He loves me...He loves me not....?

>> Monday, June 6, 2011



I've recently come back to Islam and I'm very much confused. I've spent the last four years in a relationship with a guy. I've talked to him about making this relationship right and he said he would marry me, but in a year, inshaAllah because we have some problems right now. The problem is that a part of me is not so sure right now that I should marry him because during our time together we had two serious fights when I found out he was talking to another girl behind my back. I was very shocked and he said he would never do it again. But then it happened one more time. I told him then that I was done and that I could not be with a cheater. We parted ways but then he begged for my forgiveness. He told me that he loved me only and that he didn't even know why he was talking to the other girls. He's also introduced me to his family before, so I know that he was serious about me. His family are all very sweet and like me. A part of me desparaetly wants to believe that we are meant to be together, but another part isn't really sure what to do.
Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

I know I took foreveeeeeeeeeeer to respond,  but I just didn’t know where to start. This is going to be one jumbled up e-mail. Sorry about that! 

Sweetie, it sounds like you're really confused.  Our feelings can sometimes cloud our judgment and make things seem even more confusing. 


I can't tell you if he is the one for you, but something tells me, that deep down inside, you might already know the answer?

Is he the one for you?

If you were to answer that question- really fast- you know, react to the question, what would you say? I don't want you to justify his behavior. I want you to tell me what you may already know. I mean, the truth is, you've been with him for 4 years! Enough time to get a degree from university. 


 You know him better than I do, better than his family does, and better probably than he knows himself…..

Is he?

If he is, well, you need to keep in mind that dating is haram in Islam.  So, if you believe that he is the one for you, whether or not he has told your parents or his parents about it, you still can’t do anything….no touching hands…no calling him..no talking to him  (without a wali)... ….nothing....until he says those *magical words*: “I do/ I accept”. (Yes, the marriage nikah words.) I know you said that won’t be until a year inshaAllah, but until then, Islamically he is considered a ‘stranger’ to you.

Hey, think of it as 'really giving him a chance to see if he can stay committed to you-- see it a real real fresh start, one based on Allah's blessings, inshaAllah, because there won't be any 

haram!

Think about it. You’re that special! Only someone who is serious about you and serious about starting a future with you –-- only that kind of person- can even daydream about  calling you up in the middle of the night…hanging out with you....holding your hands...

---
On the other hand, if you’re thinking, “I’m really not sure if he is the one for me/ I don’t know why I gave him a second chance…."

I’ll tell you right now…..There's this saying that goes- 


“I won't let someone be my number 1 who makes me his number 2”. 

What do you think you are in his priority list? ( I really am asking....). I mean, of course his and your and all of our 'number 1' should be Allah, the prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa saalm, our parents....but after that, where are you?


 I want you to realize that four years isn’t forever. Yes, it’s a long time, but it isn’t forever. Marriage is going to be forever.  If you have one doubt about this relationship, it might be better to just 'stop it'. Why build your future on a risk of whether or not he will stay committed? That is the most basic aspect to a relationship, isn't it? 


I mean, just ask yourself a major question here: can I trust him 100% not to cheat on me again? What if it happens again?  What would happen to me? Will I be able to emotionally deal with that? What if ....what if...he doesn't change? 
Can you trust him? Will you always check his cellphone and his msn chats, etc.?                                                                      
    
You also need to keep in mind that  ‘love’ isn’t the ‘be all and end all’ of everything. 

A young man might claim that he loves a woman but hits her/or beats her. Would it really matter if he  "felt feelings for her" or loved her, then?

The question was never whether this man loved you or not.  It wasn't even whether you 
loved him or not.   The question was whether he would treat you right...whether he would treat you like he loved you.


You see, I hate to break this to you (I really do), but when you accept ‘his excuse’ about ‘loving’ you- you are saying that ‘you will accept any of his behavior as long as he loves you’. GIRL. You are worth more than that. You deserve more than that. The condition shouldn't be about his ‘love’ for you. You are loveable! Who wouldn't love you?! :D It should be about his behavior, because that’s what you’re going to be dealing with day in and day out. He should be 'showing you that he loves you'...not just telling you. 

The truth is this....
Sometimes (and this is what is supposed to happen Islamically)- two people marry each other, not yet completely in love. But these two people treat each other right- in a  courteous, respectful, sweet manner and their loves grows…..until they are in love with each other.

On the other hand, if you guys are crazy in love together, but you don’t treat each other right, that love will fade away….

So the issue isn’t about love. It’s about behavior. There's a big difference. 

In other words- he's supposed to be the guy that you go and cry to. He's not supposed to be 'why' you're crying!


  So sister, I think you need to seriously evaluate this relationship. You need to think about the marriage questions. If you get into a fight, how will he treat you? What does he think a wife is supposed to do? What kind of behavior does he think is accepted/ expected from him? What is a relationship to him? 

You get me?

 What does marriage mean to him? What does it mean to YOU? What kind of a father will he be? 

You need to also ask yourself this very tough question. When you think about keeping your relationship, are you thinking about 'him', or are you thinking about 'who you want him to be'? 

You can't think about 'who you want him to be' because that's not who he is. You have to think about 'him'. Take him as he is right now. Is the one you want 
to marry?
                        
More importantly, I think you really need to ask yourself (and you can ask him but with a wali present) about his 'values'? I mean if you want to have a good future together, that's what you need to know. Forget about the 'sweet memories/your shared history'- at this point in time, do you have a common vision? Do you share the same goal? Do you believe in the same things? You said you've come back to Islam, ma'shaAllah, and that's wonderful to hear.


Has he?
What if you want your daughter to wear hijab and he doesn't? What if he doesn't pray his 5 prayers? What if you don't want music clips in your house and he does? Even if you 'fell in love with' him before, if you don't agree on the role of religion in your life, you guys might drive each other crazy...(Besides, you really should marry someone who does want to be religious). .You really need to address these issues when you meet him with your wali,inshaAllah.  


One thing you can try is praying istikharah, too, inshaAllah. Remember, marriage is half of one's deen. 


Well sister, these are my thoughts on the issue. Hey, I told you it would be jumbled up. inshaAllah the other sisters can help, too :) And maybe you can ask someone more knowledgeable, too, inshaAllah :)


Before I go, though, I want to remind my sisters here that relationships outside of marriage are not permissible and  there is no way that Allah will bless a relationship that goes against His Laws. The door to repentance is open now, though...:)  May Allah guide us :D






Lots of love,


P.S. Animated Icons from: Here :)

8 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Anonymous,  June 6, 2011 at 4:54 AM  

Assalam alykum. firstly I want to comfort the anonymous sister. I can imagine how much she suffered of him and confused to headache.

It will be hard but try to think apart from your emotion. Even if a girl and boy met as thought it was dramatic destiny, Their parents like their relationship, felt really close to each other and everything was first time to each other(fall in love, first kiss etc)...

Those were just useless and painful when he quit to be respect the girl and never try to be responsible. Even he said bad stuff of her to his friends after breaking up. That was it.
Thats what happened to me and many girls in my country. I hope you to cherish yourself and stay away from a person who lies to you.
As auntie said,it will be good to engage with islamically lawful relationship. I am sorry if i said anything rude due to my short in knowledge:(
Mat Allah bless you and protect from all evils.

Anonymous,  June 6, 2011 at 5:13 PM  

Salam sisters..
an uztaz once told me, "If that guy is pious and he loves you for Allah sake, he would want to marry you ASAP! :). He will never dare to come close to you, try to talk to you, etc because he has no right over you"

...if you go to diamond store, what do you see??..these diamonds are stored inside the glass-protective case...not to forget with the surveillance camera on 24/7..in some places they even hire security guards with guns to just stand outside the store...and not everyone dare to come in because they know the price of the diamonds is expensive..and they cudn't afford it..Sister (in case no one tell you this) you are more valuable than pearls and diamonds....so before you let any guy came into your life, he must first get through the security guards, surveillance camera, have the money to actually buy the diamonds (what i meant is here is the process of getting married with you :D )

May Allah make our hearts close to Him

your sister muffin mel...

controlled chaos June 6, 2011 at 6:27 PM  

I feel like I had a lot of friends go through some form of that or another when they were younger or in case of some are still going through it. It's a very difficult experience when you're going through it. But when they look back at it they're glad things worked out the way they did.

I believe if emotions are clouding your judgement for something like this, that you need to step back,end all contact and just pray to God, and if its a path for you then it will open on its own. Cuz God will guide you toward what is best insh'Allah.

Anonymous,  October 20, 2011 at 7:43 PM  

Assalamualaikum sisters,

I am "anonymous" - the one who sent the email to Dear Little Auntie. First and foremost I want to thank Auntie for keeping my anonymity :) Even though this email was sent to Auntie a long while ago (I think it was early this year or last year?), I just feel like updating what has happened after this email.

So I have just discovered a few weeks ago that he has yet again cheated on me. This time it was really the creme-de-la-creme, he actually dared to go out in public with a girl. I found out from a friend who came up to him and asked where I was and he only told her not tell me. I was, expectedly devastated by all this and the fact that I cannot believe he has done it to me again. And to think that so far he has shown me he loves me but there was still that feeling thaat something wasn't right - I should have trusted my guts. when I confronted him, he insisted to me that she was "just a friend" - but I know better.

It is still shocking to me, the reason I still stayed with him (even after my email here), was because he promised that we will get married and he even gave me hope here and there (for example talking about our future so certainly), that I really was confident he wanted it the same way I wanted it. To be honest I couldn't wait for us to be together that would finally be Islamically acceptable.

Did I mention he is actually not a muslim? He even talked about converting and so on in the past, so I never thought it would be an issue. Even his siblings have converted to Islam, and we live in a community/ country with very strong Islamic beliefs. Many non-muslims in our country convert. So it was never an issue.

So when I confronted him on the fact that he went out with someone, he suddenly told me the reason was because, "Honestly, I don't see a future with you." It really shocked me. Then he told me he doesn't EVER want to convert so it is pointless for the relationship to carry on. So going out with the girl was the way to bring this topic? If he really had doubts, he shouldn't have led me on all these years, making me think otherwise. He should have came to me, have an honest conversation, NOT hurting me that way.

To make it short, we are not together anymore. Recently he greeted me on a really special occasion of mine (I cannot disclose for fear of risking my anonymity), and at the end of the message, he said "I love you". I don't know what to think of him anymore. He is one confused man and I am thankful to Allah for showing me his true colours. During the breakup, he even told me he didn't wanna work it out anymore, he said he was not inspired to convert because he accused me of not being a good muslim, in his own words with a sarcastic tone, "Do you even pray 5 times a day?". I know I am not a perfect muslim, but it doesn't mean he can insult me so much that I blamed myself for his actions after that.

You were right Auntie, I should've listened to my heart, and that would've spared me this last heartache. But I'll take this opportunity to pray and askfor strength from God and insyaAllah, I will emerge a stronger woman from all this. I am only in my early 20s, there is so much more life to live. And next time, if a man loves me and he is not a muslim, he should love my God too, not use the excuse of me not being a good muslim to cover up his real bad behaviour.

Little Auntie October 21, 2011 at 12:51 AM  

Dearest Anonymous,
I'm sorry that things ended up this way, but you are very right that you can emerge from this a stronger woman. Yes, sweetie, now is the time to ask for strength from Allah and to take this time to come closer to Him and appreciate more the wisdom and LOVE He has for you and the reason that He set these rules for us. b

I do want to say that guy's behavior was completely disrespectful to you and to say that 'he would be with someone else because he didn't see a future with you' is really not the right way to bring up the topic.

Alahmdillah, today is a NEW DAY and a new start.

Anonymous,  October 23, 2011 at 3:39 AM  

Yes, he was definitely disrespectful to me. I am still in shock because I could never understand why someone would hurt me so much when I have never even came close to even hurting them. Alhamdulillah..removing him from my life shows Allah still loves me no matter how much i have sinned :'(

-EA-,  May 16, 2012 at 9:54 PM  

Reading this has put me into tears. Now I'm struggling to let him go. Allahu, give me the strength

Umm Teem January 23, 2013 at 6:44 PM  

Assalamu'alaykum~!!

SubhanAllah..

A great 'head-knock-knock' for me here..

There shouldn't be any relationships before marriage !
And dear self, you are more WORTHY than anything, than the 'cheap' love (Love with non-mahram boys outside marriage :P )

Shouldn't trust men saying them loving you, when they don't even dream of marrying you. They are not serious, just playing around with us. They would have gushed, rushed to marry us if they are serious and such a God-fearing man.. Allahul musta'an :/

May Allah save us all from the evils! Amin :D

Love all of you fillah :D

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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