Just Married.

Asslamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatu auntie :)

i'm 18, i've been married for for nearly 4 months, i live with my husband far away from home.

Alhamdulillah, my husband is a pious man and sincerely loves me. And i love him even more. masha Allah.

i'm the only girl and youngest child in my family. i'm very attached to my family, home and especially my mother. this marriage has made me to change from a kid to a full time house wife, i'm also pregnant. so, Alhamdulillah, i have managed to adopt to that Huge change with Allah's grace. i work harder than i ever did in my life. i spend more time alone than i ever did in my life. Alhamdulillah i'm coping. i do it all with no complaints for the sake of Allah, and i try to be as patient as i'm capable of.

but sometimes it's just SO hard to bear! that i cant help but cry. sometimes i wish for a little understanding from my husband. a little help around the house. i don't want him to cut the vegetables for me but it would mean so much to me if he would just come, stand in the kitchen beside me and talk to me.

Or like, share with me of something he eats or drinks. sharing has so much barakah in it. do some thing together like cleaning or reading. (we do pray together) Take me out every weekend, atleast. it's not easy being home all day and night. i wish he would spend quality time with me, like going for a walk, or just sit down and communicate with me, for at least half an hour. i feel like he hasn't quite become a husband; he spends a lot of time studying (he is student of islamic reveled knowledge by the way) and most of the day on his laptop. there i am, waiting for him to return from class, after spending several hours alone in a fairly big apartment and when he's home, he goes straight to his laptop. Being pregnant, does not make this easy. my mood swings like wild. i'm touchy about everything. i don't understand why he doesn't care whether i have food on time or eat enough vegetables and fruits and drink enough milk. it's silly, i know. but it is these little things that matter to me. A woman's prior need is after all emotional.

but my love for him does not let me express my needs to him. i can be patient, but being patient with these things does not help me be happy. i feel like i'm bottling it all up and i spill it when i cry. and i cry loads.

i took almost a month to be free with him, i'm a very shy girl, very, very shy. and i don't want to ask him for these things, i don't want to be the nagging, complaining wife and i much rather he does them from his heart, because he cares for me.

i know this is silly but it bothers me and i was hoping you could give me some advice.

just so you know,i still love him like crazy.

Alhamdulillah.
Signed,
Just married.

Dearest Just Married,

Wa’alykum as salam wa rahmatuallah wa barakatoo!

 Let me start off by saying MashaAllah on your marriage and mabrook on your pregnancy! May Allah shower your marriage with His blessings and may He grant you a full term pregnancy, with an easy labor, and a healthy baby. May your baby be a source of pride to his parents and a leader of this Ummah :)

Your letter was sooooo touching in its honesty and sincerity. You can tell that you dearly love your husband, ma’shaAllah and just wanna be with him.  

And since you said that you live far away from your folks, I can imagine how quiet and lonesome it must get during the day and how you probably count down the minutes for your husband to come home and talk to you….only to have him turn to the laptop.

So what to do?

Well, I’m no expert (not having gotten married, myself) but here’s what I think.

I think that sometimes we have to help our loved ones out a bit….and tell them what we want and what matters to us. Your husband probably has no idea that you’re sitting down, craving a talk with him. He thinks “I’m at home, studying and my wifey is making my home all perfect…Aaaah, life couldn’t get any better”.  

So you need to give him a little tip….clue him in on what you’re feeling. I know you said you’re shy and that you don’t want to seem like you’re nagging…and I understand what you mean about ‘wanting it to come from him’, but let me tell you something.

Some women wait an awful long time for it to ‘come from their guy’…

Like three children later….

Like a whole lifetime.

Do you really want to wait that long?

And let’s break it down a bit, okay? Let’s analyze it a bit more…

Say your guy wanted to bring you a big big present to express his love for you. And he decided that of all things he was going to get you a new ….

Get ready for this….

An….

Ironing board.

Now, would that be what you wanted? I doubt it. But let’s imagine that he was smart enough to run the idea by you…and you had the chance to tell him “Sweetie, I’d rather we go out to dinner together”…

What do you think that would mean?

Would the fact that you  specified what you wanted take away from the fact that he really did want to get you something”?

Nopes. It wouldn’t. It would have just added direction (man, I’m taking this example pretty seriously. )

It’s the same thing, though.  I’m 100% sure your husband wants to make you happy and the last thing he has on his mind is to make you cry. But he just doesn’t know how to make you happy in the way you want. 

And just because you tell him that you ‘miss him’, ‘want to sit and talk with him’, doesn’t mean that when he does sit down with you, it doesn’t come from his heart.  It just means that you are showing him how to get it out of his heart; you're giving him a little direction with what is important to you.

You see, let’s be honest, my sis. You’re giving him a ‘little test’ each day, right (and this is something most of us women are guilty of in some way or another).  You think “Let’s see. Maybe today he’ll finally do it. He’ll sit down with me”…but each day he doesn’t. He keeps failing your test and you know why?

Because he doesn’t even see the ‘questions’ or have any idea what the right answers are’ (=to hang out with you).  You haven’t told him. Now tell me, sugar pie, does that really sound fair to him?

That’s why you should just do it.

You should have a heart to heart talk with him, and let him know that you miss him like crazy. When you do that, you clue him in on the questions and answers and more importantly,

•     1. Give him an opportunity to show his love to you
•     2.  Release the inner tension and bottled feelings that could very much turn into resentment and anger on the long run
•       3.  Allow your relationship to deepen and mature to a level where you can both express who you really are and where you feel safe enough to express your vulnerability.

Yes! inshaAllah this will all allow you to actually deepen your relationship! When you open up with him and really talk to him about your feelings, you express that you trust him enough to continue to love you and protect your feelings. 

You’re no longer acting out the roles of the ‘newlyweds’ or who you think the perfect wife is. You are showing who you truly are- and this gives you the chance to be each other’s true garments and partners, protecting each other and comforting each other.  

And that’s why there’s nothing wrong with saying what you feel. There’s just something wrong with saying it the wrong way. That’s all.

Like having a tantrum on the ground and kicking chairs or having a screaming match is not the way to go, right. Or being sarcastic like “Gee, is the laptop your second wife?” and that kinda thing. That won’t help.

All you have to do is tell him the way you told me!  I mean everything you said sounded so reasonable- to have an hour talk, to eat dinner together, to go out once a week. These are all great ideas and something you guys really should start to think about before baby comes along.

 If you’re too shy and you just cannot possibly  get yourself to ‘say these words out loud’, e-mail him or print it and put this letter next to his pillow. I am sure it will make his heart totally melt. What guy would not want to hear that his wife misses him and is totally in love with him?  

And  THEN….whenever he starts to forget it….you can start to think of some creative ways to remind him. 

For example…

• 1.      If you usually make him do the grocery, write on the bottom of the grocery list…”You” or something like that. 
• 2.      Make his desktop picture on his laptop a funny / sweet note from you and the baby ;)
• 3.      Bring out the candles and surprise him with a romantic dinner. Take the initiative!

As for being pregnant and he not asking you about what you eat/ caring/ that kinda thing, remember, in many ways, he feels like ‘an outsider’. He doesn’t have a baby in his body. You do- you feel all the differences…he maybe doesn’t. So get him involved. There’s a nice website “BabyCenter” that will help him get excited about it. Like the week by week e-mail thing they do.. http://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy#band1

- Think of names together.

- Ask him to recite Qur’an for the baby, 15 minutes each day or something like that.

- Maybe make a journal with your husband for your baby. Write letters to your baby! What do you want to 
teach him/ her? OR write some small Islamic stories for him/her.
- Read parenting books together. 

On the other hand, you can also try and get involved with his Islamic studies. Offer to test him on any material. Ask him to teach you some of the things he learns. Suggest you listen to some lectures together, etc. Quality time doesn’t have to mean that you are ‘talking and discussing things’ together; it can mean that you 
are doing things together.

And one last thing! Since you’re so away from ‘home’, have you gone to the masjid and met any girls? You could even visit the ‘local university’ and ask about the MSA. It’s important that you also build some new friendships, too.

Well sis, I hope this helps you out a bit and you realize that there’s a difference between nagging and expressing how you feel. Remember that your feelings are really important during pregnancy, too…so wipe 
your tears, sweetie and get ready for a new day =)

With love,

the little aunties

p.s. here’s an interesting list! http://www.marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-husband-his-way/ (100 ways to love your husband his way- although it seems like it’s a Christian website, much of it we can all learn from :D)