that has passed'. You and him have moved in different directions. You are no longer the person you were and he probably isn't the person he was...What you miss isn't "him" alone but 'the delusion of happiness' that you felt..the feelings of love and care..

But you will find a different love when the time is right, inshaAllah (marriage when Allah grants it). For now, gently tell those memories good bye and allow yourself to open up/ wait for Allah's blessings <3

Anonymous,  September 13, 2013 at 2:35 PM  

pray for me sisters.i am in a situation that Allah knows about. Thank you

Anonymous,  November 24, 2013 at 1:36 PM  

subhan Allah i just stumbled across this and i am in the same situation but my reasons are that i like him because he looks almost perfect to me and he is charming and this makes me sad that i wont find someone just like him what do i do?

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Asalamu aialkum!
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