Kisses and Hugs...

>> Monday, February 7, 2011

Is it ever okay to kiss a guy before marriage?
Can’t wait.

Dear Can’t Wait!

So you can’t wait, huh? Well, before I answer the question, how about we imagine this scenario. You can’t help yourself and you kiss a person of the opposite gender. Your father walks in on that kiss. And your mother walks in behind him. To make things even more awkward, your Islamic teacher/ imam at the mosque walks in after them to find you still in a “cozy” embrace. Would you be able to look them in the eye? Honestly, can you imagine how disappointed your parents would be? How embarrassed would you be?

You see, deep down inside you know the answer to this question.

But I’ll help you out and say….

It’s a big, fat, bold, underlined,

No, no, no, no.

Honey, as we said, in the prom question, we’re not only told not to do ‘sin’, but not to even approach sins….
“Say, "Come, I will recite what your Lord has prohibited to you. [He commands] that you not associate anything with Him, and to parents, good treatment, and do not kill your children out of poverty; We will provide for you and them. And do not approach immoralities - what is apparent of them and what is concealed…(Al Anam 6:151)”

Allah subhanoo Wa’ Tala also specifically says:
And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way. (17: 32)

Kisses would definitely qualify as approaching unlawful sexual intercourse. Think about it. If you think NOW that you can’t control yourself from kissing him, how are you to guarantee that if you do kiss him, you won’t be able to control yourself from other things?

That’s exactly the reason why in the first place, Islam places great emphasis on keeping away such temptation. We’re told to lower our gazes:

- Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allâh is All-Aware of what they do. (An-Nur 24:30)

- The Messenger of Allaah (Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam) said: “O Ali, do not follow a glance with another, for you will be forgiven for the first, but not for the second.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2701; see Saheeh al-Jaami’, 7953)

We’re supposed to dress very modestly. Think about our hijab.

We’re supposed to not ‘mix freely’. Look at how even at the masjid, we shouldn’t sit right next to each other.
Abu Hurayrah said that the Prophet (May peace and blessings be upon him) said: ""The best of the men’s rows is the first and the worst is the last, and the best of the women’s rows is the last and the worst in the first." Narrated by Muslim under No. 664.

We're not supposed to be alone with non-mahrams.

And we’re supposed to ‘GUARD’ our chastity.

That’s why I want you to stop thinking “so negatively”. When you think “I can’t do this”, you’re giving yourself excuses/ license to do it. BUT if you start thinking “Yes, I can do this,” you’ll be able to think much more clearly of ways to avoid falling into temptation. OK?

Yeah, right, like I’m going to leave you all alone, like that.

No way! Of course, I’ll think of ways with you.

Number 1- Do NOT belittle a sin. Remember who it is that you are sinning against.

Acknowledge and realize that you are fully responsible for your actions. For you to 'act upon any feelings' and you're not married is not o.k. 

And the record [of deeds] will be placed [open], and you will see the criminals fearful of that within it, and they will say, "Oh, woe to us! What is this book that leaves nothing small or great except that it has enumerated it?" And they will find what they did present [before them]. And your Lord does injustice to no one. (18: 49)

Our books will contain even ‘tiny’ sins…A lot of ‘tiny’ sins may just tip the scale.

In fact, you should take heed from the story of Baseera.

Who is Baseera?

Honestly, I consider this story one of the most horror stories I have ever read….

“ There was a man who lived amongst the children of Israel named Barseesa. His worship and devotion to Allah was so great that we call him ‘aabid bani Isra’eel’: the great worshipper from the Children of Israel.”
So Barseesa changed his mind and took responsibility for the sister while the three brothers left…..

Read more: here

It is absolutely terrifying. This is the story of how Shaitan didn’t want Baseera to know how bad one sin is….and how, Baseera ended up destroying himself.

Shaitan is doing the same thing to you, my darling sister. He’s trying to justify that ‘sin’ to you…he’s trying to make it look appealing. Don't listen to him!

Number 2- End the Relationship

If you can’t get married, yet (or sign the marriage contract at least and not necessarily move in), I know that this is going to sound harsh, but habibti, it needs to end.

Ask yourself- where are you going with this relationship?

Do you realize that you may be setting yourself up for a huge, possible heartbreak? The reality is that you are cultivating a relationship that isn’t following Allah’s commands; do you really think He is going to bless it?

In fact, you could be day dreaming about who will actually be some other girls’ future hubby.

So you really need to say goodbye.

You should do it, not only so that YOU walk away with a chance of jannah, but so he does, too!

How? Well, I think you should JUST TELL him (preferably in a message or email), because at the end of the day, this is a chance for him, to repent, too.

So this is what I would suggest:

Dear ___________,
 I've been reading more about Islam and I'm no longer comfortable being in what I can only now recognize is not an entirely halal relationship. Allah has given me (and you) so much. I have so much to be thankful for and I don't want to risk making Him angry by doing something He has forbidden. That's why I am saying- 'Thank you but goodbye".
I hope you understand that this is really not personal. If you truly care about me, then you'll support this decision. Let's not stand in front of each other's paths to jannah or to Allah's pleasure.

I'm pretty sure that I may want to 'give' in, so I'm going to delete your number and email. If you could do the same for me, I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you so much,

You also need to get rid of his number, e-mail, facebook. Avoid calling or messaging him..that sorta thing.

Also, get rid of any gifts, delet any sweet messages, etc. You can print them out and then bury them. You don't want to carry around memories/ things that may jeopardize your future marriage, inshaAllah.

Number 3- Get busy
Be productive. Think of a different goal (rather than kissing him). What is it that you want to accomplish? You could also do something like volunteering at some charity organization. Kick-start a halaqah at the mosque. Start a blog? I can tell you from my experience, it can really keep you busy, LOL.

Number 4-Start Fasting
Yes! Fast! It’s a shield for one's chastity.

Number 5- Avoid ‘lovey-dovey’ [romance] movies/shows
because they are bound to get you to start thinking about doing haraam again.

Number 6- Find someone more worthy of your love.
Allah. Learn more about Him! Who is HE?
Start listening to more Islamic lectures and that kinda thing. Check out the Auntie Recommended links. Read at least one page of the Qur’an every day! Get some more religious friends. Go to the masjid. Check out forums.

Pray, pray, pray!!

InshaAllah, you can do this. It may be a little tough, but stay strong. I want you to remember the hadith about sacrifice. Anything you give up for Allah's sake, He'll give you something better! Remember to take this opportunity and talk to Allah. Just sit alone in your room and tell Him how you feel about everything. Any day that you miss your that guy- just tell Allah. Tell Him that you gave that guy up for HIM. Ask Allah to keep you steadfast and ask Him to give you something greater =)

May you be from these:
Certainly will the believers have succeeded: (1)…. And they who are observant of zakah (4) And they who guard their private parts (5) Except from their wives or those their right hands possess, for indeed, they will not be blamed - (6)…. Those are the inheritors (10) Who will inherit al-Firdaus. They will abide therein eternally. (11)

P.S. There's an old answer to called "There's this guy"...Check it out.

P.s.s. More than a Dreamer on I got it Covered

3 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Fida Islaih February 7, 2011 at 12:39 PM  

Aww... I wish I could go back in time. I was writing a paper and some of the things you mentioned here would've been great.

But either way, thank you! Better late then never, right?

Fida x

Unknown April 5, 2011 at 1:27 PM  

This is great, jazakAllah khair dearest sisters!

Seeker of Guidance March 1, 2014 at 8:28 AM  

Nice answer. Good work, Aunties! Jazakumullah khair.

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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