If Looks Could Kill...

salam,

Let me start off by saying tht i LOVE ur blog! it beautiful and i just love ur answers :)

There was this family friend of my family that we used to know but I was never interested in. So, recently i stumbled upon his fb and myspace...The thing is I never used to think of him, but since seeing his pics on facebook, I've suddenly found that I have feelings for him.

I know I may be the MOST shallowest person on earth right now because i have feelings for him because of his looks...our families are close so i get to see him once in a while
now..hes not a good person..hes like a bad guy! hes not a good person, hes just not!

i forget bout him for a week or 2 than the feelings come back again!
ughhh...i feel sooo shallow for liking him casue im like going on the looks, im like only hoping hes better on the inside..but i know hes not

so my Q is how do i make these feelings go away?
how do i not be shallow anymore D:

Jzkallah!

Dear "Shallow",
awww, sis, your email made me smile. I love how you are very honest with yourself and realize that you like him simply for his looks. But you know, you don't sound like the 'most shallow person in the world'. And at least you realize it...so don't worry. I think you will get through this :)

Anyways, you know what I think the problem is? The problem is that we've been so conditioned by Hollywood/ Bollywood whatever wood to thinking that

'cute/handsome= happily ever'. 

*Errr..* 

And let's not forget the element of good girl changing "bad guy into good guy"....

But sweetie, this is real life. And in real life, we have to think beyond the moment. That is step number 1 to getting rid of this shallowness....

I mean think about it. So this guy is super cute/ has a killer smile/ is handsome. ....we girlies like cute people, but is cuteness going to make a relationship work? What happens when he grows old and ugly and becomes bald? Or gets really fat? Or all wrinkled up?

What happens when you're going to have to pay bills? Will his 'looks' be enough? If you were to get into an argument, how would he treat you? What does he think a wife is supposed to do? What does marriage mean to him? What kind of a father will he be? And hey, has he ever mentioned marriage? Is he the kind of person thinking about long term commitment or 'just about having fun'....Would his 'looks' be able to solve all this?

No, they really wouldn't.

And seriously, hunny, don't look at his facebook pictures..I mean think about it. What kinda pictures do people put up? I'll give you a hint. Always their best, right? That's not what you are going to be seeing, my love, when you wake up in the morning with him......Think 'slob/ bad breath/ toe clipper'. etc. Think about it. I know you said that you even see him in real life and I can bet that maybe your heart starts to thud and maybe you start to tingle when he's around.....

But you know what you gotta do? Lower your gaze, darlin'. Second......again...you are seeing the 'presented side of him'- the ideal version of him. Behind that charm, is someone whose values seriously contradict yours. And that is what you are going to be stuck with.....

And when you start to think of how differently you guys want to lead your lives...you'll realize that beauty fades away. It really does. If you married him solely for his looks and nothing else, one day you would wake up and find that you wouldn't find him handsome anymore. You would have no idea why you married him. But if you marry someone else, who had good character but looked 'pretty ordinary', chances are that you would begin to find that person more and more beautiful.

As for thinking that maybe you will change him....

Sweetie, let me give you advice my male professor once said. "Never marry a man with the hope that he will become someone else". Really, you can't take such a risk. You don't wanna build your happiness or marriages on a 'hypothetical situations...............on what you want to happen in the future'. You have to marry a person for who they are NOW and where THEY want to go/ be. Not who you want them to be. No matter how much you try to make someone change for the better, you can't change someone unless they want to change.

So, whenever you start to 'day dream about him', just remember: Marriage life takes WORK. You want someone who will treat you right and not someone you will be worried about what he's doing/ who he has been with/ etc. :)

And do take a look at this great post: http://sadaffarooqi.wordpress.com/2011/01/26/debunking-the-pretty-woman-myth-how-romance-novels-and-films-delude-youth/