>> Sunday, February 20, 2011
My question is about marriage. I know that you are a little younger than me and you are not married, but I need someone to talk to.
My situation briefly explained: I hv completed my graduation. My father searching for the right groom for me, but he has so many requirements n he wants to search the best for me. Of course, that is sooo normal as a father, but the real problem is that whenever there’s a proposal or Biodata, he gives it to my mother n tells her to give me. Now my father is a very nice man and he is friendly with us but he never talked with me in this matter of marriage. And my mother is also a little bit shy, so she never talked with me in details abt this subject. Like wht I want or what I think now?? As my mother doesn’t ask me anything I just can’t get myself to saying anything- it alwys cums to my mind that would be like shameless behavior with parents :( whtever I have to say I say through my maternal aunty which I sumtimes dont want to....
Now, to make things more complicated. i knw sumone....who is pious n as far i came to knw his Deen is So strong n He alwys tries to walk in the path of Allah(SWT)...n my intention is nt bad cz i want to marry him...
Well, he gave proposal to my father through his familya and my father brought the biodata/proposal at home n gave 2my mother bt didn’t give me yet…I think bcz this proposal didn’t really meet his expectations.
So at present I don’t knw wht shud I do. This man lives in a different country but he is supposed to come soon to visit our family. I want to knw wht r those steps or initiative I shud do or i can take in this situation which will NOT make my Allah(SWT) unsatisfied n my parents as well me also,bcz now want my partner to b the one who will help me to stay on the path of Allah(SWT)....i knw Allah(SWT) will do the best for me...HE also told us to try in the right way so i want to try...just dont knw how!!!
Your Alwys Smiling Sis
Dear little aunties,
Just a small update. I think my father has said no.
Thank you for reading this, anyways.
Your still smiling sis- with a little bit of tears :(
Dear my precious sister,
First of all, sister, please please forgive me for taking so long to reply. I thought about your question so much- I wanted to give you the best answer possible, but now…I feel like I failed you. Like I wasn’t there for you when you needed me :( When I read your update, I felt horrible. I know you wanted to marry him and I know how hard it is to talk to our parents, especially about marriage prospects. My parents are also kinda quiet about it. ( I’m Egyptian, btw.) They tend to talk to each other, talk to our uncles, talk to our relatives- but like you said, they’re quite shy to bring it up with me....
But I think you and I have both learned now the importance of us being pro-active and refusing to sit on the sidelines anymore. Sis, our parents love us, right, and they want what’s best for us- no matter how shameful it might seem (because it actually isn’t shameful- we are talking about marriage not boyfriends and sex, hehe), we have to learn from this experience that the next time someone you’re interested comes along, we need to broach the subject with them. We can do it like “Dad/Father/ I have heard [from my auntie/from my mother/etc.] that someone is asking about my hand in marriage. I value your opinion so much and I know that you are looking out for what’s best for me. Could we just perhaps talk about it a bit and you share with me your concerns or what you like/don’t like about the suitor? What do you think, Dad?”
And then, gently and calmly take each concern and explain your idea of it. For example: ‘he isn’t that rich’….You could say, “But, dad, money doesn’t buy happiness. If he were a billionaire but he treated me badly, you wouldn’t want that, right? Also, everyone starts small, right? Not many ‘rich people’ were rich in the beginning”…etc. This especially works well if your father started our not that rich, either-….
If he’s worried about his social status, you could say something like “Dad, isn’t character more important than or at least equally as important as a person’s parents?” Remember, Omar bin Al Khattab (May Allah be pleased with him) married his son to a daughter of a milk lady because he was so impressed with her piety. He did this, despite being the Ruler of the whole Muslim Empire at the time!
Related to social status, if your father is worried about ‘caste’, remind him that each person is different.
Try to give him examples from the community that show that coming from caste X does not guarantee a person’s integrity and coming from caste Y does not necessarily reflect *lack* of integrity.
If you can’t think of anyone, tell him bout the Companion Bilal, radiya Allah Anhoo- how he was a slave, but such a high person in the sight of Allah. On the other hand, look at the Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salama's uncle, Abu Lahab. Despite being related to the best man on the whole earth, he was one of the WORST men and the Qur'an has promised him punishment.
You said that this person lives abroad in a different country. Do you think that your father rejected him for that reason alone? Do you think you can explain to him that now we have Internet/yahoo/skype, etc. and that no matter where you go, you would still talk to them as much as possible, you would still try and visit (if possible)…OR do you think it’s more than just ‘missing you’, that maybe he doesn’t want you to marry a foreigner because he’s worried about your safety? In that case, you would need someone maybe who was living in that country to ‘verify’ this man’s behavior, you know to comfort him…
You would need to also show your dad that you have done research. You need to look around, search, find out the cost of living, medical care, what kind of schools there are, if you could get a job, etc in that country. You can tell your dad “Dad, I understand this person is living far away. What if we did some research and asked around? Why rush into any hasty decisions”?
You see, my smiling sis, the ball is in your hands, so long as you stand up to catch it. If we sit down and rely on those around us to catch it, they may never pass the ball to us, right. We can never make a goal when someone else is holding the ball and not giving it to us…so we have to stand up and ask for it. Allah subhanoo Wa’ Tala gave us our voices- a gift we can use to speak up about what we want….even if our voice trembles. You can even tell you parents, “Dad, I am very shy to speak about this and it is hard to bring it up, but I have heard that a suitor has come…”
Be honest with him.
And be honest with yourself! Ask yourself this- would you rather that you end up missing the next opportunity that comes just because you don’t want your parents to think of you as shameless? Remember, your parents raised you- they know that you are not shameless! Remember also that Khadija Radiya Allah Anha was the one who initiated her marriage with the Prophet, sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam. We’re talking she started the PROPOSAL! Imagine! So again, this is not shameless behavior! It may surprise them a bit—but there’s no reason to deny one’s future because of that!
You said that your father is looking for a groom for you- that’s fantastic. Many fathers are too busy to be doing that…the fact that he is doing that Ma’shaAllah tells me that he really does want you to get married. But you need to let him know just who you want to marry/ what kind of person. It’s not enough that the suitor matches your dad’s expectations- he has to match yours. You will be the one who ends up living with the man, right?
You said that your REAL auntie is someone you sometimes can talk to. That’s great! Talk to her about your frustration that you can’t just talk to your parents about these proposals- hopefully, she’ll bring it up with your mom and your mom will bring it up with your dad…
But what if you dad doesn’t really listen to your mom or your mom is shy? This is where you need to ask yourself-s who does your dad listen to? Whose opinion does he value? Can you enlist anyone’s help to talk to him? Or to let him know what kind of person you want? Do you have a brother? So you’re too shy to talk to your uncle? Well, does your dad have a brother who is married? Can you talk to his wife (and she’ll talk to your uncle who will then talk to your dad?). Can an uncle talk to the Imam of the mosque to talk to your dad?
You can also try other methods: maybe, for instance, send him a letter to his email telling him you’re very shy but there were a few things on your mind. Or if he doesn’t have e-mail, leaving him a letter on his pillow. I know some people might find it strange to 'use a letter', but the important thing is for the words to be said (no matter how) and that you remain as respectful as possible..
Tell him that you can at LEAST pray istikharah, right?
And lastly, make dua, sis. Make dua that Allah gives you what is best! You said that he is coming soon. Does that mean you still think there's a chance? If so, start from now, talking to your parents and making dua. If there is no chance, learn from this experience, inshaAllah.
Please, please ,keep me updated and I am here if you ever need a hug!
Your sister in Islam,
Dear Little Aunties,
I’ve sent a letter to my dad about it. He’s so shocked, he’s not talking to me. My mother also seems upset with me. It hurts. But the man is coming soon.
I don’t know what to do now.
You did a GREAT job. I know that he is shocked but he will come around, inshaAllah. It's hard to 'face him', but just continue to talk to him normally in the house. Let him know that you are still his daughter. He hasnt' seen this side of you, so he's just surprised. Give him some time :)
But, i's so exciting that he's coming soon. InshaAllah it all works out for the best for you.
Dear little aunties,
It has been some time. I hope you haven’t forgotten me. I just wanted to update you and let you know that, alhamdillah, alhamdillah, I have gotten married.
I want the other sisters out there to know that it is possible. It was not easy and my father maybe is not 100% pleased, but he gave his consent and he has started to accept it. I want to tell my sisters to have sabr and trust in Allah. Truly Allah is the greatest.
inshaAllah hoping to see you, little aunties, sometime…
.. Pray for Us..........
Your Always Smiling sister