He Got Engaged.

>> Sunday, February 27, 2011


You see I’m in a little situation and I think I may need some help. This is the first time I have ever openly discussed this with anyone so I will try to make it as simple as possible.

I know I am only 18 years old but I have already started thinking about marriage (my sister got married at 19 so I think it’s about time for me) . I have this very nice friend of mine who teaches me the quran and I really love her from the bottom of my heart(if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be a hiijabi today). Anyways, so my Qur'an teacher has this brother...and my Qur'an teacher told me about him. She also hinted a bit about marriage...She talked a lot about him, and definitely made it clear that he was looking for a wife.

Well, to be honest with you, after hearing all about him,  I kind of fell in love with him.. without even knowing him! I fell in love with him because I loved my Qur'an teacher so much. I didn’t see him or his family for a long time while I was in Jordan but 2 weeks before we were coming back home, his mom invited us over for dinner at their house. When I was there I learned that he just got engaged and that they are planning his wedding soon. I was CRUSHED when I heard this ...

When I came back home everything seemed fine, but a couple days ago I was on facebook and I came across his name and I just remembered all the feelings I got when I used to love him and I think I still do. But the thing is that he is engaged and I would never ever want anything bad to happen to his engagement. I have no idea how I should move on because honestly I was almost sure that we were getting married.

I feel like this entire situation seems silly, I mean how can I fall in love with someone I have never met?! (in a way I kind of did because S always talks about him! I mean always)But I really am hurt that he never became my fiancée. He was honestly like my dream guy. Please help me.

Sincerely,
Confused n HeartBroken.


Dear Confused n HeartBroken,

My darling sister!! First of all, can I offer you a big ole’ hug?  

I read your e-mail and I felt so terrible for you.  I can completely understand how ‘you could fall in love with a person’ you didn’t meet because of all the great things you heard about him and because he was your Qur’an teacher’s brother. Heck, if my Qur’an teacher had a bro, I probably would dream about marrying him, myself. So yes, I really don’t think you are acting silly at all.  

In fact, I actually almost had something similar happen. I met this wonderful woman once. Her name was Mariam. She was religious, sweet, and from the very first moment, she made me laugh and put me at ease (which is not something that happens easily for me when I am talking in ‘arabic’- I prefer talking in English).  I clicked with her. Then, she described her brother who was also ‘religious’ and smart and funny and who memorized the Qur’an……she was hinting a bit about marriage.  And yeah…I was thinking,  “HELL YEAH”:P.

But you know what?

I realized later that her brother was NOT Mariam as a man. He was a different person. I didn’t end up meeting him, and he might have been a wonderful person, but I learned the lesson. I had only to look at my own brother. He’s totally totally different from me. Granted, he’s 14 and I’m 23, but despite having the same parents and many of the same qualities, we are different people.

I also learned that just because he was a wonderful person, didn’t mean that he was ‘Mr. Right’ for me.

And that’s what you have to come to terms with. You have to realize that you were never actually in love with her brother. You were in love with an idea that took the shape of her brother. 

It was all an ‘ideal’ image that your mind drew based on the limited information you were given by the well- meaning people around you. (Your Qur’an teacher, who maybe really did think you were going to marry him).

It’s actually probably BECAUSE you didn’t meet him, that you were so in love. Trust me. Almost every time a suitor came to me (I’ve had like 3 or 4), I would start to slowly get excited’/ ‘daydream’ about the person…and I would, in my mind, build a future with this person using the  information I had (which was almost always ONLY GOOD StUff).

It was only when I met them and actually talked with them (with a wali present) that I was confronted with the fact that they were real people. People  with faults, just like me.

People with their own baggage. People with annoying habits. People with demands. Things they wanted. Things they didn’t want.

And even though, they were good people, we honestly would have ‘driven each other nuts’ if we had gotten together. 

So, right now, he seems like the man of your dreams, only because that is exactly what he is.  A dream.

All this time, when you were you thinking about 'him', you were actually thinking about 'who you want him to be'- and who you actually want. Not ‘who he actually’ is.

Since you actually never talked to him, you never had a chance to discover his all too ‘humanness’ or the qualities that might have ‘turned you away from him’.

Does this sound really abstract to you? Let me put it in simple terms.

You were so in love because he was exactly what you wanted! Using the info you were given, you ‘shaped’ him in your mind, you get me?

Ok, you’re not convinced.
Let’s try a different way.

Ask yourself-

·         What did you actually love about him? Was it ‘his qualities’ or actually….
·         What he could have offered you?

 Were you thinking of what you would be with him? Were you thinking “we will build the perfect Muslim home, he’ll teach me Qur’an, etc. etc.”Were you thinking of who YOU will be with him?

If you really were thinking of what you would do ‘together’ and the ‘person you would become’, and that’s what really was the driving force behind wanting to marry him, realize that marriage doesn’t actually transform you into who you want to be. It actually exposes who you already are. All your quirks, and also *bad habits* emerge.  It’s really hard work, you know?

If on the other hand, it was the qualities he had (like how he treats his mother/ etc.), don’t worry, my sister!!  You will find those qualities again in a different person. A better person. Someone meant only for you. Someone who's dream girl is you...

Trust in Allah. Trust that He would never let you down. Since you are looking for a halal relationship, marriage, you will inshaAllah find Him on your side.

Turn to Him. Make dua. Tell him “O, Allah, you know how much I wanted to marry him. Please bless me with someone better, who you love and will love me” or something like that. Open up to Allah.

And give yourself time. You can’t be expected to get over all your feelings at once…..you spent a long time, envisioning a future with him. It will definitely take time to get over him…

But you should, however, block/ delete him on facebook so that you can’t see him/ don’t open the wounds all over again..

Oh and you know, your Qur’an teacher maybe also really wanted you to marry her bro…..She may really have been convinced that you guys would be together, but SubhanAllah, Allah has the perfect plan for everyone. Maybe her bro had been planning the whole time to marry that woman. Maybe things happened suddenly. Whatever the case, we just have to remember that even though things didn’t go according to ‘our’ plans, they go according to Allah’s Plan- and He is the Most Wise and Compassionate.
Remember....

" Verily, when Allah withholds, He actually gives, because He did not withhold on account of miserliness or stinginess, but rather He looked at the benefit of the servant. 
So the fact that He withheld is actually His choice for the servant and His excellent decision.” 


I hope things get better for you, dear sister. You can always write back to us. Lots of hugs !!

 The little aunties

17 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Anonymous,  February 27, 2011 at 10:40 AM  

Ya'll are epic advice givers. Did anyone ever tell you that?
*MASHA ALLAH*

M4D February 27, 2011 at 7:20 PM  

SubhanAllah this was beautiful. I wish you guys were my sisters...I know your my sisters in Islam, but it would be great to be your BIRTH SISTER. I would go to you for advice on EVERYTHING. Do you have an extra room in Saudi Arabia? If not I have a pull out mattress in my bedroom in Toronto--your more than welcome to come over :)

Mashallah tabarakallah, I love you aunties for the sake of Allah. And to the sister who sent in the question, I think I know how you feel, but inshaAllah Allah will bring a better suitor your way! AMEEN!

TheOneWhoNeedsReminders February 27, 2011 at 10:02 PM  

M4D, Trust me with every exchange of email that i have with one of the sisters. The more I feel like ''MAN I should have been the ''Real'' sisters with this girl!''
P.s. I can arrange for an extra bed in Dubai too hehe

To our beloved little-bit-heartbroken sister! Last night we had a class and our teacher was emphasizing on the word ''Wakeel'' which is one of Allah's names. Wakeel is somebody you put your trust in and well it also means a lawyer in urdu.

She then gave us an example, she was asking why we hire the best lawyer or an attorney for our case when we are in trouble? we replied so that we don't have to worry about our case once we have our lawyer then she remarked ''We stop worrying about our case when we have a 'human being' as our wakeel while we have Allah tala ALL THE TIME as our wakeel, then how can we worry about whats going to or not going to happen in our life?''

Basically, we do whatever is within our means but once we are done with our side of job, we put our Trust in Al-wakeel and expect that from now on whatever the result may be, it would be perfect for us because our Lord is the the most perfect with the perfect attributes. :D got me? I hope so *hugs*

Little Auntie February 28, 2011 at 3:16 AM  

Girls, you guys are really WAY too sweeeeeet! I mean double chocolate chip fudgey brownies sweet, if you get me.

M4D, haha, you're welcome to visit us :P But I must warn you. Growing up, my big sister used to say "I have 3 mommies" (as- the twinkie aunts are like moms)...it can get annoying! ASk my little bro (who is probably the most eager person to get us married and outta the house, LOL).

Shiru *wub*Do you know that I was, wallahi, just thinking about that name of Allah? Al Wakeel? I was thinking how not many of us know it...Jazakillah for sharing that amazing comment :)

x@hu February 28, 2011 at 10:24 AM  

Ok, third in line here, but can I get a piece of you guys too? Either one of you, feel free to get in a box and ship yourselves to Colombo, I'll be waiting on the doorstep! :P

Seriously, you guys give it right as it is, Masha Allah! And to the sister in the letter, I know exactly how you're feeling honey!

My case is a lil bit different coz it was my best friend who was going on an on about this guy friend of her's who she thought would be perfect for me. She spun so many yarns that as the Little Auntie said, I was all "hell yeah" and halfway married to him in my fantasies! :P

Lol, that's usually what happens when somebody tells you all the good qualities about someone, and before you even meet him, you build this image of him in your mind, combining the tidbits of what you hear about him and your own ideals of your perfect man.

I was half convinced he was "The One" and when I heard he was bride-hunting and had a few potential candidates lined up, I was all agonized that he was going to choose one of them and get married before I'd even laid eyes on him!

But you know what? That guy is pretty perfect in your imagination, but once you get to know the real person, you realize that he is so far different from what you thought he would be.

In my case, the guy was actually very good husband material (hence my overblown fantasies :P). Masha Allah religious, good income, good character and all that. But I found out that actually having a conversation with him was a strain on my nerves! We so didn't match and I was confronted with the fact that he was his own person, with qualities that I didn't prefer and not the man in my mind, who was very much my ideal.

So dear sister, what I want to say is that it happens to all of us, at some time or other, but what you have to remember is to be just a little cautious when you let your imagination run away. Don't stake your hopes too high. Because otherwise, it gets a bit hard to accept when Allah subhaanahu wa ta'aala decides something else for us.

If things don't go according to our plan, then it means that its going according to Allah's plan and Allah azza wa jall is the best of planners! So cheer up sis, I'm convinced that Allah subhaanahu wa ta'aala is sending me my dream guy any day now, so place your trust in Him and see, your's will arrive too before you know it! *hugs* :D

p.s. Um.... Little Auntie? I have no idea what this disqus is! All I know is I get a bunch of mails from it! :S Sadly, me can't help you there! :P

Little Auntie February 28, 2011 at 11:11 AM  

Xahu, thank you so much for sharing your experience with us.

That guy is pretty perfect in your imagination, but once you get to know the real person, you realize that he is so far different from what you thought he would be.
This is exactly what I was trying to say.

May Allah grant you the best person for your deen, dunya and akirah, sis Xahu. And I agree about not letting our imagination run too high. As A'aid Al Qarni said (the author of "Don't Be Sad"), "before marriage, you think that you are going to marry people like Omar bin Al Khattab or Abu Bakr As Siddique. Once you get married, you get surprised with the fact that who you married is someone just like your own brothers, fathers, etc. Real people,"....

=)

Thank you so much for trying to help us, sis about disqus! I had another sis send me an e-mail about it, hehe. Think of it as a different way for comments to appear ;)

athoofa February 28, 2011 at 11:37 AM  

MashaAllah!!

Beautiful post and amazing advice!! You girls are the best mashaAllah. May Allah Reward you all. Really needed to read this hehe.

Anonymous,  March 2, 2011 at 8:07 AM  

I love this blog with all my heart mashaaAllah...Allah surely has someone out there for each of us...and He is ever kind and loving to us that He made that special partner just for us and will surely gather us inshaaAllah...may He always light our way and bless us all with righteous husbands and beautiful families Ameen :)

I hope this helps :)<3

Attention single Muslimahs! I just learned about Practimate's latest training available for free! It's called "How to Get Laser-Clarity on What You Could Offer to Your (future) Husband in Clear and Tangible Terms." It comes with other trainings and a private members area, masha'Allah.

You should get the training {www.implementationmastery.com} now!

lots of love amazing sister
w jazakum Allah kol khier <3

Cartoon Characters March 2, 2011 at 10:30 PM  

wow. wow. I have never heard such wisdom from someone so young! I admire you! Amazing advice. And so true! And this is coming from someone twice your age. I wish I was more like you when I was your age. :)

Hamid March 3, 2011 at 9:39 PM  

When people whom you are interested in, walk away from you, do not stop them, let them go away.Your destiny is never tied to someone who leaves you and it dosen't mean they are bad people. It just means that their part in your life story is over and know that marriage is based upon knowledge and not looks, practice not preaching, forgiveness not anger, noble love not lust and upon compassion not revenge. ~Hamid

Little Auntie March 4, 2011 at 3:09 AM  

Lady of the Ozarks, that's so kind of you! Cartoon Characters- you know, like I always say, it's easier giving advice than actually living it! Thanks for visiting us here :D


Anon, I signed up for that 'course' too, hehe! Btw, Baba Ali will be doing a live webinar on marriage soon, on March 13, insahAlah. Look for that, too!

Hamid, that is a very profound comment. Wow, Ma'sahAllah. Jazak Allah for sharing. Very deep.

Tania March 5, 2011 at 9:09 AM  

well said Hamid :)agree wid u

when sumone go away from ur life who's just like ur dream prince/princess...its really hurtsssss..u hv to deal wid this pain though...
(if u think this pain is one of the exam of ur life which decreases ur Sin,known as Kaffara...i think it'll give u little relieve InshaAllah)

but i can assure u ...InshaAllah one day u'll get a loveable n sooo caring husband tht u'll laugh at urself(which i do:P) tht wht u did away back for sumone ;)

LavendarClouds,  March 6, 2011 at 3:06 PM  

I LOVE this :)

Anonymous,  March 25, 2011 at 9:51 PM  

Have read the whole article n all the comments-awesome! MashaAllah.. U little aunts r nice.. Love you all for the sake of Allah!

;)

Sabziii,  April 3, 2011 at 4:44 AM  

I had a similar experience. Dad would talk on and on to mom about a guy he would meet at masjid. He didn't know that I would be listening while doing my work and then I seriously dont know what happened. I was going through some suitor crisis at that time. I was always upset at the 'choices' given to me cz nothing seemed to be working right. And when I heard so much about him... who I used to call "boy o' dream". Good family, religious, good enducation, good income etc. I thought it would work out with him definitely. Suddenly things went beyond my control... I met his mom and sister... they loved me... and I was perfectly sure it would happen. And then... I suddenly find out he got engaged to my friend! You have no idea... or perhaps you do... about my situation. I didn't want anything to happen to my friends engagement but now I don't feel the same love for her. Although I TRY real hard.. and do succeed at treating her the same as I always did... but I always see that I am looking for her faults and then fantasizing him (o'dream) to regret! Which of course.. makes me more sad.. because I feel that I am not acting like an ideal Muslimah which sucks! I work day and night to correct myself... its hard. I hope you all pray for me. This answer was really helpful for me. Thank you sister... may Allah reward you for it in this World and Hereafter... inshallah!

Little Auntie April 3, 2011 at 12:03 PM  

^awww, Sabzii. I hope things get better for you. It must be hard. But just think, there's someone out there....another person, who is your Mr.Right. Hugs!!

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
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