He loves me...He loves me not....?

I've recently come back to Islam and I'm very much confused. I've spent the last four years in a relationship with a guy. I've talked to him about making this relationship right and he said he would marry me, but in a year, inshaAllah because we have some problems right now. The problem is that a part of me is not so sure right now that I should marry him because during our time together we had two serious fights when I found out he was talking to another girl behind my back. I was very shocked and he said he would never do it again. But then it happened one more time. I told him then that I was done and that I could not be with a cheater. We parted ways but then he begged for my forgiveness. He told me that he loved me only and that he didn't even know why he was talking to the other girls. He's also introduced me to his family before, so I know that he was serious about me. His family are all very sweet and like me. A part of me desparaetly wants to believe that we are meant to be together, but another part isn't really sure what to do.
Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

I know I took foreveeeeeeeeeeer to respond,  but I just didn’t know where to start. This is going to be one jumbled up e-mail. Sorry about that! 

Sweetie, it sounds like you're really confused.  Our feelings can sometimes cloud our judgment and make things seem even more confusing. 


I can't tell you if he is the one for you, but something tells me, that deep down inside, you might already know the answer?

Is he the one for you?

If you were to answer that question- really fast- you know, react to the question, what would you say? I don't want you to justify his behavior. I want you to tell me what you may already know. I mean, the truth is, you've been with him for 4 years! Enough time to get a degree from university. 


 You know him better than I do, better than his family does, and better probably than he knows himself…..

Is he?

If he is, well, you need to keep in mind that dating is haram in Islam.  So, if you believe that he is the one for you, whether or not he has told your parents or his parents about it, you still can’t do anything….no touching hands…no calling him..no talking to him  (without a wali)... ….nothing....until he says those *magical words*: “I do/ I accept”. (Yes, the marriage nikah words.) I know you said that won’t be until a year inshaAllah, but until then, Islamically he is considered a ‘stranger’ to you.

Hey, think of it as 'really giving him a chance to see if he can stay committed to you-- see it a real real fresh start, one based on Allah's blessings, inshaAllah, because there won't be any 
haram!

Think about it. You’re that special! Only someone who is serious about you and serious about starting a future with you –-- only that kind of person- can even daydream about  calling you up in the middle of the night…hanging out with you....holding your hands...

---

On the other hand, if you’re thinking, “I’m really not sure if he is the one for me/ I don’t know why I gave him a second chance…."

I’ll tell you right now…..There's this saying that goes- 

“I won't let someone be my number 1 who makes me his number 2”. 

What do you think you are in his priority list? ( I really am asking....). I mean, of course his and your and all of our 'number 1' should be Allah, the prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa saalm, our parents....but after that, where are you?


 I want you to realize that four years isn’t forever. Yes, it’s a long time, but it isn’t forever. Marriage is going to be forever.  If you have one doubt about this relationship, it might be better to just 'stop it'. Why build your future on a risk of whether or not he will stay committed? That is the most basic aspect to a relationship, isn't it? 


I mean, just ask yourself a major question here: can I trust him 100% not to cheat on me again? What if it happens again?  What would happen to me? Will I be able to emotionally deal with that? What if ....what if...he doesn't change? 

Can you trust him? Will you always check his cellphone and his msn chats, etc.?                                                                      
    
You also need to keep in mind that  ‘love’ isn’t the ‘be all and end all’ of everything. 

A young man might claim that he loves a woman but hits her/or beats her. Would it really matter if he  "felt feelings for her" or loved her, then?

The question was never whether this man loved you or not.  It wasn't even whether you 
loved him or not.   The question was whether he would treat you right...whether he would treat you like he loved you.

You see, I hate to break this to you (I really do), but when you accept ‘his excuse’ about ‘loving’ you- you are saying that ‘you will accept any of his behavior as long as he loves you’. GIRL. You are worth more than that. You deserve more than that. The condition shouldn't be about his ‘love’ for you. You are loveable! Who wouldn't love you?! :D It should be about his behavior, because that’s what you’re going to be dealing with day in and day out. He should be 'showing you that he loves you'...not just telling you. 

The truth is this....

Sometimes (and this is what is supposed to happen Islamically)- two people marry each other, not yet completely in love. But these two people treat each other right- in a  courteous, respectful, sweet manner and their loves grows…..until they are in love with each other.

On the other hand, if you guys are crazy in love together, but you don’t treat each other right, that love will fade away….

So the issue isn’t about love. It’s about behavior. There's a big difference. 

In other words- he's supposed to be the guy that you go and cry to. He's not supposed to be 'why' you're crying!

  So sister, I think you need to seriously evaluate this relationship. You need to think about the marriage questions. If you get into a fight, how will he treat you? What does he think a wife is supposed to do? What kind of behavior does he think is accepted/ expected from him? What is a relationship to him? 

You get me?

 What does marriage mean to him? What does it mean to YOU? What kind of a father will he be? 

You need to also ask yourself this very tough question. When you think about keeping your relationship, are you thinking about 'him', or are you thinking about 'who you want him to be'? 

You can't think about 'who you want him to be' because that's not who he is. You have to think about 'him'. Take him as he is right now. Is the one you want 
to marry?

                        
More importantly, I think you really need to ask yourself (and you can ask him but with a wali present) about his 'values'? I mean if you want to have a good future together, that's what you need to know. Forget about the 'sweet memories/your shared history'- at this point in time, do you have a common vision? Do you share the same goal? Do you believe in the same things? You said you've come back to Islam, ma'shaAllah, and that's wonderful to hear.


Has he?
What if you want your daughter to wear hijab and he doesn't? What if he doesn't pray his 5 prayers? What if you don't want music clips in your house and he does? Even if you 'fell in love with' him before, if you don't agree on the role of religion in your life, you guys might drive each other crazy...(Besides, you really should marry someone who does want to be religious). .You really need to address these issues when you meet him with your wali,inshaAllah.  


One thing you can try is praying istikharah, too, inshaAllah. Remember, marriage is half of one's deen. 


Well sister, these are my thoughts on the issue. Hey, I told you it would be jumbled up. inshaAllah the other sisters can help, too :) And maybe you can ask someone more knowledgeable, too, inshaAllah :)

Before I go, though, I want to remind my sisters here that relationships outside of marriage are not permissible and  there is no way that Allah will bless a relationship that goes against His Laws. The door to repentance is open now, though...:)  May Allah guide us :D






Lots of love,


P.S. Animated Icons from: Here :)