>> Thursday, March 31, 2011
Assalamu'alaykum dear sisters:)
First of all, Alhamdulillah for me coming across your wonderful blog:) you may not be giving fatwas, but Masha Allah you have great advice:) Thankyou, may Allah reward you in the best of ways!
My question is about marriage. I'm 19, and there has been a proposal for me. You see, whenever i discuss the marriage idea with my close sister, we don't seem to be having trouble picturing how married life should be in Islam lol. :) But now that I suddenly have a proposal, im freaking out! Like, it feels so sudden, i don't really know how to handle it. I know how we should go about getting to know the guy..but my question would be however about how a marriage should be conducted. If im going to get married, should i hold a feast? Im an Indian (as in my race is indian) from Singapore, and the indian Muslim community here..I don't really like the way marriages are held here. Together with the feast, there's also loud music, flirting..basically kind of alot of haram going on. How should a Muslim couple go about having a proper wedding approved within the context of Islam? And, Masha Allah, im scared of how to go about telling my parents about my decision not to have the typical Indian Muslim Marriage here too. So far, i've tried search websites about how it should be held, but i can't find clear advice. Jazakallah Khair Akhowaatii :) <3
Love, Princess S.
Dearest Princess S,
Wa'alykum as salam wa rahmatullah wa barkatoo :)
This is really exciting! And nerve wracking…and just soOo exciting….But yeah, I know what you mean about it being sudden; proposals usually always are. It’s like one day you’re totally single and the next day you’re suddenly ‘thinking about becoming this guy’s wife!’ But don’t worry. You just got to pray istikharah. And remember, don’t be ‘too hasty’. If you need a few extra meetings and some more time to make your decision, feel free to ask the other family to give you that. Really.
On to the question! Well, my dear, Indian weddings sound like Egyptian weddings. Yeah, not exactly the ideal Islamic weddings. It’s great you want an Islamic one, though, ma’shaAllah!
So what constitutes an Islamic wedding? How does a couple go about having a proper wedding approved within the context of Islam?
In my opinion, probably the safest way to have an Islamic wedding is not to have it mixed. That way, the ladies and men won’t get to flirting, and you can also be sure that the ladies aren’t dressed in a way that is inappropriate in front of men. And yeah...no dancing...
What else? Well, there’s the issue of music like you said. An Islamic wedding shouldn’t have inappropriate music; that’s not to say that it doesn’t have duff/ nasheeds/ and that kinda thing, but there are certain songs that shouldn’t really be ‘played’.
Another thing you might want to make sure is that you start the wedding and end it at appropriate times so that nobody can really ‘blame’ the wedding on ‘not praying’; the idea is don’t keep it going all the way till 3 and fajr is at 4 (and everyone goes to sleep exactly at 3:30 missing fajr).
Some other ideas to keep it Islamic can be found in this great article called Throwing a Muslim wedding: Common Mistakes in a Muslim Wedding”.
Now, how do you tell your parents that you want an “Islamic wedding”.
Well, first broach the topic of the proposal. Ask them what they think of the suitor. Talk about the fact that the man’s religion and character are the most important things to you. Make sure they understand where you are coming from- that religion matters to you :)
Then, move on to the topic of the wedding. Tackle the ‘easier’ parent first, hehe. If it’s your mom, maybe bring up a wedding you guys went to together that you felt was o.k. but needed a little improving. I mean really sit down and analyze the factors with her. Talk to her about how you were upset that some people (and be general here and not specific so that it’s not backbiting, like don’t mention the actual names) took that wedding as an opportunity only to flirt and how you really don’t want that in your wedding. See what she says. If she says ‘she didn’t see anyone flirting/ what’s the harm in flirting’, just explain that you saw some inappropriate behavior and you want as much as possible to avoid having that kind of stuff in your wedding.
Before you start to give her more details of the kind of wedding you want, be sure to explain that you want to be happy in your wedding and you want your family to be happy and you want all the guests to be happy….and most of all, you want Allah to be happy. You want it to be an occasion to celebrate not only in this life but in the next (where you will see your book of deeds). She might say that’s what she wants too; then, you mention that possibly you have a slightly different version of what will make a ‘good wedding’.
Then picture for her your ideal wedding …
And start talking to your dad, too (or the more difficult parent).
If they seem very reluctant or are asking you the question “What the heck are we doing to do in your wedding”, just explain that you’re still going to have fun. You're still going to put up decorations, eat yummmmy food, listen to nasheeds, and talk and laugh. You might even want to bring up the point that the ladies might appreciate the chance to dress up and get their hair done (whereas in a mixed wedding, they’d have to wear their hijab on). Talk about how you guys could have some fun activities. You could have maybe some kinda powerpoint presentation with old photos of you, hehe (again, how this wouldn’t be possible for you if it was mixed) or even a small little Islamic sermon (humorous but with a good advice too).
If you have any aunties/ relatives/ religious friends that are your parents friends, too that might be able to convince your parents, enlist them, too :P Hehe.
It's important that you bring up the point that the wedding itself affects the marriage; starting one’s wedding by pleasing Allah and having a wedding that is Islamic better ensures Allah’s blessings, inshaAllah. And don't they want your marriage to be blessed by Allah? :)
Mention how they got to plan their wedding and how this is your dream wedding and you really really want it ….And if they still seem unconvinced, talk to them about how you and Mr. Groom believe that this is important.
Yeah, speaking of that, you are going to have to discuss this with Mr. Groom. After you’ve agreed on the major issues, inshaAllah, you should talk about what he thinks/ expects of the wedding, etc.
I want to be clear though that you do not make this your focus point (that Mr. Groom wants that) because your parents should understand that it comes from YOU and not from him; that way, if it doesn’t work out with this groom, they’ll still understand that this is the type of wedding you want.
But yeah, ideally, if you as a couple decide you want an islamic wedding and stand your ground, your wishes (read again: ideally), should be respected.
So, that's what I would do. I don't know if this was much help but this is how I would approach my parents. inshaAllah the readers can provide us with some more tips, too :) May Allah let everything work out perfectly :)
Lots of love,
P.s. these are two very funny vidoes that I find relevant ..