So 1,400 years ago....(Premarital sex really that bad?)

>> Tuesday, July 6, 2010

What would you say to someone that says that the rules of Islam were for 1400 years ago because now, due to technological advances, we CAN know who the father is as well use birth control so what's the harm in pre-marital sex( wow, I never type that word)?

Dear Kind Commentator,

You’ve posed a very interesting question! One that quite surprised me and made me realize just how out of the loop I am, hehe. Yes, I am getting old…(but hopefully, a little wiser :P),

But really let’s talk about this.

First and foremost- I worry when I see people thinking that the ‘rules’ for Islam were written ‘for’ 1,400 years ago.

You hear that a lot when it comes to ‘hijab’, ‘mixing,’, etc. and now apparently pre-marital sex.
I wonder, though, what that really means.

Who wrote the rules?

Wasn’t it Allah, Subhanoo Wa’ Tala?

Isn’t He the All-Knowing?

Allah knows

  • What has already passed
  • What is happening now
  • What will happen
  •  What would have happened if something that hadn’t happened had happened!

[For such is the state of the disbelievers], until, when death comes to one of them, he says, "My Lord, send me back (99) That I might do righteousness in that which I left behind." No! It is only a word he is saying; and behind them is a barrier until the Day they are resurrected. (Chapter 23)
See here how Allah knows that if He were to ‘give him another chance, the disbeliever would still not change.

Alright, so what’s my point?

Don’t you think He who has Infinite Knowledge would know if ‘His rules would not be applicable/things were to change’? Don’t you think He would have made it clear to us which rules were ‘for a certain time period’ only?

Instead, Allah Subhanoo Wa’ Tala clearly says:

“…This day I have perfected for you your religion and completed My favor upon you and have approved for you Islam as religion…(3:5)

You see, the rules were not written for 1,400 years ago. Their revelation was ‘completed’ 1,400 years ago…to stand the test of time.

They were decided by the One who knows us better than we know ourselves,

And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein (50:16)

and they were decided by the One who knows what’s best for us.

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not (2:216)

When we have true faith and realize that Allah is All-Knowledgeable, the Wisest, and Most Merciful we realize that whatever He has decreed, He has decreed for our own good. Whatever He has forbidden, He has forbidden out of His Own Goodness /Kindness, and to protect us from harm.

And therefore, we believe- and more importantly, we obey,

Without necessarily always understanding the reasons behind the command.
Is that the end of my answer? The best that I can do?

No, there’ still more, but I want to clarify that we do not always know the reasons behind something and we have to understand that. No matter how many centuries pass and what technological advances we achieve, WE are still ‘finite mortals’ incapable of seeing the future and what the future holds and the consequences of our decisions of today.

Okay, okay, little auntie, can you hurry up and get to the ‘harms’ of pre-marital sex?

1. Illnesses-

- Did you know that in the United States, alone, there are 15,300,000 new STD (sexually transmitted disease) cases each year?
• 3,000,000 teenagers acquire an STD each year
• Statistics taken from: Here

  • Take one moment and contemplate on that….3 million young people acquiring such a disease.
  • Maybe you haven’t read the ‘effects of these diseases’…let’s see:
  •    Death (in the case of HIV/AIDS)
  •        Infertility (in the case of Chlamydia, which can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), an infection of the uterus, ovaries, and/or fallopian tubes, which can cause infertility and ectopic (tubal) pregnancies later in life)
  •         Increased risk for some types of cancer (such as cervical cancer)
  •         Brain damage (in the case of Syphilis)
  •         Heart disease
  •      Birth defects (Pregnant women with STDs may miscarry or may pass on their STD to their baby. STD’s can also cause low birth weight and premature babies. Babies with infected mothers can have problems such as pneumonia, eye infections and brain damage)
  •    Pain, pain, pain
The biggest problem with sexually transmitted diseases is that often those who suffer from them, aren’t aware that they are ‘carrying these viruses’..…that means, if you’re engaging in pre-martial sex with someone, you can easily acquire the disease from them, because they may not even know they have it. 

2. Pregnancy
While it’s true that today we have ‘birth control methods’, pregnancies still do occur.
Research has shown that condoms have an annual ‘failure rate’ of 10-36% in preventing pregnancy.

Pregnancy is a big big thing. If raising kids is difficult even with marriage and with 2 partners, how much harder is it for a single parent? Even if we can now determine who the ‘father’, it does not mean that we can require the father to stand by the child through thick and thin. Yes, the courts can force the father to support the child financially, but fatherhood isn’t only ‘paying the bills’, you know. It’s being there--- and it is the institution of marriage that better guarantees (not necessarily ‘best gurantees/but better), both parents’ involvement in upbringing the child. Besides, if the child were to find out that say, a ‘DNA test was needed to identify who his/her father was, and that a court decision was needed ‘to force’ the father to support him/her could have a very negative effect on the child’s self-esteem.

According to Janet E. Smith, Associate Professor of Philosophy in the University of Dallas, says:
In the United States, the media and opinion makers have finally come to recognize that unwed pregnancy is a major source of social chaos in our culture. Every few weeks, some columnist in the newspaper or news journal writes an editorial bemoaning the problem of unwed parenthood. The evidence is overwhelming that children raised in households headed by a single parent are much more prone to sexual abuse, drug abuse, crime, and divorce, for instance. Their health is poorer; their academic achievement is poorer; their economic well-being is less than that of children who are raised in two-parent households. In every way, children raised in single parent households seem to have a few strikes against them as they forge their way through life.”

But there’s something else to consider about ‘pregnancies’. Because of our technological advances that we have today, pregnancies today can and often do lead to abortions.

Again, according to Janet E. Smith: One out of four to one out of three pregnancies in the United States are ended through abortion, the vast majority performed on unmarried women.

Do you see how much harm there is in premarital sex? The ‘loss of a healthy life’ for one’s self, and the loss of another one’s life (a child if you have an abortion)…Abortion is plain and simple- death of another human being.

There’s still more, though.

Engaging in pre-marital sex means that partners can have children from more than one person; imagine if one of the partners didn’t tell the other partner that s/he had another kid….if siblings do not know that they are siblings that could lead to disastrous endings. Sisters and brothers can ‘hook up’, not knowing that they are related…..

Far fetched?
But It can happen.
And it just did, on May 30, 2010.

Disgusting, Gross, and Utterly not acceptable….this stuff happens when sex is unchecked and allowed outside of a formal institution.

3.What else? Pre-marital sex, contrary to how the media depicts it, often leads to ‘broken hearts’…Forget about the ‘physical problems’, what about the emotional and psychological baggage it brings?

You see, no matter if we have ‘technological’ advances now and can tell ‘who the father’ is, ‘use contraceptives’, the reality of the matter is that, still, we human beings have not changed.

We are also still ‘wired’ the same way….

Remember Maslow’s Hierarchical Need theory? He listed a few things that we need- the 3 that are relevant to what we are talking about:

2. ‘safety needs: security of body, morality, the family
3. we need love, intimacy, and the feeling of belonging
4. we need ‘esteem’ (from ourselves and from those closest to us, confidence, and respect of others

Those who engage in sex without marriage often report feeling ‘violated/cheap/guilty’ the next day. That means they don’t feel:
1) ‘very loved. Sex outside of marriage often becomes a ‘goal’ to prove one has achieved something- a conquest- not a union of two persons
3) safe- they realize that at any moment the person may get up and leave them. They may have to deal with a pregnancy alone.

They feel like their dignity has been lost. This is especially true if the person engages in premarital sex because ‘their value’ has been linked to it. “I love you if you have sex with me’.

The person may feel that s/he is no longer a person with feelings and a soul—but an ‘object to be used’ for another person’ own enjoyment.

In fact, did you know that teenage girls who have sex are 2 times more likely to commit suicide than girls who practice abstinence?

That’s bad, right. Harmful? Yup. Real BAD!

So you see, even though we have technological advances today, sex outside of marriage still continues to lead to negative consequences. It is marriage that (better) leads to a true loving relationship- one that is based on mutual trust, respect of each other’s dignity and commitment. It is marriage that addresses the ‘emotional needs’ which Allah subhanoo Wa’ Tala has placed in us—
They (your wives) are your garment and you are a garment for them. (2:187)

And among his signs is this, that he created for you mates from amonng yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them. and he has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Qu`ran 30:21)

So stay strong, and remember

Prosperous are the believers (1)...who guard their privates, (5) except with their wives and what their right hand possess, and then they are not blamed. (6) Those who seek beyond that are transgressors. (7) (Prosperous are those) who preserve their trusts and pledges (8) and those who observe their prayers. (9) Those are the heirs (10) who will inherit Paradise; they shall live there for ever. (Chapter 23)

8 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Little Auntie,  July 6, 2010 at 8:00 AM  

^ the link bout the half brother and sister who got married isn't showing up, is it?

here it is:

oldie goldie July 6, 2010 at 4:17 PM  

mashaAllah little auntie, you explained this very well!

Anonymous,  July 7, 2010 at 11:01 AM  

Mashallah again! Long, but really insightful..

Also, another downside is that there is little trust between married partners when both of them have had their fill of "fun" and sexual activity before marriage... Such relations are more prone to breaking up.

Also, all the charm, happiness, excitement is taken away form a marriage when these things are long fulfilled by many others already!

Great post! :)

Rukhpar Mor July 7, 2010 at 7:55 PM  

MashAllah. I like that you did lots of research. I will share this on my twitter=) Yay for little auntie=)
Maybe you should contribute to my blog called 'Controversial Verses'...It's completely dead right now. Sigh* Okie...thanks for sharing this=)

Little Auntie July 15, 2010 at 8:46 AM  

Splendid Sky, heheh, it is a bit long! Once I start's hard to shut me up ;)

but seriously, I love what you said. It's so true! Thank you for sharing that!

Rukhpar Mor, hehe, yup, I had to do some research. Thanks for making me work a little :P that blog sounds really interesting! I shall have to check that out, nowish :P InshaAllah!

Anonymous,  July 15, 2010 at 2:37 PM  

is it possible for a married couple to get std's, like if someone has a disease, then marries, can't they still transfer the disease to their partner without knowing?

Little Auntie July 17, 2010 at 10:46 AM  

Yup, that's true anonymous! BUT one of the fundamental ways to reduce your risk of catching STDs is staying in a monogamous relationship :) Even '' says that as it's number 3 preventive way. But again, it's not only about the illnesses that premarital sex is not allowed :D

Thanks so much for commenting though- I should have pointed that out :D

r August 12, 2011 at 8:30 AM  

Masha Allah, I love this post!! I realize this was written last year, but I just found your blog and its so informational that I've decided to go through your earlier posts too, lol

Anyway, what really stands out to me was at the very beginning, where you said "Who wrote the rules?...Allah knows what has already passed, what is happening now, what will happen and what would have happened if something that hadnt happened had happened!" Allahu Akbar!!!

I absolutely love that statement... I actually stopped right there and said, - I simply MUST comment!- lol. That is a great way to respond to people who constantly present the argument that many Islamic rulings are outdated blah blah blah.

I think I just wrote several paragraphs saying something I could have said in a sentence, but I love to ramble lol. Masha Allah, Little Auntie (or all three of you). I love your blog <3

Post a Comment

Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

wibiya widget

  © Blogger template Snowy Winter by 2009

Back to TOP