Picky Parents?

>> Friday, June 17, 2011

i know this is going to sound completely selfish of me, but my parents are driving me crazy! they won't let me do anything or go anywhere. it's like they don't trust me at all. what to do about strict parents?

hey im a 16 year old Muslim girl from bangladesh living in a well not so islamic country... really the only reason im muslim is because my parents are... when i was a kid my parents always taught me to respect and love everyone no matter what their religion or culture is .. but now they are like HARDCORE MUSLIMS
and i hate that.. sorry.. but i do
because i really want to be an actress and a model and they r like NO its harram and i hate that
acting is in my soul ... u know how u feel wen u worship ... well thats how i feel when i am on stage ..dancing,acting,sing is me! and my parents wanna take that away in the name of islam ...
i Love wat i do!
and also i am madly deeply truly in love with a half hindu half muslim guy
i love him i have for the past 5 years my parents dnt like him coz he is half hindu... i need help... i am confused..
i feel like allah made these rules to make me suffer like Allah hates me.. but as far as i know i never hurt anyone, never do anything wrong HARDLY EVER LIE.. i am a good person.. but if loving acting ,dancing,sing and being in love with someone is wrong then i feel like islam is kinda wrong ... 
i am sooo sorry i really dnt wnna hurt anyones feelings 
              -Don't Wanna Hurt Feelings... 

Assalamu Alaykum Sisters, 

Frustrated: I can really, properly understand your dire frustration. We've all been there and it really can be an annoying situation when you're not allowed to go somewhere. But you will be allowed some day, inshaAllah. Just wait for that day. That patience of yours will be rewarded sooo much! Because Allah knows how you feel. 
Look, you may feel 'Hey, I've never done anything to make them not trust me, WHY don't they trust me?!'
But there's more chance they DO trust YOU, but they don't trust the world.

And what's wrong with that. With all the danger and evil which inevitably exists in our world they want to protect you from that. You'll face it when you're older anyway, it doesn't mean you have to face it now.

Sometimes, you just have to breathe, trust your parent's judgement and find light in the situation.
Do something else fun, for example.
Start a blog, make a scrapbook, write, paint, read, do situps! Anything to let off some steam and realise you can find happiness in other things too. (: You can always try to reach a compromise with them, too. Like set a curfew. Agree to avoid going to certain places. Let them meet your friend's parents, too. Let them know who you are hanging out with :) and hey, if you can't go to the party, bring the party home? Why don't you ask your parents if you can invite a friend over to your house?

And remember :) Allah always has a plan, just trust His plan. And always have hope in the fact that this is for your betterment inshaAllah. (: In more ways we know, a frustrating situation becomes an immense blessing.

Don't Wanna Hurt Feelings: It's lovely that you're asking about this, meaning you do want to try to understand your parents? Because that's the best approach to go for, the empathetic one. Once you understand them more, and understand their reasons, it's easier to come to an understanding in yourself or easier to talk about a compromise.

In your situation though, your parents are very right. They want the best for you, honey. They want you to feel a peaceful, blissful contentment inside you which you can only receive from Islam.

Whatever high you feel with acting, I can assure you it is nothing at all like what you feel in prayer. But I have to be honest here. That is...if you know who you are praying to. Sis, you said that you're just Muslim because your parents are. Maybe that's the problem. Have you ever wondered who it is that you are praying to?

When you're praying, you're obeying Allah. You'e obeying the One who has given you health, food, a roof over your head, family, education and mashaAllah, sixteen years of LIFE.   Think about it.  Who has been there for you all these years?  You said that 'acting and singing makes you feel the way your parents feel when they pray". The question though isn't only about how it makes you feel. Worship is about doing what is pleasing to Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala.

Let me give you an example. Imagine your teacher gave you a simple assignment to read 5 notes a day. That's all she asked of you. And you decided that instead of doing that, you were going to write poems the whole day. What kind of grade would you get on the assignment? Did you do the assignment? See, you're forgetting that prayer is an assignment that we've been given by our Lord <3 

And you know what? Prayer is an obligatory act of worship- we do it not because Allah needs it from us- but because we need Him. We are in desperate need of guidance. 

Look at it in another perspective - maybe your parents aren't 'taking away your passions' but showing you something more important and rewarding. Something which will make you happier than you can ever imagine. Just think. What if you could talk to the president of your country and tell him all you wanted to tell him?  Now imagine that prayer lets you talk to the Lord of the Universe....You get to talk to Him and He listens to YOU :)

And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided. (2: 186)
Your parents simply want you to have a house in Jannah- paradise- where absolute bliss and happiness can be found. Honey, they care about you. They want you to be with them :)

Don't mistake their care for 'wrath'.

AS for the boy you like - how can he be 'half muslim'. Islam is more than just a part of life. Islam IS a life? 
In my opinion, you're either Muslim or not Muslim...I hope you understand my opinion. (: 
-He's not good for you, or your soul - and it may feel great but this feeling isn't true nor will it last. You're young now, so enjoy everything youth has to offer and crushes usually go by themselves if you don't give them too much importance.
-The 'space' of your life which he has filled up needs to be filled up with something else, which might make getting 'over him' easier. And I advise you to seek knowledge! It'll keep your mind occupied with things which will benefit you, inshaAllah. Spend time with your sisters - have some fun!

Let me tell you, you've been specially designed and created by The King of all Kings. By the Loving and by the Merciful, the Kind and the One who created us from a clot of blood...He has given you talents for a reason, yes, as blessings. But also as a test. To not act upon a desire even if we ace at it. Singing and dancing shouldn't be done in front of non-mehrams, hon. And I'm not your mum or dad telling you this. I'm a sixteen year old girl from a non-muslim country too.

These rules are there not to burden us, at all. But to protect us. It's just like how you listen to the 'street lights'. Do you cross the street when it's red? I bet not. Why not? Cuz you know that the rule there is meant to protect you. It's also like wearing a seat belt. Allah isn't trying to make you miserable. He's protecting you :)

Tell me, sweetie. How many people do you know who have suffered from a broken heart cause they got into a relationship without real commitment? Love is not forbidden in Islam- but it is meant to be within marriage- the only real institution that guarantees the protection and rights of both the wife and husband.

You know- it's basically all about trusting our Creator. Because, He must know what's better for us. He does love us. He loves you more than you could ever fathom to imagine. He created love, after all. He has blessed us with so many countless blessings. Don't forget that. Look all around you - everything you see can be a blessing if you see it that way.
From an old wrinkly lecturer, to a leaf in the wind - it can all be your teacher. It's all a GIFT from the MOST HIGH. :D


I guess it sounds you both seem to be having a problem with the 'rents. Let me remind you though, that the Quran mentions the importance of respect towards parents so many times. Allah (swt) has commanded us to obey and respect our parents and speak to them in a good manner with gentle kind words. Allah (swt) knows best and we must obey His commands. So, whether they tell you to clean your room or do your homework every night - or don't let you go out with your mates or make you go to that dinner party you didn't want to go to - we must obey them and respect them. They have lived a lot longer than us; and wisdom comes with age and experience - something we lack yet they don't.
Your patience will be rewarded, inshaAllah. 
Have Hope. Keep Hope.

And, Smile. (:

P.S. Note from Little Auntie: Allah subhanoo Wa' Tala says in the Quran:

We have not sent down to you the Qur'an that you be distressed/burdened (2) But only as a reminder for those who fear [Allah] - (3) A revelation from He who created the earth and highest heavens, (4) The Most Merciful [who is] above the Throne established. (5) To Him belongs what is in the heavens and what is on the earth and what is between them and what is under the soil. (6)And if you speak aloud - then indeed, He knows the secret and what is [even] more hidden. (7) Allah - there is no deity except Him. To Him belong the best names. (8) (Surat Taha) 

Islam wasn't meant to burden you, honey. 
You just gotta open your heart to the beauty of Islam. 

Keep in touch with us :D Wanna chat? :) Send me an e-mail and we'll figure out a time <3

11 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Hana,  June 17, 2011 at 10:57 PM  

I wrote a whole comment and the my connection went off. Sigh!
To Dont wanna hurt feelings,
I would like to tell you that even though dance could seem like everything to you it also has its bad side. Like music, it can suck you into a world where only that matters. You will end up dreamy and distracted, and may appear silly to others...sorta like George's scientist Dad in Famous Five: Queer!

I'll give you two examples for this:

One, an actress. She also explained this whole feeling alive on stage feeling and both the interviews I watched of hers she appeared quite dreamy and silly. Her co-actors also laughed at her many times and there was even a call-in interview where she started interrupting the caller by doing these dance movements...so not dignified.

She is a true beauty but she appeared so out of worldly.

Second example, a colleague of mine [catholic] who is a pianist. She got several warnings from the principal for doing sillly things and for acting all distracted. She always got into scrapes and was vulnerable to men as she believed in the whole mobie-love. This is bec she lived in a world of music and was always at the piano.

I hope u und what I am getting at...not good with giving advice lol

Hafsa NC,  June 18, 2011 at 12:24 AM  

You'll be okay dear. Inshaallah.
It's part of the test for us Muslims here in Dunya. :) okay? Like what the Lil aunties say, Just pray.

hm. I also love dancing. Unfortunately but fortunately, I'm not allowed to join such things. But It's for our own good. I also want to join military school here in our country. Well, its just that im bounded by my culture. But im fine with that! :D

ISLAM is the best religion. ISLAM is a way of life.

Anonymous,  June 18, 2011 at 12:47 AM  

Assalamualaikm wrmwbthu! MashaAllah, what wonderful adivce.
I am from Pakistan, and i want to share an experience we all shared - by "We" i mean all us Pakistanis - as a nation. I was born in 1991 and 90s was the decade when there was a "pop-sensation" at large. Junaid Jamshed. I was, obviously, a kid, but i belong to a family where music is listened to very often, more for soul soothing purposes. So, its like, i and my whole geeration, grew up listening to his music. This guy was so popular that even old women used to carry his photos in their purses, and people used to fawn over him so much. He and his band even made the song called "Dil Dil Pakistan" which ranks at number three in the list of most listened to songs of the WORLD. He made hit, and i mean, HIT albums, music, etc etc. Imagine how great it must have been for him. Music was probably the blood that ran through his veins. For an artist so great, and someone for who, ofcourse, music was the bread-earner, the real source of income. But may be i'm not being so accurate in describing his feelings, ofcourse, because it will be best to ask the artist himself, right?
Let me tell you, dear sis, that even I was - WAS- (Alhumdulillah) a person who used to listen to music eating, sleeping, waking. I had 5 GB of music in my computer and 3 GB, in my mp4. But when i came to the restrictions on music by the Almighty, i did leave it. Not altogether, in one day, but I did leave it largely, keeping the thought engraved in my brain that such music is Forbidden.
Coming back to the guy.
God is the Greatest.
Well after giving all these albums, at the pinnacle of his career, he left it. Yes. I read his interview and it's like he realized that what he was doing, however much he found pleasure in it (referring to what u said about connecting with your soul when you sing dance and act), he realized he was wrong. And you can imagine, it was not easy for him. Like there were his fans, frustrated at him leaving THEM in the middle of nowhere (apparantly), people calling him a hippocrite etc etc. Yet he left it.
And if he can leave something for the sake of Allah, so can I. so can YOU, hon!! As the Sister who Smiles says, "He has given you talents for a reason, yes, as blessings. But also as a test. To not act upon a desire even if we ace at it."

Anonymous,  June 20, 2011 at 9:22 AM  

Assalam u alaikum warahmatullah.

I would love if you listen to this:

Its called: Live your desires or Submit to Allah?

part 1- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OIJvw3b4dQ&playnext=1&list=PL85C2E4C0AD595754

part 2- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdLNv_D8hVY&playnext=1&list=PL85C2E4C0AD595754

My dear sis- just think about this, if nothing else. All these sisters here, so eager and enthusiastic to help you- they dont know you. They're doing it JUST for the sake of Allah SWT's Love. Imagine- it must be something so powerful and so wonderful that brings so many people together. That creates love and friendship between them. People take out their time and put in effort for others. They love you for the sake of Allah. Your being Muslim isnt an individual thing. You are part of our community :). If you sit and reflect on the love of Allah, you will never be able to grasp it, not even an atom worth. Because He just loves us beyond anything.

Find me someone else like my Lord- who tells you that take a step, I'll take 10; walk to Me, I'll run to you. All those functioning cells in your body which are allowing you to breathe, think, feel, love, touch, be.. just for a millionth of a sec- if they stop, who'll make them start again?

You know the amazing thing about being Muslim?

You are rewarded for everything! You face good times and say thanks- you get rewarded. You face bad times, and be patient- you get rewarded. Subhan Allah! :)

This is a religion that even rewards its believers for simply smiling!

I want you, my dear sister, to know that we are all here for you.

Anonymous,  June 20, 2011 at 9:33 AM  

Parents are the greatestttt blessing everrr!

If you don't believe me- walk up to an orphanage and see. Go to any person who's parent has recently died and see.

Forget even that- think about when you will become a mother. 9 months she bore you- there was so much pain. all those mood swings, all those hormones, that body expanding and never quite being the same again, the distress, the extreme pain of labor- such that you feel like you're tearing apart. And then more. The breast feeding, the nappy changes, the night-long crying and whimpering, the times when you were sick, the fights she had on behalf of you.... Oh God. One can never repay a single moment of what parents do for us even if we strive our whole life. so much worry, care, love they have for us. we are a part of them.

Imagine how you'd feel. when a part of your body becomes a person n begins to talk back to you, and question you and slam the door in your face. we came FROM them, they were the means through which we came into this world- they taught us to walk, they encouraged us to talk, they fed us, they rocked.

And if, IF they choose- if they think something isnt right for us, they'r doing it bcoz they CARE. i mean seriously, do u really think they'll just tell you not to go to some place because they CAN stop you? Perhaps to spite you? To show who's boss?

They LOVE us. And if they want to boss us around, well let them.

Even bossing us around, they have our best interests at heart. They choose to demand when you refuse their request. They choose to force when you refuse to accept their wisdom in not allowing you something.

Think. Maybe they have a reason. If you dont see any, ask them. If you still dont get it, be patient dearest sis and u will be rewarded beyond ur imagination insha Allah :)

<3 Hang in there, sis.

fatimah June 21, 2011 at 6:37 AM  

Assalam alykum. I want to leave a comment to give a comfort and advise even though I lack in knowledge:p
Parents... When I was young, I prayed to God in front of my parents to get a game machine. (at that time i was christian though) They didnt bought me the machine and it was a wise choice.:)
I maybe cried at that time...

and I also remember when my parents got really really angry to me... to know that i was hanging out with bad people. They are calm people and never get angry easily so far. tears in my eyes now :(
It took so much time to know that my parents were wise and were caring for me.
I bet you(questioners) will feel similar when you get older, insha Allah.
You will get the freedom when you got older, especially when you start work or live in far place. However it is not quite like you dreamed of... that was the way i felt.

to Don't Wanna Hurt Feelings sister,
I am book lover and so poor at singing;;;
so maybe i cant understand your feeling enough but-
there is a muslimah friend of mine who gave up playing piano. She was such a good pianist that many people called her to play piano. At certain point of her life, she knew that piano is haraam. She did Dua' great deal to Allah to stop playing piano. now she doesnt play it. AlhamduliLLAH...
so the love for Allah enables us everything.

Once I asked her for good advise, then she told me "La illaha illa Allah."

it is so simple word, but actaully this is key of solving every problem. If we really believe in Allah and aware of him, then we can endure hardship and willingly give up our low desires in this life.

Anonymous,  June 26, 2011 at 10:55 AM  

"once i asked her for good advice, then she told me La illaha ill Allah"



Anonymous,  July 6, 2011 at 1:15 AM  

i moved out last week and i will not be speaking to my parents..my dad's VERY MUSLIM FRIEND hit me.. and my fater allowed it. If am not acting or singing or dancing i WILL NOT LIVE!
u dnt understand ... and seriously "music is bad"
no its not its just an excuse for ppl who dont want to pray
and say " ohh music sucked me in! " no it didnt ur just lazy!
IF i dont dance i will be sad, i will NOT smile.. I will not talk i will not be happy
I WOULD DIE! and does allah wants that ?
his believers being sad just coz of silly rules.. ALOT of muslim aunties and sisters call me REALLY BAD AND DISGUSTING NAMES..some brothers threw rock at my new house and car while i was parking (though i didnt get hurt but still thats not ryt is it ?) ....but that that make them good? coz they r not performing..
I dont hurt people i give all i can but i am bad coz i love performing ...
i wanna die! i really do!
why give me talent if i am just allowed to be in a little room and pray all day!
I LOVE PERFORMING AND IF ANYONE WANTS TO STOP ME ..... KILL ME! thats the only way it will stop
U think its just a part of my life NO ITS A PART OF ME!!! ITS ME. IT DESCRIBES ME!
ok so if i stop performing and go to heaven BUT I AM NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO SING IN HEAVEN!?!?!
MY BOYFRIEND LOVES! HE CARES! HE CRIES EVERY TIME I CRY! HE MAKE ME SMILE! HE will even dress up as a clown for me, HE LOVES ME TO BITS! why is it a sin for me to write a song for him!
to anyone to says - he just wants lust
HE doesnt!!!!! he hasnt even asked me that once! ever! he is the best person i have known he is better than any imam any muslim extremist!
he LOVES! he CARES! he is amazing
i have always said that my heart is divided in two parts 1 my boyfriend one the the performing.... I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND AND I LOVE PERFORMING! and you all can KILL ME,STAB ME, SET ME ON FIRE but performing and the love of my life is the best thing! AND NO MATTER WHAT PPL SAY I AM A GOOD MUSLIM BECAUSE I "FEEL" Muslim rather then just look it or be it

Little Auntie,  July 8, 2011 at 2:40 AM  

^I'll be answering you in a bit, Anon. :)

Thanks for being patient. I did answer (not sure if it was you or not) the other comment on wife beating.

PotentialHijabi July 19, 2011 at 8:12 AM  

Assalamualaikum sister,

Don't worry I am not here to advice you, because seriously I am not very good at advising people anyway! :D
I just wana say.. that a few years back I was in a similar situation! May parents were very strict! They didnt even like to send me out with my cousins! It was very depressing!! VERY!! I just used to stay home and rather frustrated most of the times!.. But slowly I broke out of the rules .. May be Allah had decreed that for me cause he wanted me to learn why things and "rules" are the way they are! .. So yeah I broke out of these rules.. did all the "fun" things.. Everything i wanted.. bunked coll wid friends .. hanged out with male friends etc etc.. But things werent really as good as i thought they would be.. I was having fun.. but i wasnt happy.. Even when I was happy I wasnt content..!! I had too many problems to deal with and too many ppl whom I should have let go long time! And you know I was frustrated to the extent that even I wanted to kill myself!! Like literally.. I rem this one time I even took a blade in my hand! .. but I managed not to harm myself, Alhumdulillah! and when I just couldnt see anyway out (Being a muslim stopped me from committed suicide really) .. That's when I thought of Allah! ..and That's when everything made sense and I learnt alot, Alhumdulillah!
Now that was my story, and from my own experience I just wana tell you that I know how u feel..! I know how hard it is to know that everyone is against you from doing the things you absolutely love!! Now sweetheart, I'm sure you are a good muslim as you say.. I mean who are we to judge.. Allah knows whats in your heart and mind! Allah knows how you feel! ..When you feel frustrated and All doors closed I just want you to know that you are not alone! No matter what happens you always have Allah to turn to and understand why what happened the way it happened! I dont know if you'l ever read this.. I dont know what you are gona decide to do..! I just know that all sisters here including me.. We love you.. We love you for the sake of Allah.. We love you and that's y we are worried for u!.. We can advice you only from the perspective we think is right!! .. But we also know that you are going through a very tough time.. but believe me .. forget everyone.. Just turn to Allah .. beg him to help you.. and ask him for answers... he's always ready to help you!! He is the ONLY one who knows you better than you! .. and He is the ONLY one who will be able to help you!! Never lose hope sister.. Just ask Allah .. turn to him .. in the times that hurt most.. ask him to lessen your pain .. Ask him to help you and make you understand y the rules are the way they are.. Believe me, He WILL come to your rescue!! He will help you in the best of ways!!
That's all for now! Hope you take this message with a open mind!.. I just want you to know that I'm really worried for you! May Allah bless you, guide you to the best path and Make things easy for you! Ameen.

Love you for the sake of Allah,
Your Sister in Islam.

Looking forward to hear from u.
On behalf of all your Sisters in Islam.

Little Auntie July 26, 2011 at 8:58 AM  

Anonymous, let me first of all apologize for taking so long to answer you.
Now, let’s get to this.
Do you realize how many times you said you’re better than other Muslims?
Sister, you don’t want us to judge you. Yet, you judge others. Does that seem fair to you?

Can you see what is in people’s hearts? Can you see what your ending will be? What other people’s endings will be? What gives you the right to decide that you are a better Muslim than others?

Sister. You said it yourself: your heart is divided into 2: music and your boyfriend.

Can I ask you a question?

Does that sound like someone distracted from God or not?

You said that you are ‘spiritual’ and not ‘religious’, but how do you know who is religious and who is spiritual?

Do you think that someone whose heart is not attached to God is spiritual? You admitted right here that your heart is attached to two things. And they were not God.

You said that you “FEEL Muslim”.

Honey, how do you know that the other people ‘don’t feel Muslim, either”?? Can you go inside them and see what they feel? ‘
And what does it mean to ‘feel Muslim”….What is a Muslim?

A Muslim is someone who submits or surrenders to God. That is what the word LITERALLY means. (not someone who calls God's rules 'silly). Someone who believes that God has a right and a say in every aspect of their life- what they wear, what they say, how they talk to others.

So again..why do you think you’re ‘better than other Muslims?”

Sister, I think you are confused about one thing and that is our own internal jihad.
Each one of us has a struggle ….each one of us has a sin..something that is hard for us….that we have to resist and conquer.

Maybe for some aunties, it is ‘backbiting’. Maybe for others, it is ‘their temper’…

And for others, it is loving something greater than God…be it your ego, money, status…or boyfriend.

People have a right upon you- your parents, your family, your neighbors, the poor people…..your fellow human beings.

Your body has a right upon yourself: that you nourish it well, sleep correctly, etc.
But most of all, God has a right upon you. And that’s where you keep getting mixed up. You keep thinking if you treat others well, that’s enough. But you’ve also got to give Allah His rights.
And His rights is that you follow His rules- you decide that He is indeed Greater than anything else.

Btw, who said that you cannot sing in paradise? Of course you can.

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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