>> Thursday, April 7, 2011
I love your blog. Thank you so much for all that you do.
Well, I'm in a sticky situation. I read what you wrote about "There's this guy", but my situation is a little different. I'm a 17 year old girl, who loves her deen and learning about it, but happens to be in a relationship with a guy with the clear INTENTION to get married. We are serious about our relationship. We've tried to end it several times but it just hurts way too much. My aunt was aware that I was talking to a guy but I told her that we ended it...we did, but now we're back together. My question is, how do I deal with my parents when it comes out in the open as I know that the truth always comes out? What should I do? I've tried to lose contact with him and he always cooperates, but it just doesn't work and it hurts both of us too much. I'll take any advice I can get from you guys.
And I'm sorry if I made no sense :s
Dearest Confused Sister,
First of all, mashaAllah, that you love your religion and are trying to learn more about it. May Allah strengthen your imaan and make you among His Knowledgeable Slaves. May He help you and all us, inshaAllah, to really put into practice the knowledge that we learn. Ameen. :D
Now, onto your question….Before we start to look at it, I want to ask you something a little random. What do you think about Robin Hood? Honestly, I never read the book (and of course, I didn’t watch the movie) but from the little that I’ve gathered, Robin Hood was this noble guy who used to steal from the rich to give to the poor. Sounds like super noble, right?
Imagine if I went to your house and stole your personal jewels and decided to give them to the poor people. Would that be a great thing or what?
Umm, not really.
And that’s the thing. Islamically, Robin Hood wouldn’t have been considered noble. He would have been considered a ‘theif’. You know why? Because in Islam, the ends DO NOT justify the means. In Islam, only pure, halal means can be used to attain something noble.
So what do you think I’m trying to get at? I know you two “lovebirds” have this noble goal of getting married and setting up a nice, religious family together….but in the meantime, what are you actually doing together?
Islam clearly forbids relationships outside of marriage. As much as you love each other, Islam makes it clear dating isn’t allowed. I want you to ask yourself- with all sincerity, what are you to each other? Since it’s pretty obvious your father isn’t in the picture, then doesn’t that mean that you are pretty much his girlfriend? Is that really who you want to be?
The truth is, sis, you don’t need to be worried about your parents finding out as much as you need to be worried about what Allah thinks. Every time, you two giggle together or talk without a mahrem being present, Allah is watching you. And shouldn’t that matter?
So, sis, you need to be honest with yourself. If you don’t believe your father would allow you to do nikah (only sign the marriage contract, not move in) right now, then, you need to end your relationship.
I know that you said that you tried before and that it hurt too much. No one said it was going to be easy. In fact, I’m saying it right now- voluntarily ending a relationship for the sake of Allah is tough. But, you can do it…think about the tests the Sahaba had to go through…Think about how Bilal used to be taken in the hot desert sand, thrown on his back, and how a gigantic stone was placed on him so that the skin of has back literally melted and yet, he kept saying “Ahad-Ahad”. Or how about Sumaya, the first martyr in Islam? Or Al Khansa, who lost her four sons in one battle ?
But if you sincerely want to make Allah happy and you ask Him to help you, then, you can do it. In your sujood, make dua that Allah make it easier for you.
The most important thing, though, is never give yourself an excuse to sin. Never say you can’t stop doing a sin. If you do that, then, what you’re actually saying is that Allah’s Command doesn’t apply to you/ or that Allah overburdened you. And you know that’s not true.
I know this might not have been the advice that you wanted…but you know what, sister. This could actually be a sign. You sent this question in and this is the answer you got. This could be one of Allah’s ways of reminding you that you need to turn back to him. Remember: these rules are here for a reason. There is some One who is more Merciful to you than your own mother….Allah. And He put high standards for us Muslims…no guy gets to romantically talk to you, without showing clear signs of his commitment by talking to your father/ wali.
And finally, here’s what I have to say to you:
Think about how Zaynab (the Prophet’s daughter) had to leave her husband because he wouldn’t embrace Islam….Don’t you think Zaynab had to struggle with her emotions? I mean they had been married for a number of years and they even had a child. And they were a very close couple. But Zaynab (Radi Allah anha) knew that this world is nothing without Allah’s Ridaa or Pleasure and so she left her partner.
And you know what? Allah didn’t let their beautiful love story just end there.
He reunited them... maybe because Zaynab put Him above anyone else, He rewarded her.
If you do this for Allah, miracles can happen. They can. Maybe not right now, but in a little bit of time….
Lots of love,