Did I just Say That?

>> Friday, March 11, 2011

I have a problem with backbiting. I'm not necessarily fake, but I say stuff about people that they won't necessarily like. I try to stop, but it's such a problem that I do it without thinking. :/ Soo...do you have any suggestions to help me?

Dearest Reckless,

It is FANTASTIC that you recognize you have a little problem. I know many of us girlies have this problem, so it's a good thing you sent it in. I myself lately have been having this problem, so I'm speaking to myself first!

OKay, so first thing's first. What you said-- about saying 'things that the people may not necessarily like- that actually IS the Islamic definiton of backbiting.

The Prophet Sallah Allahoo alyhee wa salam said:

“Do you know what backbiting is?”
They said: “Allaah and His Messenger know best.”
He said: “Mentioning your brother with that which he dislikes.”

It was said to the Prophet (Salla Allaahu ‘Alayhi wa sallam): “Even if what I mention about my brother is true?” He (Salla Allaahu ‘Alayhi wa sallam) said:

"If what you have said concerning him is true, then surely you have backbitten him; and if what you said isn’t true, then surely you have slandered him.”

So, even though it might be true what you're saying, it's still not really okay to say..

With that said, here's what we gotta do.

1. TRY admitting to 'one of these persons' one thing that you said that you think they may not like.

So did you press the X button on the browser, or what?

Seriously, just try imagining telling one of those persons what you said.

Think how much harder it will be on the Day of Judgment. You see, sins against people are very much different from sins against God. Sins against God require only repenting and asking God to forgive you. Sins against people require that you ask them to forgive you. Not a very easy thing to do, right? Like if you steal something, it's not enough to ask Allah to forgive you, but you HAVE to return the money (if possible).

Now, I will be honest and say though that there is a bit of disagreement when it comes to 'backbiting'. Some scholars have said that is necessary to seek the forgiveness of the person you have backbited against while others have stated it is alright not to actually admit what you said but to pray for him/her and mention good things about him/her. In any case, just think about 'how terrible it would be' if you actually did have to admit what you said?

Can you imagine their faces? Would you guys still be friends?

2. "Punish" yourself. You see, so many of us have habits we do not like, but we're a little easy on ourselves. Decide on something you'll have to do if you do say something a little 'bad' about someone....Now, I don't mean that you whip yourself or anything like that....more like, you have to give a few dollars of charity...something that will make you more 'aware' and 'conscious' of what you're saying...

3. Reward yourself. If you go through a week or month without saying anything, give yourself a little treat :)

4. Fast! Really. Most of us are better people when we fast and we avoid saying bad things because we know how they 'nullify' or rather 'ruin our fasts'....Try fasting once a week and see how that goes.

5. What is that one thing you're really sensitive about? Like your nose? Hair? Toes? Your voice? Whatever it is, imagine someone talking about it. You wouldn't really like it, would you? Put yourself in that person's shoes...Did you ever make a mistake and have everyone talk about it? It's no picnic, is it?

6. If there's something you really want to get off your chest, write it down. Like "OH, this teacher is really driving me nuts." Write it on a piece of paper that no one is going to see. Then, write TWO or three good things about that person. If you can write more, BETTER!

Then, Breathe in and breathe out. And throw that paper away.

Tell yourself, "OKay, got that out of my system now..."

7. Check these links out : Say No to Cannibalism


May Allah make allow us to guard our tongues better and love for our sisters and brothers what we love for ourselves.

5 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Sara March 11, 2011 at 12:48 PM  

Assalaam Alaikum,

That was, as always, excellent advice! MashaAllah. I believe the first step towards rectifying negative behavior is understanding that one has a problem, and trust me dear reckless, you're not alone! Insha'Allah, I hope the advice helps. =)

By the way, the video in the first link shared is a scary, but necessary reminder. JazakAllah khair for this excellent post Little Auntie.

Anonymous,  March 11, 2011 at 6:29 PM  

Assalam alaik aunties,

Woah, love your no. 7! We can list a litany of someone's faults but not able to list even one of their good qualities! That's something we should work on, me too especially subhan Allah :/

A Friendly Stranger March 18, 2011 at 6:22 AM  

As Salaamu Alaikum Wa Rahmathullahi Wa Barakatahu..... I have been having this problem too... and thing is... I have tried staying away from this sickness... but I keep falling in shaitaans trap.. Audhubillah!!!! but I tottaly like your point no. 6... InshaAllah will try to do that in the future... InshaAllah!!! Anyhoo am determined to get rid of this habit.

DaisyChainSister,  June 26, 2012 at 3:42 PM  

As-Salamu Alaikum

This comment really struck a chord! I mean, trying to stop is HARD (ER than I expected)but Inshallah I too will get over this problem!
I really love your blog, it has helped me through some hard times- keep up the good word Inshallha.
PS: This might sound sorta dumb, but how to you actally ask questions on this?
Wa- Aalikum Salam :)

Little Auntie June 27, 2012 at 9:52 AM  

wa'alykum as salam!

DaisyChainSister, I really appreciate your comment :D
Actually, that doesn't sound dumb, at all. I put up the contact page at the beginning of the month when we are ready to accept questions. When we get enough questions, I remove the page :)

You can try sending an email to dearlitteauntie@gmail.com, though and I'll see what we can do for ya :)

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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