He Got Engaged.

You see I’m in a little situation and I think I may need some help. This is the first time I have ever openly discussed this with anyone so I will try to make it as simple as possible.

I know I am only 18 years old but I have already started thinking about marriage (my sister got married at 19 so I think it’s about time for me) . I have this very nice friend of mine who teaches me the quran and I really love her from the bottom of my heart(if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be a hiijabi today). Anyways, so my Qur'an teacher has this brother...and my Qur'an teacher told me about him. She also hinted a bit about marriage...She talked a lot about him, and definitely made it clear that he was looking for a wife.

Well, to be honest with you, after hearing all about him,  I kind of fell in love with him.. without even knowing him! I fell in love with him because I loved my Qur'an teacher so much. I didn’t see him or his family for a long time while I was in Jordan but 2 weeks before we were coming back home, his mom invited us over for dinner at their house. When I was there I learned that he just got engaged and that they are planning his wedding soon. I was CRUSHED when I heard this ...

When I came back home everything seemed fine, but a couple days ago I was on facebook and I came across his name and I just remembered all the feelings I got when I used to love him and I think I still do. But the thing is that he is engaged and I would never ever want anything bad to happen to his engagement. I have no idea how I should move on because honestly I was almost sure that we were getting married.

I feel like this entire situation seems silly, I mean how can I fall in love with someone I have never met?! (in a way I kind of did because S always talks about him! I mean always)But I really am hurt that he never became my fiancée. He was honestly like my dream guy. Please help me.

Sincerely,
Confused n HeartBroken.

Dear Confused n HeartBroken,

My darling sister!! First of all, can I offer you a big ole’ hug?  

I read your e-mail and I felt so terrible for you.  I can completely understand how ‘you could fall in love with a person’ you didn’t meet because of all the great things you heard about him and because he was your Qur’an teacher’s brother. Heck, if my Qur’an teacher had a bro, I probably would dream about marrying him, myself. So yes, I really don’t think you are acting silly at all.  

In fact, I actually almost had something similar happen. I met this wonderful woman once. Her name was Mariam. She was religious, sweet, and from the very first moment, she made me laugh and put me at ease (which is not something that happens easily for me when I am talking in ‘arabic’- I prefer talking in English).  I clicked with her. Then, she described her brother who was also ‘religious’ and smart and funny and who memorized the Qur’an……she was hinting a bit about marriage.  And yeah…I was thinking,  “HELL YEAH”:P.

But you know what?

I realized later that her brother was NOT Mariam as a man. He was a different person. I didn’t end up meeting him, and he might have been a wonderful person, but I learned the lesson. I had only to look at my own brother. He’s totally totally different from me. Granted, he’s 14 and I’m 23, but despite having the same parents and many of the same qualities, we are different people.

I also learned that just because he was a wonderful person, didn’t mean that he was ‘Mr. Right’ for me.

And that’s what you have to come to terms with. You have to realize that you were never actually in love with her brother. You were in love with an idea that took the shape of her brother. 

It was all an ‘ideal’ image that your mind drew based on the limited information you were given by the well- meaning people around you. (Your Qur’an teacher, who maybe really did think you were going to marry him).

It’s actually probably BECAUSE you didn’t meet him, that you were so in love. Trust me. Almost every time a suitor came to me (I’ve had like 3 or 4), I would start to slowly get excited’/ ‘daydream’ about the person…and I would, in my mind, build a future with this person using the  information I had (which was almost always ONLY GOOD StUff).

It was only when I met them and actually talked with them (with a wali present) that I was confronted with the fact that they were real people. People  with faults, just like me.

People with their own baggage. People with annoying habits. People with demands. Things they wanted. Things they didn’t want.

And even though, they were good people, we honestly would have ‘driven each other nuts’ if we had gotten together. 

So, right now, he seems like the man of your dreams, only because that is exactly what he is.  A dream.

All this time, when you were you thinking about 'him', you were actually thinking about 'who you want him to be'- and who you actually want. Not ‘who he actually’ is.

Since you actually never talked to him, you never had a chance to discover his all too ‘humanness’ or the qualities that might have ‘turned you away from him’.

Does this sound really abstract to you? Let me put it in simple terms.

You were so in love because he was exactly what you wanted! Using the info you were given, you ‘shaped’ him in your mind, you get me?

Ok, you’re not convinced.

Let’s try a different way.

Ask yourself-

·         What did you actually love about him? Was it ‘his qualities’ or actually….

·         What he could have offered you?

 Were you thinking of what you would be with him? Were you thinking “we will build the perfect Muslim home, he’ll teach me Qur’an, etc. etc.”Were you thinking of who YOU will be with him?

If you really were thinking of what you would do ‘together’ and the ‘person you would become’, and that’s what really was the driving force behind wanting to marry him, realize that marriage doesn’t actually transform you into who you want to be. It actually exposes who you already are. All your quirks, and also *bad habits* emerge.  It’s really hard work, you know?

If on the other hand, it was the qualities he had (like how he treats his mother/ etc.), don’t worry, my sister!!  You will find those qualities again in a different person. A better person. Someone meant only for you. Someone who's dream girl is you...

Trust in Allah. Trust that He would never let you down. Since you are looking for a halal relationship, marriage, you will inshaAllah find Him on your side.

Turn to Him. Make dua. Tell him “O, Allah, you know how much I wanted to marry him. Please bless me with someone better, who you love and will love me” or something like that. Open up to Allah.

And give yourself time. You can’t be expected to get over all your feelings at once…..you spent a long time, envisioning a future with him. It will definitely take time to get over him…

But you should, however, block/ delete him on facebook so that you can’t see him/ don’t open the wounds all over again..

Oh and you know, your Qur’an teacher maybe also really wanted you to marry her bro…..She may really have been convinced that you guys would be together, but SubhanAllah, Allah has the perfect plan for everyone. Maybe her bro had been planning the whole time to marry that woman. Maybe things happened suddenly. Whatever the case, we just have to remember that even though things didn’t go according to ‘our’ plans, they go according to Allah’s Plan- and He is the Most Wise and Compassionate.

Remember....

" Verily, when Allah withholds, He actually gives, because He did not withhold on account of miserliness or stinginess, but rather He looked at the benefit of the servant. 

So the fact that He withheld is actually His choice for the servant and His excellent decision.” 

I hope things get better for you, dear sister. You can always write back to us. Lots of hugs !!

 The little aunties