If Looks Could Kill...

>> Friday, April 1, 2011

salam,

Let me start off by saying tht i LOVE ur blog! it beautiful and i just love ur answers :)

There was this family friend of my family that we used to know but I was never interested in. So, recently i stumbled upon his fb and myspace...The thing is I never used to think of him, but since seeing his pics on facebook, I've suddenly found that I have feelings for him.

I know I may be the MOST shallowest person on earth right now because i have feelings for him because of his looks...our families are close so i get to see him once in a while
now..hes not a good person..hes like a bad guy! hes not a good person, hes just not!

i forget bout him for a week or 2 than the feelings come back again!
ughhh...i feel sooo shallow for liking him casue im like going on the looks, im like only hoping hes better on the inside..but i know hes not

so my Q is how do i make these feelings go away?
how do i not be shallow anymore D:

Jzkallah!

Dear "Shallow",
awww, sis, your email made me smile. I love how you are very honest with yourself and realize that you like him simply for his looks. But you know, you don't sound like the 'most shallow person in the world'. And at least you realize it...so don't worry. I think you will get through this :)

Anyways, you know what I think the problem is? The problem is that we've been so conditioned by Hollywood/ Bollywood whatever wood to thinking that
'cute/handsome= happily ever'

*Errr..* 
And let's not forget the element of good girl changing "bad guy into good guy"....

But sweetie, this is real life. And in real life, we have to think beyond the moment. That is step number 1 to getting rid of this shallowness....

I mean think about it. So this guy is super cute/ has a killer smile/ is handsome. ....we girlies like cute people, but is cuteness going to make a relationship work? What happens when he grows old and ugly and becomes bald? Or gets really fat? Or all wrinkled up?

What happens when you're going to have to pay bills? Will his 'looks' be enough? If you were to get into an argument, how would he treat you? What does he think a wife is supposed to do? What does marriage mean to him? What kind of a father will he be? And hey, has he ever mentioned marriage? Is he the kind of person thinking about long term commitment or 'just about having fun'....Would his 'looks' be able to solve all this?

No, they really wouldn't.

And seriously, hunny, don't look at his facebook pictures..I mean think about it. What kinda pictures do people put up? I'll give you a hint. Always their best, right? That's not what you are going to be seeing, my love, when you wake up in the morning with him......Think 'slob/ bad breath/ toe clipper'. etc. Think about it. I know you said that you even see him in real life and I can bet that maybe your heart starts to thud and maybe you start to tingle when he's around.....

But you know what you gotta do? Lower your gaze, darlin'. Second......again...you are seeing the 'presented side of him'- the ideal version of him. Behind that charm, is someone whose values seriously contradict yours. And that is what you are going to be stuck with.....

And when you start to think of how differently you guys want to lead your lives...you'll realize that beauty fades away. It really does. If you married him solely for his looks and nothing else, one day you would wake up and find that you wouldn't find him handsome anymore. You would have no idea why you married him. But if you marry someone else, who had good character but looked 'pretty ordinary', chances are that you would begin to find that person more and more beautiful.

As for thinking that maybe you will change him....

Sweetie, let me give you advice my male professor once said. "Never marry a man with the hope that he will become someone else". Really, you can't take such a risk. You don't wanna build your happiness or marriages on a 'hypothetical situations...............on what you want to happen in the future'. You have to marry a person for who they are NOW and where THEY want to go/ be. Not who you want them to be. No matter how much you try to make someone change for the better, you can't change someone unless they want to change.

So, whenever you start to 'day dream about him', just remember: Marriage life takes WORK. You want someone who will treat you right and not someone you will be worried about what he's doing/ who he has been with/ etc. :)

And do take a look at this great post: http://sadaffarooqi.wordpress.com/2011/01/26/debunking-the-pretty-woman-myth-how-romance-novels-and-films-delude-youth/




12 wonderful sprinkely thoughts:

Asma Khan April 1, 2011 at 10:21 AM  

Little Auntie love your satisfactory answers and simple explanations... :)

Elisa April 1, 2011 at 3:17 PM  

Little Auntie,

You give such wonderful advice, masha'allah. In regards to this post, it's really something I dealt with in the past. Before accepting Islam I had various boyfriends and I was always interested based on looks. I mean, yes, most of them were good guys for a while, but then turned out to be not-so-great, you know? Well the thing is that when a man treats a woman badly his looks start to diminish. It's really amazing how someone's behavior can determine their physical beauty.
Insha'Allah, this sister will find the gorgeous man who will also treat her like the Queen that she is!!! All women deserve that :)

rialive April 2, 2011 at 2:24 AM  

Salam alaikum Little Auntie..
Alhamdulillah, we are allowed to marry someone for their looks, but it is not a suggestion :)

I cant help picking the inspirational but skipping you. Even though you gave me the award, I want to give you the award too. :)
http://rialive.wordpress.com/2011/04/02/%E2%99%A5-inspiration-award-%E2%99%A5/

hugs!

Little Auntie April 2, 2011 at 5:04 AM  

Yes, we are allowed too, Ria, but like the hadith shows that we should pick the man with the best deen/and character. It says that if we don't, we're going to let mischief spread around, right....:) Hey, you're so cute for giving us the award back :D

Elisa, thanks for sharing your personal experience, too :) It's nice to see/ meet you :D I've seen your blog before, ma'shallah :)

Awww, thanks Asma :)

Completely Clueless May 2, 2011 at 8:52 AM  

Dear Little Aunties,

Assalaam-u-aliakum. I just started reading your blog today and I think that what you're doing is an EXCELLENT thing and doing it Brilliantly. I just thought that I'd let you know that the first part of the novel I'm currently writing is concerned with exactly these issues and your advice has given me a few ideas that I hadn't thought of before. So I just wanted to say Jazakallah khair for that.

May Allah help you to keep up this good work.

Your sisters in faith and words
Nida

Little Auntie May 2, 2011 at 12:11 PM  

awwww, Nida,
that's such a sweet comment! Thank you so much. Hey, I'd love to read your novel when it's done :) Good luck!

Anonymous,  January 23, 2014 at 11:48 AM  

MashAllah! What a beautiful answer! (Like always
Um.....I had a question like this that bugged me. It doesn't really have anything to do with marriage and stuff.....but what if i say that i am in the same situation as this sister, but instead of the guy being from a family or me knowing him in real life, he's a celebrity. Can someone please tell me if there's anything wrong with admiring a celebrity? Please, Please, help!
JazakAllah!

Little Auntie January 30, 2014 at 4:53 AM  

Well, sister....Allah subhanoo wa' Tala commands the believers something really important. He tells the BELIEVING men and the BELIEVING women:
Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them: And Allah is well acquainted with all that they do. And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty} (Surat Al Noor <24:30-31>)

And Allah says:
And He also says:{Have We not given him two eyes, And a tongue and two lips, And pointed out to him the two conspicuous ways?} (Surat Al Balad <90:8-10>)

Our eyes are a gift from Allah :) And ogling cute celebrities isn't really lowering our gaze, is it? ;) I know that you're thinking he's a celebrity, but if you are watching him just to check him out, that's not really following that commandment.

You know, at this point of time, it's probably hard to imagine, but let me ask you a question: would you like it if your future spouse told you that he used to watch Jennifer Lopez or Angelina Jolie cause they were hot? How would that make you feel?
Watching these people, especially for 'eye candy's sake', actually harms our image of what to expect from our spouses and the like..

So, as much as possible, try not to do it :P

With love,

Little Auntie January 30, 2014 at 4:56 AM  

Btw, his being a celebrity is his responsibility. You doing what Allah asked you is yours. =)

the same anonymous person,  January 30, 2014 at 9:01 AM  

Aslamualikum,
Thank you for that reply. I really appreciate, I do! But I'm having Avery hard to avoiding watching his show. I mean recently, I repented from listening to music because its haraam and all and, since I was so addicted to music, I watch his shows and stuff as an alternative to avoid going back to music. I just don't know what to do. I try my BEST to become a Good Muslimah and to Please Allah but I get the feeling that I'm just a failure! BTW, I am fifteen and my friend has the same problem, she is obsessed over Zayn Malik.
Plus theres something more to this....
Its embarrassing but I take my favorite celebrity and some other celebrity and write stories about them. Theyre like fanfics. I just can't help it, sis! Even if I stop watching his shows, he would still be in my mind! I'm so scared! I don't want to go to hell or disappoint Allah.
But then, it seems impossible for me to stop having the celebrity crush and writing stories on celebrities. On top of that, I don't know if its waswas, but I say to myself. " Come on! Its not that bad! Don't make Islam feel so hard!" ...
I don't know why I don't t understand or why even after, praying five times a day and reading the Quran every single day, why can't I get that faithful strength that would give me the ability to leave and repent from anything, whether it be small or big, that is displeasing to the Most Gracious.
I have already developed the feelings, what should I do?
Living in the west really is hard, and I do practice lowering my gaze at school, but what should I do about this embarrassing problem?!
I'm sorry if I sound desperate or childish...
I just don t wanna be ungrateful to Allah or displease him in any way.
JazakAllah for the reply! May Allah shed His Mercy upon all you sisters.
Ameen. Wasalam.

Aziza February 2, 2014 at 9:10 PM  

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu anonymoose, (:

I just want to say that I can somewhat relate to what you are saying, not about the celebrity bit, but about the fact that even though I pray and read Quran I sometimes find myself making so many mistakes...falling into the same mistakes even though I know deep down that they are wrong...I guess maybe that's a normal feeling when you are aware of Allah and have fear of Him. I can remember back when I first started praying, it seemed like some things were getting worse instead of getting better, but slowly so many things became better. I've come to learn that Allah tests us through things like this and brings us closer to Him. We have to keep going and trying our best. When we can give something up for His sake, He helps us...and it's an amazing feeling that I can't even put into words.
Don't feel so down dear sis, just the fact that you are admitting this issue, that you are concerned about it, and that you want help really stands out to me...I think it's Allah's mercy that you are worried about it and want to change!
Keep praying sis and ask Him for help, forgiveness, and guidance. Try little by little to break away from the celeb crush and InshaAllah, He will help you to completely overcome it.
Always remember: {...And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things. ~Quran 65:2-3}
Love you sis for Allah's sake and may He bless you and help you always. <3

Anonymous,  February 3, 2014 at 3:51 PM  

Thank You, Aziza! That comment really calmed me down. And I do think that that's the issue here. Lots of times, I have experienced that, at first, Allah is kind of 'letting' me sin, and then later, He makes me realize it, then slowly He would implant fear and then give strength so we can give up the sin. Sorry, it was hard to put into words, but the point is, I guess, let's just all leave this upto Allah, but thankfully, since these comments, I haven't watched his shows or anything like that. All Thanks to Allah. And don't worry, InshAllah, He will help you with the mistakes like HE does with all of His servants. Ignoring the fact of how childish I was being before, I would just like to remind everybody out there that Allah SWT will NEVER abandon us and just leave us to figure things out ourselves. Of course, we need to give our best too. Just saying that we all our strong...for we all depend on Allah Subhana Wa'Taala.
May HE Bless you all, Ameen.
Thank you, once again!

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Asalamu aialkum!
Well, what do you think? You know, you're part of the team, as well. Please help a sister out and share your own advice/experiences/etc. One for all and all for one =)
P.S. I reserve the right to remove any disrespectful comment ;)

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