I'm Never Going to Get Married or Live up to People's Expectations

It just seems like my whole life has to revolve around marriage. I want to get married but sometimes I think why bother? Ill never find the right guy, and no one will like me. I just want to die sometimes, because no matter how hard I try to be a good muslim, I never succeed and Ill never get married, so Ill never live up to my family's and society's expectations, so why not just die or go somewhere far away and be by myself forever.

Bismillah,

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatu, my dear sister.

It sounds like you are going through a rough time and need a breather from life. Sometimes life throws us lemons, and the only thing we can do is add some sugar, some ice, and a pink straw and make lemonade out of it! You know sis, I actually understand how you feel because I’ve been through very similar thoughts and feelings that you are currently experiencing! Sometimes the hardest struggles are not physical but emotional, and the only way we can get through them is with the help of Allah, and also the support from our fellow sisters! I also want you to know, that you are not alone even when you are feeling at your all time low, Allah is All-Seeing, All-Hearing, All-Knowing. We all need to remember our Lord during times of ease and times of distress and know that He is the only One who can get us through our struggles, because He is the One who has decreed everything for us in the first place. 

I want to share with you a little bit about myself only to help you see something my dear sister. You see, when I was going through all of these emotional sufferings, I didn't have Islam. I was lost, confused, and felt like I had no purpose in life. I didn't think I was ever good enough for anybody, especially myself. There was a point in my life where I was extremely depressed and all I wanted to do was crawl into a dark hole and never come out. I resented the world, and I hated everyone, including myself. I was overweight and teased by friends and family. I will never forget the words “you better lose weight or else no man will marry a fat girl like you!” These words coming from my very own family were the same words that lead me to an eating disorder and a low self-esteem that still haunts me from time to time. I never thought I would succeed in life and I thought very lowly of myself, to the point I wanted to commit suicide. But by the Mercy and Blessings of Allah, He guided me to Islam, and I was able to find light in all the darkness I was in. Just imagine, not being able to pray during times of distress, not being able to connect with my Creator when I was feeling low and depressed, and not being able to read the Wise words of our Lord during times of loneliness. I was fighting the battle alone because I didn't have Islam. Imagine trying to seek peace and serenity in your heart, but not knowing how to find it? But realizing that only such peace and serenity can be found only in Islam is truly the biggest blessing we can have.

So why am I telling you this? Sis, don't ever think about crawling in a hole and just dying. Instead, my dear sis, remember the beautiful blessings that Allah has indeed blessed you with. Just being able to wake up and see the sun, being able to walk and talk with ease, being able to eat and breathe without and machines hooked up to us! The list of blessing go on, though we may not realize them, but every minute we are awake and sleeping is a blessing from Allah. Often we count other’s blessings and forget to count our own!  You look at someone else married and imagine their life is perfect...but who told you that? How can you be so sure? Everyone has some blessing...something to be grateful for.

And if you should count the favors of Allah, you could not enumerate them. Indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. (16: 18)

Remember these blessings and remember your Merciful Lord, Allah!

“Truly, it is by the Remembrance of Allah that hearts find rest.” [Qur'an, Ar-Rad 13.28] 

and also remember, 

Know that the life of this world is only play and amusement, pomp and mutual boasting among you, and rivalry in respect of wealth and children, as the likeness of vegetation after rain, thereof the growth is pleasing to the tiller; afterwards it dries up and you see it turning yellow; then it becomes straw. But in the Hereafter (there is) a severe torment (for the disbelievers, evil-doers), and (there is) Forgiveness from Allah and (His) Good Pleasure (for the believers, good-doers), whereas the life of this world is only a deceiving enjoyment.” ( Al-Hadid 57: 20)

Our lives should never revolve around anything except Allah and there is no exception that our life should ever revolve around a man. Marriage itself is meant to be a means to come closer to Allah. Our lives should only revolve around Qur’an and Sunnah and we must always remember the beautiful religion of Islam and the peace that it brings to one’s life. Nobody is perfect sis, and we all will never be the “ideal Muslimah” or the “perfect daughter". We are all works in progress and we have to just try our best each day :) That's all.

And the thing is, we will never be the most beautiful, skinny woman that the media wants us to be. You see, the media is nothing but one big stage, where everything is just for show, but once the curtains close, the real evils are exposed. Media feeds pollution to us and tells us what we need to be like, in order to “fit in” with society. But who are THEY to tell us who we should look like, act like, or even talk like? What makes those people qualified to tell us what our purpose is in life?  They were all equally created by the ONE TRUE CREATOR, ALLAH THE ALMIGHTY! Nobody in this world is better than another (except in piety). We were equally created with one purpose and that purpose is to worship Allah alone and associate no partners with him. Our purpose on this earth is to follow the path of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and to obey to his Sunnah and the commands of Allah. Sure, material wealth, social status may surpass one person above another, but remember, all these things will soon disappear and will their wealth or status be able to save them from the torments of the grave, or the Hellfire? We often forget sometimes and think that wealth, children, and marital status is something we must strive for in this dunya but the most important thing is being patient with whatever Allah has decreed for us and to remember that nothing belongs to Allah and that we will all return to Him in the end.

“And certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirin (the patient ones, etc.). Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: "Truly! To Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return. They are those on whom are the Salawat (i.e. blessings, etc.) (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided-ones. " (2:155-157) 

So we must persevere and focus on what Allah wants for us, rather than what the creation wants from us. Just like an exam, we must spend lots of time studying and working hard to get a good grade, otherwise we could just be lazy and take the easy way out and fail. Similarly, life is full of easy things and difficult things and the easy things in this life are surrounded by the Hellfire, and the difficult things are surrounded by Paradise:

"The (Hell) Fire is surrounded by all kinds of desires and passions, while Paradise is surrounded by all kinds of disliked undesirable things."*[Sahih Al-Bukhari, 8/6487 (O.P.494)].

Getting married is important, however it should not be our number one priority in this life. Allah has a plan for all of us and has chosen a mate for us, if not in this dunya than in the Akhirah. We must always remember what is more important to us, the temporary? Or the eternal? As well, according to the four school of thoughts, the middle path is that, it is not obligatory to get married unless you feel that you can not suppress your sexual desires and fear of committing zina, than it is obligatory to hasten to get married. If this is not an issue to you, and you can lower your gaze, than continue to have patience and make duaa that Allah will bless you with a righteous husband (because it is Sunnah to get married). Many women are pressured by their families to get married while many women in fact are happy being unmarried, because it gives them more time to focus on themselves and their relationship with Allah. Marriage is something that can neither be rushed, nor forced but instead one must remain patient and steadfast relying only on Allah to help them with this issue. Perhaps it is not the right time for you to get married now and there is only kheyr in that as Allah says :

“it may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of good”[al-Nisa’ 4:19] 

We struggle with our deen, our families, and all the adornments of this world but we must fight the Shaitan and remember that nothing happens to us except with the decree of Allah. He is the One who created us, therefore He knows us better than ourselves :

“Allah does not burden any soul but to its capacity. For it is what it earns, and against it is what it does…” (2:286). 

Everything that happens in our lives, the good, the bad, it is all from our Lord, The Sustainer, “and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allaah knows but you do not know”[al-Baqarah 2:216].  

The only way to stay positive in all our affairs, is to remain patient. Patience is truly a difficult thing to practice but it gets easier once we establish our Salah (prayers) and turn to Allah. When we feel sad, or depressed, we often complain to our best friend or to our closest family member, but we should always remember that no human can change our situation except for the permission of Allah, so we should complain to the One who is the turner of hearts, the changer of all affairs, and remember Prophet Yaqub (aleyhi salam) said : "I only complain of my distraction and anguish to Allah." (Yusuf 12:86) who had lost his most beloved son Yusuf for fourty years, and instead of complaining to the creation and being angry, he turned to Allah and remained patient and humble, only asking Allah to help him.

I know dear sis, that it is only by our human nature to depend on the creation to help us during times of distress, but it is during these times, that Allah tests us and sees if we are loyal to Him. Ending your life is not the answer, as it will not solve anything either (especially in the akhirah!). The eternal ramifications of ending your own life is something that you will suffer through eternally in the Hellfire, is it worth it? 

If you ever feel sad, depressed, and alone remember:

It was narrated that Ibn ‘Abbaas said: I was riding behind the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) one day and he said: “O boy, I shall teach you some words. Be mindful Allaah and He will take care of you. Be mindful of Allaah and He will protect you. If you ask then ask of Allaah, and if you seek help then seek help from Allaah. Know that if the nation were to gather together to benefit you in some way, they would not benefit you except in something that Allaah has decreed for you, and if they were to gather together to harm you in some way, they would not harm you except in something that Allaah has decreed for you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (2516)

My dearest sis, you are not alone, for there are many women out there who are unmarried and happy. Here is something worth reading that may uplift your spirit insha’Allah:

“I have reached my forties and am not married, and I praise Allaah for everything that He has decreed for me. At first I felt sad and upset whenever I was alone, and I regretted my misfortune every time one of my friends got married. I did not have any conditions or specific characteristics in the man I wanted to marry; I was prepared to accept any righteous man. But years went by without this man coming to me. I began to withdraw from people so that I would not see their looks of pity but I could not escape them completely, because I would see them in the eyes of my parents and siblings who would pray for me every time they saw me. One day at the end of Sha’baan, as we were preparing for the blessed month of Ramadaan, Allaah guided me to keep a Mus-haf just for myself. I decided to read the whole Qur’aan and I found it very difficult to read it because I had stopped reading for the last ten years. I also found it difficult to understand some verses, so I bought a book of Tafseer (commentary) and I started to read it so that I could understand the verses of Qur'aan that I was reading. Ramadaan ended but my attachment to the Book of Allaah did not stop; I carried on reading the verses of Allaah and reading the commentary thereon. “Then came the day when I read the verse in Soorat al-Kahf (interpretation of the meaning): Wealth and children are the adornment of the life of this world. But the good righteous deeds that last, are better with your Lord for rewards and better in respect of hope [al-Kahf 18:46].  I wondered, what does the good righteous deeds that last’ mean? I found in the Tafseer that it refers to all righteous deeds. “I fell in love with righteous deeds such as prayer, fasting, charity, tasbeeh, tahmeed, tahleel and takbeer. Happiness began to fill my heart and I became content. I praised Allaah greatly for guiding me to this path and teaching me these things.” Sister Umm Yamaan adds:  “But this is not a call for monasticism (secluding oneself from society and devote themselves to solitude, prayer, contemplation), rather it is a call to accept the will and decree of Allaah.” (Ghayr Mutazawwajaat walakin Sa’eedaat (Unmarried but Happy) 1/4-7 by Muhammad Rasheed al-‘Uwayd.)

So you see, when we accept the will of Allah and count our own blessings rather than other people’s blessings, and when we aim to please the Creator rather than the creation (family, society etc) we will find a peace and tranquility in our hearts that can never be found in anything other than submitting through obedience to Allah, the Almighty. You will realize that all the other matters will become trivial and the main focus is being the weakest servant of Allah, and earning that beautiful home in Jannah. This worldly life is meant to deceive us and shaitan is always hard at work trying to throw us off the upright path of Allah. We must turn to Allah before we return to Allah, preparing for the Akhirah and for the trials of the grave, and we can only do this by seeking help in patience and prayer and always being grateful for the uncountable blessings that our Lord has bestowed upon us.

I want to recommend a beautiful book on patience and gratitude by the noble sheikh Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyya,http://d1.islamhouse.com/data/en/ih_books/single/en_the_way_to_patience_and_gratitude.pdf. If you ever have those negative thoughts of sadness and depression, lock yourself up in your room, pray to Allah, and crawl into bed with a cup of tea (or juice) and enjoy this read. Insha’Allah you will feel better before you know it! Our iman is like the waves of the ocean, sometimes they are higher and sometimes lower, we must fight those waves and not let shaitan drown us, and come out strong and confident in our Lord! 

When you fix your relationship with Allah and live a well grounded life (volunteer somewhere, join a halaqah, give charity, go to the gym, take care of your body and soul), you'll find that you don't need a man to find a reason to live for.This is the only way to tackle the temporary, valueless world we live in. So persevere with courage and stay focused because Allah will never abandon His slaves to the shaitan if they are sincere in their cry for guidance! <3

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A Non-Muslim Asks: What's it like?

I am writing a paper on Muslims. How hate crimes against them has increased since 9/11. I am trying to show in my paper that you shouldn't hate Muslims because of what happened. Tell their side of the story. If you can help that would be greatly thanked.                                                 1 What does it mean to be a Muslim?                                                                                                    2 What is it like to be Muslim woman, and a man?                                                                             3 How has your life changed if it has changed at all since 9/11

Dear Interested,
Thank you so much for taking the time to talk a Muslim about what it means to be a Muslim. It is honestly a refreshing change from hearing others tell us what our religion says and what it means to be a Muslim :) I also can't thank you enough for deciding to write such a paper.

As for your questions, I have decided I will answer them, and also, if you don't mind, leave them open to discussion for the sisters who read this blog to answer. I hope our combined answers will help give you a better idea of what it means to be a Muslim and how 9/11 affected us :)

1. What does it mean to be a Muslim?

That's a great question.

Many people would be surprised to know that Moses and Jesus were Muslims :)

That's because being Muslim doesn't mean being a certain race or nationality and certainly has nothing whatsoever to do with terrorism. To be a Muslim means to follow "Islam" and Islam means submission to God (something all of the prophets commanded). Basically, a Muslim is a person who willingly submits his or her heart, soul, and body to God and  voluntarily lives his/her according to His Will and His Commandments. Being a Muslim means that you recognize that you are a creation of God and that God has a say in every single thing that you do, say, wear, eat, etc. A Muslim believes that nothing is equal to God and nothing-  not a saint, idol, statue, "son", prophet , righteous man, our own egos, money, fashion, etc.- should be put in the place of God or loved  equally as Him.

A Muslim isn't simply a title that one gets, though. To be a Muslim requires both believing in certain things and committing one's self to certain actions. After all, devotion to God and true love should be demonstrated in our actions. Therefore, in order for a person to be counted as Muslim, they must believe in:

 1) The Oneness of God and His Exclusive right to worship and authority 

 2) The angels

  3) The prophets (including Noah, Moses, Abraham, Jesus, and the final Messenger, Mohammed)

  4) The Divine Scriptures (the Torah, Psalms and Gospel, and Qu'ran- but only the Qur'an remains exactly as it was Revealed)

 5) The Day of Judgment  

6) The Divine Decree  (: 1) God knows everything.  He knows what has happened and what will happen.  2) God has recorded all that has happened and all that will happen.  3) Whatever God wills to happen happens, and whatever He wills not to happen does not happen.  4) God is the Creator of everything.

They must also agree to do 5 things :) These 5 actions strengthen our relationship with our Lord and also our relationship with others and our society.

1) Testify or bear witness that they believe that God is One and that Mohammed is His final messenger 

2) Pray 5 times a day (God comes first and is greater than everything)

3) Fast the month of Ramadan (except if they are sick, pregnant, etc. and have a reason to delay the days/etc.)

4) Give obligatory charity 

5) Perform pilgrimage to Mecca ONCE in their lifetime

2 What is it like to be Muslim woman, and a man?

What an interesting question :)

It feels liberating. As a Muslim, I bow down to nothing and no one but God, Almighty. Having this concept completely emancipates me from becoming a slave to money or to society's expectations and wants. Life to a Muslim  is so much more than just getting the fanciest car or biggest apartment or even going on the best vacations. Life is about worshiping the one True God. 

In fact,  Islam emancipates me from my own self and my lower desires:it gives me a chance every moment of the day to rise above my material and physical desires and transcend to a more God conscious level.

It also feels very peaceful and allows us to be in sync with the universe which we believe is all worshiping God. 

Fundamentally a Muslim understands that everything is in God's hands and this is extremely comforting. We know that God is All Wise in His decrees and All Merciful and that whatever circumstances we are exposed to, we are exposed to for our own benefit. We know that if we relied on God with true reliance, He would provide us with our sustenance as He pro

vides the birds: they go out hungry and come home full :)

It feels like a great honor. As a Muslim, I communicate with God at least 5 times a day. There are no intermediaries put between us. He hears me when I call out to Him and He responds. My relationship with God is direct and to call this a blessing is an understatement. 

At the same time, it sometimes feels different. We have a saying that we should be as strangers in this world- just people passing by. When others are out partying, going to clubs, perhaps drinking or basically seizing the "day",a Muslim stays away from all these things. Instead, a Muslim says, "You don't only live once. You live twice and the choices you make, you'll be held accountable for." 

3 How has your life changed if it has changed at all since 9/11?
It feels like my religion was hijacked. I left the United States before 9/11, but I can honestly say I worry about ever visiting it again- about going to the airport and being checked or stopped- about how others will treat me because of the fact that I wear the veil and am visibly Muslim.
I thought though I would leave this question mainly for the other sisters to answer :)

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My Friends Say...

I'm a simple girl. I hardly ever put make up on and I'm a little chubby. The truth is, it's really hard for me to feel beautiful. I only feel it when I wear jilbab and think about how Allah is pleased with my clothing and how I look like the beautiful Muslim girls I admire. The thing though is that when my friends and I have girl parties, I sometimes try and dress up a bit. My friends say that I look pretty then and that I should wear those kinds of tight sparkley clothes more and make-up. They say that I should dress up like that wherever I go. It doesn't make me feel good. At all.I don't even see what they're talking about. I still don't feel beautiful and would rather wear a simple skirt and shirt to the parties. I just need to talk to someone. :(

Asalamu aliakaum wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo!

Sis, I'm really sorry that you find it hard to feel beautiful.  You are beautiful. You were created by Allah!! Of course, you're beautiful. 

Have you ever seen pictures of movie actresses without their make-up? Or the Dove Video on beauty? It shows how all those famous people look just like you and me.....It's just they have a little direction and help with how to bring out the best of their faces/bodies. 

But hunny, I want you to realize something. Much more important than your body, though is your soul. You have a beautiful soul...

I REALLY want you to read these two articles we wrote before about beauty: 

http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2011/05/fat-ugly-and-stupid.html
http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2011/12/bea-you-tiful.html

Whether you have make up on or don't or have a nice dress or not, this is about your self-esteem and how you view yourself. Girl, you have to respect yourself. You have to keep reminding yourself that you are someone honored in Islam, worthy and precious...someone beautiful and with a LOT to offer. 

As for your friends....

Imagine that you were in a room, looking through some pictures. Every time you landed on a picture of a woman wearing a short pink skirt or a tight outfit, a voice automatically came on, saying "That's beautiful". Whenever you flipped to a picture of a long and loose dress, though, you would hear nothing, though. Just imagine.

Flip to a loose outfit: nothing.

Tight dress: "That's beautiful."

Imagine that happened every single time.

What do you think would happen?

Let's take a not so wild guess. Most likely, your mind would form some sort of association or link with "beautiful" and "short/ tight clothes". If this kept happening to you, you would find yourself soon automatically saying with the voice "That's beautiful" whenever you saw such a picture...

Unfortunately, that's what's happening with a lot of us (i.e. your friends). With movies, billboards, magazines, advertisements, and cosmetic products, etc. all advertising a certain"look" as beautiful, many of us today have been brainwashed into thinking beauty is a certain size, color, shape, style, etc. Even if we don't actually say it out loud, we actually do have some seriously distorted definitions of beauty floating around in our subconsciousness minds. A definition that is based on the terms the fashion and cosmetic industries tell us.

And that's the thing.

When your friends look at you and tell you to dress "in tight sparkely clothes" or with clothing that is "more in vogue" and to "put on make-up", they're not telling you that because they think that you are ugly. They're doing that because they have knowingly or unknowingly, bought into the media's idea of beauty. When they tell you to dress up in that way, they do so because they see "beauty potential" in you. They see "hidden beauty" and they want you to show it to others. They've basically bought into the message "If you've got it, flaunt it".

Of course, I'm not saying you should do that, though. I'm just saying that your friends don't think you're ugly and they genuinely do mean that you look beautiful. They're just influenced by the definition of beauty they have been told.

But yes, back to the part where we left off. The whole "you shouldn't flaunt it if you got it".

You're doing the right thing, sis, by dressing modestly:)

Islam is totally against the message of flaunting it.

Islam teaches us that we are very precious. You wouldn't throw a pearl on to the street, would you? You're far more precious than that pearl.

Islam doesn't denounce your beauty but says that your beauty is reserved for only certain individuals to see. Not every random stranger on the street deserves to see/ gawk at your beauty/figure.

Instead, you're just like a queen who allows only certain individuals to enter her royal court and meet her.

So yeah..whereas your friends say that "you should wear the same thing everywhere you go", the reality is, that isn't really true. I mean, let me ask you a question: would you wear the same thing you would attend a slumber party with to a meeting with the principal of your school?

The truth is, who you're with, the situation you're in, the rules of the place all dictate what we wear. Schools have uniforms....Workplaces have dress codes...even some restaurants have a dress code (such as, must be wearing shoes/shirt).

The one with the greatest rights upon us-Allah subhanoo wa' Tala- has the greatest rights to dictate what we should wear and in front of who.

Allah subhanoo wa' Tala is the one who clearly said that you are allowed to dress in a certain way with some people and not allowed to with others. Since Allah created you and me, He knows what's best for us.

And say to the faithful women to lower their gazes, and to guard their private parts, and not to display their beauty except what is apparent of it, and to extend their headcoverings (khimars) to cover their bosoms (jaybs), and not to display their beauty except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husband's fathers, or their sons, or their husband's sons, or their brothers, or their brothers' sons, or their sisters' sons, or their womenfolk, or what their right hands rule (slaves), or the followers from the men who do not feel sexual desire (elderly men), or the small children to whom the nakedness of women is not apparent, and not to strike their feet (on the ground) so as to make known what they hide of their adornments. And turn in repentance to Allah together, O you the faithful, in order that you are successful[Surah-An Nur, Ayah 31]

So what should you do?

1. Don't succumb to peer pressure. You're doing the right thing!

2. Tell your friends that you choose to dress differently depending on who is going to "be there"/whether it's mixed or not/ etc. because Allah told us to do that. Explain that you would appreciate their support in this and it's really something important to you....and that you feel really beautiful when you feel like your clothes are pleasing to Allah.

Here are some other points and tips to keep in mind from a similar post here: 
http://dearlittleauntie.blogspot.com/2011/12/why-oh-why-do-you-wear-that.html

One thing I am going to tell you about your friends telling you to put make up on is that although I used to be anti make-up, with time, I realized that make- up can be a tool (we're talking about all girl's parties). Make up experts actually study how to enhance certain features and make others stand out/ not stand out.  Basically how to let your beauty shine more. So just learning a tip or two can sometimes make all the difference. I know that my friends compliment me so much more when I have kohl on: the kohl enhances and brings out the shape of my eyes more. It doesn't mean that I am ugly without the kohl. It means that the kohl helps make the beauty stand out more...

Here's an article for you, too, about a girl who undergoes a complete transformation just by putting some make-up on :)

  

http://gma.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/acne-scarred-teen-model-undergoes-amazing-daily-makeup-134645528.html

Again, though, it's just a tool.Whether you use it or not, you are STILL beautiful =) Just remember that.

I hope the other sisters can also add their own input, inshaAllah.

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Horror-Mornal

I CAN'T control my emotions in my period. I hate to be talking of this subject, but it's such a problem. I'm very irritable, I'm rude to everyone, I cry for no reason, and I can't get any studies done in the peak days. I'm just useless and very ungrateful to Allah in those days. What do I do?

Dear Hormonal,

I know what you mean.

There was this one time where I remember I just grabbed a whole box of chocolate bars and munched my way through them.

 Me: Munch. Munch. Munch. Finished? Next one. Looks up. Err...are you talking to me? Kindly press the exit button (the door) and leave me to my chocolate,  please.  

Needless to say, it was very much not a Mona Lisa sight, lol (i.e. not a pretty sight...) 

But yeah, I definitely understand what you mean about being down on those days. It's s great though that you have decided to no longer use it as an excuse to be "rude" to others or "be ungrateful to Allah".

 So what can you do? :)

Well, let's work on the irritability. If you're under stress or feeling intense pain, it makes sense that you would be a little irritable. When you're irritable, you feel like taking it out on someone ...You know that saying? Misery loves company. It's really rather true, unfortunately. 

Pain --> Irritability -->;Wanting to take it out on someone--> Rudeness and Emotional Meltdown....

Basically, you get stuck in a cycle. 

That's why it's a good idea to tackle your physical discomfort, first. Here are some of suggestions to decrease your pain and even help your mood: 

Step 1 Exercise regularly. Getting enough exercise can relieve cramping and boost your mood. Over time, exercise can even prevent some premenstrual symptoms. Even low-impact exercise such as walking and dancing can provide relief.
Step 2 Practice relaxation techniques. (It lists yoga as one, but why don't we go with breathing techniques?)                                                                                                                 Step 3 Eat a healthy, well-balanced diet. Include lean protein, good fats such as olive oil and nuts, and fruits and vegetables. Whole grains contain vitamins B6 and E, which may relieve symptoms. The calcium in low-fat dairy products can also help. (I've personally heard that eating bananas before your period helps reduce cramps.)

Tips and Warnings

• Drink more water, which flushes out your kidneys and can decrease bloating. Consult your doctor if your premenstrual symptoms are severe or interfere with your life. You may have a condition called premenstrual dysphoric disorder, which can be treated with medication.

• Avoid salt, sugar, alcohol and caffeine, all of which may worsen your symptoms.

References
From: http://www.livestrong.com/article/373283-how-to-deal-with-rising-hormones-in-the-second-half-of-a-menstrual-cycle/#ixzz24s3rF5hF  

I've also heard that herbal teas can help make you feel better (like chamomile, ginger, or peppermint) and adding a few drops of oils to your bath (lavender, rose, olive oil). You can read more about those here: 

http://tipnut.com/cramp-remedies/

Hot baths or hot water bottles can help the tension in your stomach, too :)

Besides all of those things to make you feel more physically comfortable, what can you do for your emotional needs? What can you do to also reconnect with Allah and not feel ungrateful to Him? 

• Think about utilizing your "emotional needs" and turning to Allah with a LONG dua. I mean, how many of us "crash when we get our periods" and just end up calling a good girl friend and complaining about anything and everything? Why not turn it into a positive dua where you ask Allah for the things that you NEED (instead of complaining about what you have) and whatever else you really want?  
• Make an extra effort to listen to the Qur'an. I've actually found that my heightened emotions can actually make me tear more when listening to the Qu'ran than on a non-period day :)
• Listen to some beautiful nasheeds. Soothing rhythms and inspiring words that express beautiful meanings can really help calm you down/ help you pinpoint your emotions a bit. Here's an example:
• 
  
• Save some short Islamic videos for that time. They can be ones you watched and really liked or ones you haven't watched, yet. 
• Browse through some beautiful Islamic Tumbler accounts....You may just find a captivating quote that will speak to your heart and mood and also bring you a step closer to Allah :)

As for ingratitude, start by working on that during your other days...the days when you don't have your period. Each day, write ONE thing that you are thankful for, including even (not having cramps today :P) health...the ability to concentrate...etc. 

By doing that, you've built up a stock of "gratitude attitude" that will hopefully leak over during your period. If you write down in your mobile or notebook, too, that would be awesome because then you could just leaf through it during your period days.

Think also bout the fact that you don't have to go through this pain every day. That's not a "right" you have....That's a gift from Allah. If Allah wanted, He could have willed that you had your period for 25 days, for example instead of a week. Imagine!

And think about how Merciful Allah is that He doesn't ask you to wake up at fajr time to pray. He could easily have forced it upon us....yet, instead, He gave us a license to not pray! How many teachers do you know that would accept that as an excuse? How about bosses? (As a working woman, I can tell you the answer to that. Z.E.R.O. Their attitude is 'You deal with it".)

I'm also going to include a video for you to watch/ keep in mind: (I just watched it today :)

Look at this woman. Her medical condition is that she doesn't have "fat". Fat. Have you ever considered that as a blessing? I'm sure most of us haven't. This video shows us that even our FAT CAN be a blessing. So many things we have, we take for granted. We don't even know what to be thankful for, really :)  Try saying that to Allah: Your blessings are numerous upon me, that I can't count them or even know them. 

What about being rude?

Let's be honest, girls. A lot of us DO use our periods as an excuse to "barf" up rude remarks. I know I've been guilty of it, myself. 

But it's not fair to the people around us, is it? 

If you're at the dinner table and feel like you really want to bite someone's head off because they're like "slurping the soup"/ "talking about something that at that moment seems ridiculously stupid to ONLY YOU" and have nothing polite to say, it's not a bad idea to excuse yourself for a bit until you're feeling a little better. If you're rude with your friends, you can even warn them in advance, like "Guys, I get really cranky during my period and I just want to apologize in case I say anything rude to you". 

The next step though is to really work on it: count to 20 before saying the comment, think about typing the comment into your mobile for example but not actually saying it out loud or sending it to anyone, and ask yourself, "When my period is done, will I be happy that I said this? Does this comment make me a better person? Is it necessary to say?"

As for not getting things done and being not so productive, one thing is to write a schedule and to keep in mind that you don't feel like working much when you have your period. You should have a pretty good idea when your period is arriving. If you happen to know that you're going to have a huge assignment to turn in or an upcoming test, try to force yourself to get as much work done as possible, beforehand.

During your actual period, I know that it can sometimes be hard to concentrate. Try to break up the workload so that it doesn't feel like it's too much. If you can, ask a friend to quiz your or study with you.  If you're not up to meeting with people, try putting an alarm on your mobile for 20 minutes. Just concentrate for 20 minutes and then take a quick break. 

Then go back to studying for 20 minutes...and so forth.

Another thing to keep in mind is that usefulness is not only about studying hard. You can be productive by doing some other things, too. For instance, I know my first period day is usually my most challenging day. If I had the ability to, I would personally divide my studying for the days AFTER IT, and instead, on my period do some other tasks that need to be done, like "cleaning up my desktop", sorting my closet, finding those missing socks (haha), trying out a new recipe, cleaning up my room, etc." Maybe downloading some "sample tests" but not necessarily doing them the same day.....

And dhikr, dhikr, dhikr. Take a moment to say Alhamdullilah. Saying that will make your day count, inshaAllah :)

Well, sweets, that is all that I could come up with. I hope the sisters here can give us some more ideas on how to be normal when we're feeling utterly hormonal :)

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The only thing we share...is a last name.

Salam, aunties,
I've got a major problem. I really can't stand my siblings. I've got a brother and sister but I don't feel like we are even related. IstagfirAllah, my brother is involved in everything he shouldn't be. It's so bad- smoking- clubbing- etc. He does not pray and didn't even fast Ramadan. In the beginning, I tried talking to him, but it's like there's no point. My sister is in her own little land where everything in the universe revolves around her. She also has no sense of identity or any idea of what responsibility is.
The disrespect they show my mother and the humiliation they've caused my family is just getting to be too much. I literally am too embarrassed to look my neighbors in the eye or to even go to the masjid because of all that they've done. It's actually been a month since I've talked to them and I feel like I may never talk to them again. Please help me change my heart and mind because I know I’m capable of never speaking to them ever again and it’s terrifying me.

Dearest Sister,

I could read how tired you were in your email. Tired of seeing haram and tired of having to deal with your siblings who don't act like siblings.Tired of the neighbor's talk and the drama and the humiliation you end up having to deal with because of irresponsible siblings. 

It definitely doesn't sound easy, at all. I can understand how you feel- how their actions can just drive you completely crazy- and how you just want to knock some sense into them or completely ignore their existence, but sis....did you ever think of it in this way:

 You don't choose who your relatives are.

Prophet Mohammed sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam certainly didn't get to choose Abu Lahab as his uncle....Prophet Noah didn't get to choose for his son to be a disbeliever....Prophet Abraham didn't get to choose that his father would be an idol carver and worshiper.

Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala is the one who in His Wisdom chose our families for us.

These siblings that you have-- that you would never be friends with if you happened to cross paths with- were chosen for you and you were chosen for them. Did you ever think that maybe there was a reason you were all born to the same parents? Maybe Allah chose YOU for them so that you could help bring back your siblings?

Perhaps they were chosen for you as a test of faith and perhaps you were chosen for them to guide them back to Allah...?

Let me ask you another question...

Have you ever felt scared for your siblings' Hereafter? Have you ever felt your body shudder and shiver at the thought of them not making it to Paradise (We seek refuge in Allah and pray that is not the case)..But, really, have you ever talked to them not because you were embarrassed at all that they've done to your family name, but because you were terrified that someone so close to you might end up in hell? 

One of the things the Prophet sallah allahoo alyhee wa salam said is "None of you believes until you love for your brother what you love for yourself".

If we truly want our faith to be completed, then, we have to love for our siblings guidance and paradise as much as we love it for ourselves. Imagine how terrified you would be of dying as a non-Muslim. You should feel that same fear for them and want Islam for them as much as you want it for yourself.

What if it was YOU who was lost? Would you want your family to give up on you? Or keep trying?

Now, I know that your brother doesn't pray or fast and the other one is difficult with no sense of identity...

The thing is, it's totally alright to be disgusted by their actions. Hating the sins that they do and the fact that they cross Allah's "red lines" (boundaries) is a part of faith: 

   

The prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam told us: 

On the authority of Abu Sa`id (Radiya Allah Anhoo) that the Prophet (sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam) said, “Whoever sees something evil should change it with his hand. If he cannot, then with his tongue; and if he cannot do even that, then in his heart. That is the weakest degree of faith.” (Muslim)

The weakest degree is to 'hate' what you're seeing when your brother goes clubbing or your sister disrespects your mother, etc.....

Allah SWT says, “…but Allah has endeared to you the faith and has made it pleasing in your hearts and has made hateful to you disbelief, defiance and disobedience. Those are the guided.” [Al-Hujurat 49:7]

But...cutting off ties with them is a different matter.

You know it and I know it. It's haram.

There is only one exception: you can cut family ties temporarily IF you believe that will help them realize the gravity of their sins/ the extent of their wrongdoing and encourage them to return to Allah's path. If, on the other hand, you believe that it will only make them persist in their sins, then you are obligated to keep advising them.

Let me give you some fatwas:

1. This person's Uncle does riba which is known to be a "war against Allah". He's in debt and continues to take loans/ etc. http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php?page=showfatwa&Option=FatwaId&Id=87124

  If cutting relations with him would make him stop dealing with usury and interest, then you should cut relations with him.

However, if cutting relations with him, renders him stubborn and makes him extend his dealings in falsehood, then you should not cut relations with him but rather continue advising him. 

2.This person's sister married a Christian man who converted just for her sake and doesn't actually practice Islam. (Her marriage then is completely invalid) http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php?page=showfatwa&Option=FatwaId&Id=88721

I know that bringing your siblings back into your life and talking to them might make your life "more difficult", but that's where the test lies for you. 

Did you know that the prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam said:

"The believer who mixes with people and is patient in the face of their offense is preferable to the believer who does not mix with people and is not patient with their offense"

What about if these people are your siblings?

You don't have to be their best friend....but it is important not to completely cut the ties off.

Just saying at least "Asalamu aliakum" when you see them, sending them a message to their mobile, praying for them, giving them a book as a tape, making cupcakes for them, etc. 

In fact, as I type this, I'm reminded of a story.

You know the story of Abu Sufyan? Abu Sufyan was actually the Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam's cousin as well as his foster brother. Growing up, they had a strong relationship....And then, Prophet Mohammed began to deliver the message of Islam. That's when everything changed. Abu Sufyan did everything in his power to stop him. He literally became known as the arch-enemy of Islam. Imagine your cousin literally starting a war against you, trying to kill you, writing poetry against you...abusing you and doing everything in his power to ruin you. 

This continued year after year.

We're talking 20 years.

And then.....subhanAllah....Allah guided Abu Sufyan to accept Islam.

When he went to the Prophet to announce his conversion, the prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam really couldn't look him in the eyes (because of everything he had done to him). Prophet Mohammed urned away from him. Abu Sufyan tried again and again Prophet Mohammed turned away and didn't meet his eyes.

This happened for a couple of days...And then: (I'm copy pasting this part: http://www.islamonline.com/news/articles/7/Abu_Sufyan_ibn_alHarith.html)

Abu Sufyan sat down at the door of the tent of Prophet Mohamed (PBUH) and his son Jafar stood beside him. But still Prophet Mohamed (PBUH) rejected to look at him.
The situation became too much for Abu sufyan and he said: By God, either the Prophet, peace be on him, shows he is pleased with me or I shall take my son and go wandering through the land until we die of hunger and thirst.
When Prophet Mohamed heard this, he relented and on leaving his tent, he looked more gently towards me then before. I so much hoped that he would smile.
Eventually Prophet Mohamed (PBUH) relented and told Abu Sufyan, "There is now no blame on you."
The Prophet then called Ali ibn Abi Talib who had newly embraced Islam and told him:
"Teach your cousin how to perform wudu and about the Sunnah. Then bring him back to me."
When Ali returned, the Prophet said: "Tell all the people that the Messenger of God is pleased with Abu Sufyan and that they should be pleased with him."

Imagine!

No matter what your siblings have done to you or your mother or to your family name, did they attack the Messenger of Allah? Did they attack Allah? Did they deny His existence? Abu Sufyan did that for yearsssssssssss, but in becoming a Muslim, he was guaranteed the rights of a Muslim (and the rights of the kinship ties).

Your siblings' rights in Islam are that you talk to them and that you keep trying to help them. Whenever you feel how hard it is to do that, remember the Prophet sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam and all that he went through.

And remind yourself of this:

Allah is ""Al Baseer". He is watching you and your siblings. 

Every act of obedience you show Him, every time you try to talk to your siblings, every time you try to patch things up, advise them, etc.- Allah knows. And rest assured that He will never let any of your acts go unrewarded. 

…and whatever good you put forward for yourselves - you will find it with Allah. Indeed, Allah of what you do, is Seeing. (2: 110)

You see? Allah will never let your efforts and deeds go to waste. NEVER. 

I also want you to imagine this was a test paper. And your teacher told you that the last page was one of the most important pages. Would you deliberately skip it? The kinship ties is so important in Islam that Allah linked His relationship to His servants with their relationship with their relatives. He warned that if someone severed it, He would sever His relationship with them:

Bukhari :: Book 9 :: Volume 93 :: Hadith 593

Narrated Abu Huraira:Allah’s Apostle said, “Allah created the creation, and when He finished from His creation the Rahm (womb) got up, and Allah said (to it). “Stop! What do you want? It said; “At this place I seek refuge with You from all those who sever me (i.e. sever the ties of Kinship.)” Allah said: “Would you be pleased that I will keep good relation with the one who will keep good relation with you, and I will sever the relation with the one who will sever the relation with you. It said: ‘Yes, ‘O my Lord.’ Allah said (to it), ‘That is for you.” And then Abu Huraira recited the Verse:– “Would you then if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship.” (47.22)

Imagine all your praying and fasting and wearing the hijab.......Will that amount to anything if your relation is severed with Allah?

Your siblings will be fully accountable in front of Allah for their actions and the way they treat your mother, etc. But you will also be accountable for your actions, towards them, too.

So for now, I want you to try sister to sit down and try to remember a time when you truly loved them...when they stood by you or when you guys used to play together. I want you to focus really hard on what is at stake here (your own Hereafter) and on the punishment and reward of the kinship ties.

And just try....one more time :) 

Oh and before I go...one last thing. You know how you said your sister  has no sense of identity": did you ever try to understand why she is like that? Do you think she likes not knowing "who she is" or "what her identity is"? Try to befriend her and be there for her. Share some funny youtbue videos, great links, offer to go shopping with her...Let her know that you are here to help her. She might think that right now she doesn't need you, but  a few years from now, I bet you that she will be so grateful that you stood by her during these turbulent years. 

With all my love, 

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And the tears roll down

I have this serious problem that I'm very impatient and ungrateful. Every time something starts to go wrong, e.g. if I can't manage to study enough for a test and I'm worried) I first try to control myself, but eventually fail. I start to cry whenever I'm under pressure, and when I start crying I can't control my thoughts anymore. Is crying at such small things considered ungratefulness? (Please answer this, because crying is such a relief at times, and it wins me attention from my Mama =p but you need stimulus for crying; and the stimulus is always all the self-imagined bad things in your life). Eventually Allah Ta'ala always helps me out, and then I'm so ashamed. I'm living a very comfortable life, alhamdolillah, and get so worked up at these small things-- a fight with a family member, studies... And I shudder to think what will become of me if Allah (na oodho billah) gives me an actual loss, how will I pass that test with sabr when I fail so miserably in these little ones?

Dear Sis,

MashaAllah tabark Allah, it’s wonderful that you recognize you have a little problem on your hands and are trying to figure out how to overcome it. So, sis, it sounds like when things get just a little tough, you have a little trouble accepting it. Crying isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I tried searching for any fatwa but didn’t find anything saying that it’s haram.  Tears release stress and sometimes a good cry is just what you need. But the question though is…. just how often are you doing it? And what kind of thoughts are running in your head?

See, sis, Islam is not about denying your feelings. All of us feel unsure, scared, worried, nervous, disappointed, etc. at different points in our lives. What Islam is about, though, is empowering ourselves using our faith. Islam wants us to grow as individuals, to focus on what truly matters (succeeding in the Hereafter), and to step up and take charge of changing the world and ourselves. We’re told that a stronger Muslim is better in the sight of Allah and in both there is good. And we’re also told that if we see something wrong, we have to try to change it using our hands, tongue, or at least hate it with our heart. If we have to change the outside, then, we definitely are responsible for our “insides."

But that’s not all. Remember, Islam is about submission. Submission involves making God the center of our lives and voluntarily surrendering our will to Him. Part of submission means that our hearts feel “rida” or acceptance of anything that Allah decrees for us, even if it something that we don’t necessarily want. The more that we submit to God, the more that we grow stronger and we reveal our trust and confidence in Allah…we truly become slaves. You know when a father throws his child in the air up above? If you look at the child’s face, it’s all trust. He knows his father is going to catch him. That’s how we’re supposed to be…full of trust that Allah is going to catch us.  

See, sis, Allah makes it very clear that we will all be given tests in this world….the question is how will we deal with these tests?

Verily We have created man into toil and hardship. (90:4)

Do people think that they will be let go merely by saying: “We believe,” and that they will not be tested, (2) for We indeed tested those who went before them? (29: 2, 3)

But He also tells us something really important. He says:

Allah does not impose on any self any more than it can bear…(2: 286)

Think about that. Allah has promised that He will never give you more than you can bear. If you are given a test, you can get through it. You will. Just turn to Him, the Most Powerful.

Remember Prophet Abraham?

He was thrown into what scholars say was a HUGE HUGE HUGE fire.

It should have burned his skin. It should have completely killed him.

But he turned to Allah and Allah got him through it.

What about Prophet Moosa and his people? Fir’awan was right behind them! Yet Allah was closer (in His power, Seeing, Hearing, etc.) and He had the sea split to let Moosa and his people escape unharmed.

This is a law of Allah: No matter what you’re given, He will get you through it, so long as you turn to Him, trust in Him, and seek His help.

And sister, remember this. The Prophet told us some magical words:

How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affairs are all good, and this applies to no one but the believer. If something good happens to him, he is thankful for it and that is good for him. If something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience and that is good for him.” (Narrated by Muslim, 2999).

The truth is, sis, as we grow older, sis, we realize that this life gets harder. Parents start to grow older and more dependent on us. Little by little, we find ourselves in charge of financial responsibilities that we never thought of before. At work, we may find that our employer is not as understanding as we thought. If we have spouses/ children, we have to give more and more of ourselves. I’m not trying to tell you things are going to get worse. What I am trying to tell you, though, is that all of these little “tests” you’re going through are building blocks to help you be able to grow so that you can handle what is to come. Allah is training you, developing your muscles, and building up your endurance. This is actually an example of His Mercy. So when something happens, we should actually feel thankful.

And then, let’s not forget the biggest reason we should feel thankful. Allah is trying to keep us connected to Him. He wants us to keep focused on Him, to turn to Him, to ask Him to help us. Allah knows that it’s easy to get seduced by this world and to forget the next when everything is going so perfectly.   

So now! What should you do?

1. The first thing you need to do is get to know more about Allah..Build your trust in Him by becoming familiar with His Names. Al Hakeem, Al Lateef, Al Wakeel, Ar-Raheem will never let you down. I recommend these videos: 

2. The second thing you should do is make dua :) 

Try saying this dua:

Our Lord, do not take us to task if we forget or make a mistake! Our Lord, do not place on us a load like the one You placed on those before us! Our Lord, do not place on us a load we have not the strength to bear! And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy on us. You are our Master , so help us against the people of unbelievers. (Surat al-Baqara, 286)

3. Third of all, start your day by putting your trust in Allah. Recite the morning adkhar:

Hasbiyallaahu laa 'ilaaha 'illaa Huwa 'alayhi tawakkaltu wa Huwa Rabbul-'Arshil-'Adheem .

Allah is sufficient for me . There is none worthy of worship but Him . I have placed my trust in Him, He is Lord of the Majestic Throne . (Recite seven times in Arabic .)

Reference:
Allah will grant whoever recites this seven times in the morning or evening whatever he desires from this world or the next, Ibn As-Sunni (no. 71), Abu Dawud 4/321. Both reports are attributed directly to the Prophet j§ (Marfu1). The chain of transmission is sound (Sahih). Ibn As-Sunni.

4. Have a list of verses that you, personally, find comforting ready for you to read or an inspirational story of a Companion, etc. by your bedside/ on your mobile/ etc. Make the effort now to compile a list so that when something happens, you can just quickly read through them and strengthen your faith

Now, if something does go “wrong”, focus on how to make it right. It doesn’t do much good to think about how the situation is spiraling downward. That just stresses you out even more. Instead, ask yourself what are the different steps you can take to change the situation and make it better. Think up a plan, with small steps that you can follow. You mentioned sometimes you don’t get to study enough for a test. It happened once, that’s okay. Consider it a lesson. But then, figure out how to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Set up study goals, find a study buddy, ask beforehand for when you can expect a test, etc. 

And when you start thinking of things you’re upset about, challenge yourself to remember what you DO have :)

Well sister, these are some small ideas and I hope they help you a bit.

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