There's this guy...

>> Saturday, July 3, 2010

There's this really good, religious guy in my class! Please don’t get the wrong idea and think we do anything bad. I swear,we don’t. We only talk and chat online sometimes. He’s really sweet and practicing, Ma’shaAllah. (I wear hijab, btw). Sometimes he even calls me and reminds me to pray the 5 prayers, asks me if I read Qur’an, etc. I’ve never met someone like him.
I’ve actually even told my mom about him. She knows I talk to him.

The other Muslim girls at the masjid have asked me about him but I told them that he’s just a friend.

Secretly, though, I think I like him more than a friend and think maybe he likes me too? I don’t know though. He always refers to me as ‘sister’. So he could just think of me as a friend. Either way, it just feels so good to have someone who understands me. He’s the only Muslim in my class and sometimes it feels like we’re the only Muslims in the whole school!
But sometimes, I wonder…. am I doing anything haram?

*Sister (sigh)*,

Dear my Little Sis,

First, I want to start off by saying it’s fantastic that you wear hijab. I know, in a world where everyone is obsessed with physical beauty and how we all look, it can be hard and daunting.

I also think it’s GREAT that you still asked someone for advice even though your mom knows all about you talking to this guy. Ma’shaAllah, that takes guts and to me, shows sincerity. You’re not looking for the ‘easy way out’- yes, your mom thinks its fine, but you’re still asking others. Ma’shaAllah. That also means you understand on the Day of Judgment, your mother is not going to be there to take your sins for you and vice versa.

Now, on to the maybe not so good news…let’s start off by asking you a few questions…
Is there a reason why you chose to tell your mother about him and not your father (or is your father not living with you)? Do you think maybe that you chose your mother because you knew your father would not be ‘as cool’ about him calling your mobile or you chatting with him online? That maybe he wouldn’t accept it?

And also, ask yourself, “Why do you think your friends at the Masjid asked you about him”. I know you said that you guys don’t do anything wrong and that you’re both Ma’shaallah practicing, but it seems like your friends were able to pick up on some AP chemistry :P

The thing is, many of us think that flirting is using a certain tone of voice, swinging our hips, etc. But actually flirting can be something much more subtle. Flirting can be even a kinda smile…

How, you ask? Hey, I’m not here to show you how to flirt! LOL.

Nah, seriously, when you smile at him and your eyes light up when he’s around, you are telling him that

a)he matters to you

b) he ain’t no ordinary brother of yours (let’s face it. “real brothers” are annoying pain in the necks most of the time). Yes, you may be calling him brother ‘verbally’, but non-verbally, you may be sending him messages that you don’t think of him as a brother.

You know, sometimes, it’s really easy to fall into the ‘we’re safe’ trap and think that Shaytan can’t mess with us ‘because we’re practicing’. The fact that you wear hijab can also add to that equation.

But the truth is that

  •  Shaytaan never tells someone to go and ‘commit zina’. He knows nobody would do that. He starts small, instead. Real small. Like with a laugh, a certain smile…
  •  Or a chat. When we unnecessarily chat with a person from the other gender, we slowly erase the barrier between us and the person, including even the hijab barrier.

The reality is that most ‘relationships’ don’t begin as relationships from day 1. They start off as ‘friendships’, grow into ‘it’s complicated’ and finally into ‘relationships’, and sometimes x-relationships.

And that’s why the easiest and most Islamic thing to do is not to have guy friends.

What’s my proof that it’s “the most Islamic thing to do”? Well, remember, Islamically we are actually told to lower our gazes when we are with the other gender. Don’t you think if we are not really supposed to be ‘looking at each other, we’re not really supposed to be hanging out with each other and being each other’s buddies?

- Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allâh is All-Aware of what they do. (An-Nur 24:30)

- The Messenger of Allaah (Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam) said: “O Ali, do not follow a glance with another, for you will be forgiven for the first, but not for the second.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2701; see Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7953)

Now let’s zoom in a little on one other hadith.

Abu Hurayrah said that the Prophet (May peace and blessings be upon him) said: ""The best of the men’s rows is the first and the worst is the last, and the best of the women’s rows is the last and the worst in the first." Narrated by Muslim under No. 664.

You see how the women who sit far away from the men in the masjid are the ones who get the most ajr? This is important to note because these people, these women and men, are in the holiest of places. They are in the masjid. We can most likely assume that their reason for going to the masjid is to pray (which would make them ‘practicing’, right). And yet, still, they are told not to be ‘close’ to each other- not to sit next to each other.

What about the very famous hadith that whenever a man and woman are left alone (non-mahrams), Shaitan in their third? You might not think that you are ever physically alone with him, but aren’t you in a way ‘alone’ with him when you’re chatting with him/when you’re on the phone?

Do you see where I am going with this?

I know, sis, that you said this guy reminds you to pray and read Qur’an. And I know how on the surface that could make you assume that there is good and ‘Islamic’ benefit from this relationship, but remember what the Qur’an said about wine? It said that there is a ‘little good in it, but its bad effects far outweigh its good’.

You said yourself that you like him more than a brother. You might just be setting yourself up for heartbreak. You might also be edging slowly to a really big sin…

Ask yourself- what is it that you really want from this relationship. You want him to just remind you to pray or do you want him to be something more than that… maybe…a boyfriend? Not just a friend that is a boy?

IF you really want to keep your friendship with him solely because he reminds you to be a ‘good Muslim’, don’t you think you could replace this relationship with a sister who could call you, ask you, hang out with you, swap hijabs with you, crack jokes with you, break her fast with you, etc? You could even start a sort of competition with some girls at the masjid- who will complete the Qur’an first/who will memorize the most/etc. You can also try and join a halaqah.

You might tell me that really aren’t any other Muslim girls your age in your community…Well, you could try joining an online only girl’s Muslim forum. There are plenty and the sisters will also help you and encourage you to be a better Muslim.

But, if the truth is that deep down inside you really want this relationship to continue because you actually really like him and ummmm want him as a ‘hubby’, then you should ask yourself- are you willing to get married RIGHT now? Is he? Would your situation let you get married? If so, what are you waiting for? Have your wali arrange a meeting with him and his parents.

If you’re not ready,

Why are you ‘cultivating’ this relationship?

You have to realize that a couple loses ‘baraka’ or Allah’s blessings when they choose to ignore His commands and have a relationship outside of marriage. No matter how much love you have, in the long run, it’ll be really hard to last without Allah’s blessings.

We all want His blessings, right?

The truth is, if you really want to help the guy be the best Muslim he can be and help yourself, decide what this relationship really is. Remember, also these verses:

25:27 and a Day on which the evildoer will bite his hands [in despair], exclaiming: “Oh, would that I had followed the path shown to me by the apostle!
25:28 Oh, woe is me! Would that I had not taken so-and-so for a friend!
25:29 Indeed, he led me astray from the remembrance [of God] after it had come unto me!” For [thus it is:] Satan is ever a betrayer of man

And, always, always remember that whatever you sacrifice for Allah, He will reward you with better. He promised us that. And He, for one, always keeps His Promises.

You can do it,
I believe in you.

22 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

qistina July 3, 2010 at 9:19 AM  

salam. dear little auntie, i think you're the one who's doing a really GREAT job here mashaAllah! i love every bit of the explanation and i thinks its really accurate and clear. do you mind if i share it on facebook?

Little Auntie July 4, 2010 at 1:57 AM  

Qistina, sweetie, Jazaki Allah for visiting me here <3 I really liked your blog, Ma'shaAllah!
Of course, you can share it on facebook. That's so kind of you :D

I actually tried to insert the 'share' widget but for some strange reason, it doesn't show up....

Anyways, once again, Jazaki Allah koli khair <3

Anonymous,  July 6, 2010 at 8:50 AM  

Salam, I just wanted to say what great advice...I wish this was here when a couple of close friends went through the same thing...and let me tell you it didn't end well...the shaytan has great influence on young and innocent hearts. Keep up the good work! Allah jazak el khair!

oldie goldie July 6, 2010 at 4:20 PM  

Little aunty, It's hard to believe your age lol, your advices are so wise. (who actually said older people are wiser than young :D, I just generalize things here :P )

Little Auntie July 7, 2010 at 7:01 AM  

Anon! Thank you for visiting me here. This is exactly the reason why I started this blog. I've seen a lot of people who unfortunately fell prey to Shaytaan's influence.I know a lot of young people think "that would never happen to me", "I wouldn't do that", "my case is different", "this guy wouldn't do that", etc. but in the end, we are dealing with shaytaan's influence, as well!

And you're right. It really doesn't end up pretty, at all :( may Allah help your friends and guide all the youth :D

Oldie goldie, awwwwwww, you make me blush :D Heheh at 'whoever said' ;) That's pretty wise, in itself :D

Anonymous,  July 7, 2010 at 11:11 AM  

Hmmm...this sets me thinking!
JazakAllah for the reminder :)
You presented the topic really well sis!

Little Auntie July 15, 2010 at 8:43 AM  

^ Like a great nasheed to my ears (hehe, instead of 'like music' to my ears). It means a lot that it would even make you think :D Jazaki Allah!

Anonymous,  July 21, 2010 at 9:46 AM  

Salaam Little Auntie. First off, you're incredible. You and that sister who posted this question. This needed to be addressed, and I'm glad you did.
Second, there's a problem I figured while going through this: how do you unfriend yourself? (Yes that isn't a word, but still, you get the idea).
Because sometimes, there just cant be marriage out there for you at the age of sixteen. If Allah wills, it'll happen, but it's not right now. So it's best to stay away from causing yourself and this said guy any further sin. (Allah forbid).
So. What to do?

Little Auntie July 25, 2010 at 8:33 AM  

anonymous! Sorry I took so long to respond. I was away and didn't have internet access till today :) Anyways, seriously, what a great question. I didn't think about that but definitely would be 'a problem'. I think the best thing to do is

1) Be honest! Tell him, 'I've been feeling kinda guilty lately and I started reading more about Islam- I really enjoyed your company and I learned lots and everything but I'm really sorry. I just no longer find this really appropriate. I don't want you or me regret 'this friendship' on the Day of Judgment, so I'm just going to have to say take care and I wish you all the best.

2) Don't make it personal. Let him know that you are now not taking any guys as friends and this is not something against him. Be sure to be clear about that.

3) If I was you, I would then 'unfriend' him on facebook/myspace/etc./ delete his phone number/ etc. He may 'find it offensive' but again, you would have first either told him or sent him an email stating clearly that this is not a personal attack but a step you are trying to take to come closer to Allah, Subhanoo Wa' Tala.

I'd love it if more sisters answered this question though- those who have more experience in this area ;)

Anonymous,  July 25, 2010 at 1:55 PM  

Mas'Allah! This helps a lot :)
May Allah reward you !

Anonymous,  July 26, 2010 at 5:55 AM  

@Little Auntie
JazakAllah. That was the answer I was looking for.

¤•˚Zαìήαβ˚•¤ August 19, 2010 at 11:06 AM  

Mash'Allah that was nicely said, may Allah reward you for the efforts you make here.

Hamid March 3, 2011 at 10:51 PM  


By grace of Allah you hit the arrows right on the hearts of youth and Your arrows (advices) are dipped in honey before setting them off.

sister:0,  May 21, 2011 at 4:53 AM  

is it correct if you have boyfriend then you are married you need to ask forgiveness to Allah so that he will grant you baraka?

Khadhija,  October 9, 2011 at 11:52 PM  

When I had to end it with my more-than-friend-guy-friend,I did it rather quickly and without deep thinking.Because when you start delaying, the light from Allah flickrs..

I called him up and told him that my brother will be having my mobile for a while(which was true).So dont contact me unless/until I do.I never called back again.Alhamdulillah.

But the last part was the most difficult thing.I realized the truth and I made up a fence for him.but I feared I would tear it down from the inside...It was hard.Very.

My fingers were itching to call him and each day seemed looonger.Then I set promises to control my self.I told myself that I would never type his number(which i still want to continue),because I would do that so extensively in his remembrance.You see,we almost loved each other.Asthagfirullah...I m deeply regretful for it.but Alhamdulillah I've benefitted much from this lesson.

It took time.Allah helps who really wants help. I was helped.tabarakallah...

Your blog is amazing...barakallah feek.Im suprised at many aspects,masha allah.

Little Auntie October 11, 2011 at 7:18 AM  

Khadija, jazakillah for sharing your personal experience. May Allah reward you immensely for your sacrfice and allow it to be a means to come closer to Him. It's so true- Allah helps who really wants help and guidance.

It's nice meeting you :) Do stop by again :D We love getting to know our readers more.

Alia~ October 15, 2011 at 8:45 AM  

When I read the sister's question - I already had thoughts running into my head, and mashAllah, when I read the response you mentioned almost all of them, and did it so well sister!

And I love your advice of simply not having guy friends! I learned this from personal experience a year ago, and my best friend and I have had phone discussions and have both come to the conclusion that no matter how much we can justify it, but for the most part guys and girls cannot be friends. And usually when the guy wants to have you as a friend, it's because he has intentions.

Anonymous,  October 19, 2011 at 11:32 AM  

assalamualaikum, since you asked for a reply from someone experienced :P my story is at your disposal. i did it today only alhamdulilah. he was the most religious person i've ever come across. initially i befriended him cos i only recently rediscovered islam and i dunno, i just thought a company like that would help me or something like that (sorry i'm bad at expressing myself :P bear with me please). we became fast friends in no time. although i had absolutely no "feelings" for him, and neither did he for me, but the guilt was eating me because i knew all along that it was only a matter of time before this seemingly "halaal" friendship would subtly cross its limits and that pretty soon it'd be too late to back out without hurting myself and/or him. soo, today i randomly came across this webpage [mA what a wonderful job you guys are doing! :)] and it inspired me to say adios to him alhamdulilah.
what i txted him was: "salams, i have something important to say (blah blah). i think we should stop talking. like completely.
for the sake of Allah.
i dont think these chats are doing either of us any favors. you were a fricking awesome friend and i dont want to be the reason for you to be sinned.
i'm now trying to keep my interaction with guys in college to a minimum and it's not really helping if i come home and start texting another guy.."
well, it worked. may Allah give me and us the strength to do acts that please Him and to stay away from acts that displease Him.

Little Auntie October 19, 2011 at 12:23 PM  

Wowowow. Ma'shaAllah, sis. It takes a LOT, I know to do it, but you did the right thing. May Allah bless you abundantly :)
And you weren't bad at expressing yourself- it was very clear what you were saying :D

Anonymous,  January 27, 2012 at 6:12 AM  

i was searching for answers and everything is crystal clear now. Alhamdulillah. a really helpful blog for young women facing many challenges. :)

Little Auntie January 27, 2012 at 6:29 AM  

^I'm glad it could be of help! May Allah guide us all <3

batool,  February 26, 2012 at 9:27 AM  

Your responses make me smile . I just want to add one last thing that i think people always forget and don't consider. When you get in this situation its not just you and the guy that is invlved. As a freind of people who have done this sort of thing i can tell you what your doing is effecting evryone around you . All those sisters you know although they may not say it but it really does break thier heart when they see what your doing. YOur putting people you have love more that guy and people you have loved for longer than that guy in a horrble situation. Please dont forget you sisters they miss you loads !

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Asalamu aialkum!
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