Mr. Groom....lives in America...

>> Thursday, March 17, 2011

Assalamwalikum dear kind sister, My question is related to marriage. I'm 19 and i live in a muslim country, a few months back i started the hijab and the abaya Allhamdulilah. I have recently received a proposal from America. The guy is a practising muslim and he respects my doing the hijab, i havent met him in person yet as he will be coming here in a month inshAllah i spoke to him on email just once. My worry is moving to America, living there with the hijab and abaya i think it'll be really hard not just that but following my deen in a non muslim country, i dont want any hinderence in my deen and inshAllah i also plan on doing the niqab in the future. Is it easy to live in a nonmuslim country? my other worry is living in a joint family considering the brother in law is also a na-mahram, I belong to a broken family my parents recently got divorced and ive never understood marriage. I do have a good feeling about this proposal in my heart but Allah The Almighty knows best. Jazakillah Khairun for your time and may Allah tallah bless you with the best of both worlds,Aameen :)
waiting for your reply.
lots of love, remember me in your duas.  striving Muslimah.

wa'alykum as salam wa rahamatullah wa barkatoo, dearest Striving Muslimah!!

Ma'shaAllah sister on being 19 and wearing the abaya!!  That's fantastic! ma'shaAllah! 

I'm sorry to hear though that your parents got divorced, but inshaAllah, it was for the best. And I understand completely what you mean about not really having understood marriage. While a lot of parents don't get divorced and choose to 'stick it out', most of us have seen/ heard things that really don't fit the idea of marriage. And unfortunately, these things can 'cloud' our judgment on marriage...

But the reality is that marriage can be a wonderful thing. Love within the realms of marriage is beautiful, especially when both partners are well informed of Islam. When you read about what the Prophet (sallah Allah alayhee wa salam) used to do with his wives (May Allah be pleased with them)- like the way he used to always turn the cup to drink from the exact place Aisha drank from/ the way he raced her/ how he used to help around the house, or the way he joked with his wives- it makes you realize that marriage can be wonderful (spoken like a true 'single' girl, right :P Hahah!). 

You just have to prepare for it....Just like you get  a 'driving license' and that kinda thing. It's so important you read more about your Islamic obligations, make a sincere intention that your marriage is for Allah's sake and that you want to raise a Muslim family, and that you read some marriage help books...Check out books on how men think vs. women (like "Women are from Mars and Men are From Venus). Get to know the differences in language, thinking, etc. between men and women...BEFOREhand. Prepare yourself by watching things like Baba Ali's series on marriage: Watch lectures, too. Read Megan Wyatt's advice....http://www.askmeganwyatt. com 

As for this specific suitor...

  We all fear the unknown.....You haven't met him, yet, and I'm sure once you meet him and talk to him, things will get a lot clearer/ fall into place (whether you should marry him or not)....

 With that said, though, let's get to the root of your question --- he lives all the way in America and you live in an Islamic country.

I have to be honest with you!  I only lived in America when I was a kid. I spent my childhood there...that's I don't really know how difficult it would be. Have you always lived in an Islamic country? Have you ever visited a non-Muslim country? You might discover that things are vastly different'- "the way people dress on the streets/ the amount of fitna around you/ the fact that you have to check the food you're eating if it's halal or not/ possibly very quiet and lonesome Eids/ etc." 

But it depends....on where exactly he lives. You need to talk to him about that- does his city have a 'vibrant' Muslim community? Is it normal for women to wear scarves there? Does he have a sister? Does she wear hijab? Would you be stared at if you wore abayah? Look up the city. Research it....are there any Muslim schools?  Are Muslim conventions held there? How many masjids are there? Any place that sells halal food near by?  Is there a place for your children to learn about the deen? The more informed you are- the better. 

You also need to talk to him about how you want to wear niqab. It's important that anything like that is mentioned from the beginning- because not all guys are open to that idea..(trust me :P) If this is something you feel strongly about (and not just something you're kinda still unsure of), then it's very important that you know his opinion beforehand. 

I'm guessing this also means you'll be living away from your family, which is something else you need to think about. You need to find out if he'd be willing to visit your family?And does that mean once a year- or once every five years? 

What else? Well, have you tried istikharah? That is the most important thing to do. Ask Allah to let it happen if he is good for you and to keep him away from you if he is bad for you. Allah will never fail you :)  

As for joint families, you need to make that clear with him. Brothers in law are definitely non-mahram and we have a clear hadith warning against the brothers- in law. Ask the Scholar. So you need to make sure that Mr. Groom is aware of that because there are a lot of cultural ideas that people have that are wrong.

Well, sister, I hope that kind of make things clearer for you. I know- you sent one question and I'm sending you back many....but these are things you need to really think about. Keep us updated with what happens. 

Anyone who has had this experience or who lives in the West and wears abayas/etc., PLEASE share your thoughts :) Jazakun Allah koli khair. 

the little aunties. 

ETA: the fatwa on brothers in law is no longer available. You can check this out instead:

6 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Unknown March 17, 2011 at 4:06 AM  

Istekhara for marriage. Best solution!

Sy March 17, 2011 at 12:27 PM  

Thanks for the lovely comment you left on my blog

sahar,  March 18, 2011 at 12:40 PM  

aslamu aialkum
i currently live in america, i was born and raised here but when i got married i lived in jordan for year there i became mi7ajbe and i learned alot more about our deen. when i came here and saw all the non-muslims it was as if i had never been here before, i was now looking at it from a mit7ajbe point of view, and it was a slap in the face to see how these non-mit7ajbat were dressing. as much as i learned in jordan about my deen i really felt like i learned more here. in america i had living proof on why we shouldnt dress and do the things they do. i also sometimes where the abaya and i feel very comfortable in it i never got teased on or anything. i live in new york and there is a large muslim population here and there is masjids,muslim schools,meat markets, even salons for met7ajbat. i see met7ajbat all the time. In america people are more open to all diffrent culturs and religons and nobody relay cares what people wear. i would definatly suggest praying salat al isti5ara, before making your decision.

Anonymous,  March 23, 2011 at 8:23 PM  

Assalamu alaikum,
I live in the U.S., in a smaller, southern (Republican) state. But, alhamdulillah, I also live in a college town, which means people are more open-minded. I started wearing hijab & abaya when I was 16. I wear dark colors(usually only black), with no embellishments. Alhamdulillah, I have never had any problems with wearing the abaya. I also would like to wear niqab, and inshaAllah I am working on that. And like I said, I've never had a problem with it, maybe it's because I don't pay attention to what others think of me (with regards to hijab :P). Just remember that you do this for the sake of Allah and to Him we shall return.

NeverEver March 25, 2011 at 12:59 AM  

This anonymous girl sounds like a girl from my hometown :-) mashaAllah
Allahu alem, maybe it is her but I agree with her and the other ladies who have posted.
It depends a lot on which area you live in. Some places have BIG muslim populations mashaAllah and it will be just as if you were home, while other places have only one or two muslims.

Muminah inshallah November 23, 2011 at 6:58 PM  

Assalama Aalykum sister, I also live in America. My state does not have very much Muslim. Alhamdullah, I become more closer to Allah (s.w.t) in the last years of my college year. I always wore hijab ever since I was little Alhamdullah but I started to wear Abaya in the last years of college.Alhamdullah, I did not find any difficultly and I actually felt very comfortable in the abaya because I did not worry about if my clothes are lose or not. I would say that the most important people who if they are comfortable with your muslim identity that matters will be your husband's family that you will be living with because what hurts the most is when other muslims especially family when they do not understand when one tries to become a better Muslim. Inshallah Good Luck:)

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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